Bring on the hormones

Oh yeah ~ either I'm pregnant or I'm a freakin teenager again! My hormones have been going berzerk over the last 2 days.

List of things that make me cry now:

* News stories about: baby geese being killed, a baby girl living through a gas explosion in her home, the conviction of a mother who punched her 3 year old to death.

* Not getting back into my favorite Ob's office for this baby. (I'm getting into a different one, I'll tell you about that later)

* Not wanting to tell my family yet, but needing to tell them because if I'm sick as all holy hell there is no way I can fly in a tin can airplane in a few weeks ...

* And 4 friends crying in happiness over my pregnancy ~ made me cry.

Excuse me while I go pass out under my desk now. Exhaustion is my enemy.

The results are in

(Have I mentioned that I'm impatient?)

I was going to wait until Monday to take the final pregnancy test ~ but I woke up this morning with a nasty red throat, runny nose and hacking cough. In order to figure out what I can safely take, I needed to have a tie-breaker on the whole "Yes or No" question.



3 out of 5 pregnancy tests agree ~ and that whole exhaustion, swollen boobs, no period thing. That agrees too.

Wish me luck, it's going to be a looooong year.

So maybe I jumped the gun

Maybe I should have waited 2 more days ....



What do you think?

I have no clue what I'm supposed to be feeling right now. I reserve the right to have one really good, blow up, freak out episode once I take the final test Monday morning. Whichever way it goes, that's the last test I'm taking.

(I figure waiting until Monday will give my body time to finalize its answer.)

Wedding Whining Post #2

Bubba's wedding invitation showed up this week & it requests that you go to the couple's wedding website and RSVP. So you know I wandered around the website and looked through everything!

All of her sisters are bridesmaids.

One of her brothers-in-law, our cousin & my Father are groomsmen. (Daddy is the Best Man)

The rest of her brothers-in-law are ushers, as are several of her cousins.

I am the only sibling not playing a role in this wedding.

Am I the only wedding guest who thinks it's family drama, tacky, or highly interesting when only one sibling is left out of a wedding party? Hell, even ESil was the wedding coordinator for my wedding! She wasn't a bridesmaid but she was running the show backstage & everyone knew it.

The only niece (Princess) isn't in the wedding either ~ Bubba told me a few weeks ago that they thought it would be too hard since she wouldn't be able to walk. HUH!? Dude, she RUNS now! And she can walk an entire 30 feet before she trips now too. But our mother didn't think she would be able to walk the aisle in June so she talked Bubba out of using my daughter.

Isn't that my call to make whether my daughter can walk down the length of an aisle? All she needs is one person to let her go at one end & someone she knows & likes to be at the other end. Besides, flower girls are supposed to be cute & little & distractible ~ she fits all of that. Now there is no way in Hades she could have stood there for the wedding, but she can walk a line!

I'm just ticked that my mom takes it upon herself to constantly make decisions about what to include me or my family in, just like with what she thinks we "need" to know.

This is the only wedding that my daughter could be in for her aunts or uncles & my mom talked them out of asking her. I know it's not a huge thing for Princess (at less than 2 years old) but it feels like we're expected to make an appearance but we'd better not be noticed after we walk in the door. I don't know how to explain it ... Princess & I are expected to tow the line, show up & look pretty & then sit down & shut up while the real family has their wedding.

Clarifying: I do not in any way feel that this is how my brother & his fiance feel ~ but I know that they follow my mother's word as law because they know the penalty for disobedience is banishment. They know it's true because that's what happened to me. She banished me almost 13 years ago & the only reason I've come close to being accepted back is because I have the only grandchild. The kid is accepted, I'm just the begger at the door who changes the diapers.

You're going to need your handy dandy "list of players" for this one!

"Welcome to the Constance One Million show, today we're talking to wives who try to drive their husbands to an early grave so that they can get the house & the insurance money. The catch in this drama: the teenage step kids who are in on the deal & do what they can to help mommy dearest out. Let's meet our guests:"

So FIL is apparently much sicker than any of us realized & he was pretty much hiding it from everyone.

Since Monday we've found out that:

1. He can't walk across the room without loosing his breath/coughing/passing out.
2. He is retaining water & his feet look like a pregnant woman's.
3. He is having more problems with his wife & step-daughter, and it's getting bad. Again.

Hubs yelled at convinced him to go see his doctor (Tuesday) & they found that he had a reflux episode a few weeks ago & he aspirated some of the *bleck* into his lungs & now they are infected. He has an enlarged heart, fluid in his lungs/abdomen/chest areas, and infection in his lungs. He's on 4 different breathing meds w/ 4 treatments a day, oxygen, antibiotics, lasiks, and they finagled his heart medications again.

And then the world blew up yesterday (Wednesday).

ESil & LSil called yesterday & stayed on the phone with Hubs off & on all day. For all three of them to willingly talk ~ the world has ended & Satan is handing out ice cream cones in hell.

Apparently Step-Monster is not taking care of FIL At! All! The doctor told him that for FIL to recover he has to stay away from stress, stay away from anyone smoking, eat healthier, take his meds on schedule & get rest, rest, and more rest. Well the sister's have found out that Step-monster is not taking care of him, is not cooking for him, causing incredible amounts of stress, and smoking around him. With an oxygen tank in the house, she's a brilliant woman. (ahhh the smell of sarcasm in the morning!)

After they got home from the dr on Tuesday Step-monster breaks the news that she's decided that her 16yo daughter needs to be home schooled ~ and wanted the credit card so that she could sign Teenager up for classes online. FIL put his foot down & said that Teenager will only slack off (he's not wrong) and won't do the work (again, he's not wrong). Teenager stayed in his face bitching, whining, screaming about it & he slapped her. Teenager steals her mom's car keys, runs to the police department and tries to file charges of abuse ... the cops know her & know that she probably earned a smack, so they told her that they would have to investigate.

Then Wednesday morning Step-Monster had to go to court over Teenagers truancy!! The kid has missed almost half of the school year! Step-Monster tells the judge that she is looking into pulling Teenager out of school & homeschooling her ~ Teenager stands up & screams at the judge "How am I supposed to be at home learning when he's always there hitting me!"

Yep, DCFS is back in the picture. This is the second time that they've become involved with the Teenager. Last night the social worker decided that Teenager can no longer stay in that home, but they are letting her pick where she wants to go. (I don't get that, but ok.) Turns out FIL had already said the same thing & that he refuses to have her in his house ... Step-Monster responded with "If my kid can't stay I won't stay" to which he parried with "Fine get out & take your things with you."

We've been through this before ~ this is the 4th time in 5 years they've had this conversation. They always wind up back together within a few weeks, swear it will work out & then bitch about how much they hate each other. The difference this time is that FIL is sick and needs care. We aren't sure how that will be accomplished at this point ~ but something tells Hubs that it's going to be his job to make sure everything is taken care of for his dad & the family restaurant.

What scares the kids is that they have all offered to come help him for the weekend & he doesn't want to see any of them. He has never refused a visit from his kids. Step-Monster is still living there so we know she's still aggravating him on a regular basis. And he sounds like he just doesn't care anymore, he just says how tired he is, how he can't handle all the crap, how he just wants peace ... and he hasn't been to the restaurant in over 2 weeks. NEVER has he done that. This can't be a good sign.

It's been 8 days since my last confession

Confession ... obsession. Whatever.

**Attention passengers: We have reached the manic phase of the "two week wait", during which our brain will, temporarily, go insane. Please keep this in mind as you proceed. Thank you.**

Monday cannot come fast enough so that I can just find out what, if anything, is going on in my uterus. (Ok, I just had to google the spelling of uterus. My college education may not be worth as much as I thought.) I am technically supposed to, ahem, "start" on Friday ~ but I tend to be unpredictable so I'm not taking that as a sure fire sign.

I'm waiting until Monday night to test because that is my best friend's birthday ~ the only person IRL that knows about this little event. She's also the person who was with us for the Princess' delivery and has signed up to cut the cord on any subsequent kiddos. Hubs refuses to cut cords. #1 squishy things scare him & #2 he's scared he'll screw up & the kid will be permanently maimed & I'll never let him live it down. So the God-mother will be cutting our kids cords from now on, as strange as that may be.

Anyway ~ she feels that it would be good luck for me to wait until her birthday to test because:

1. She was staying the night with us on "the" night. (the beginning of the journey?!)
2. We would find out on her birthday
3. I would be 31 weeks on my 31st birthday on the 31st of October
4. It will be a Christmas/New Years baby
5. She will be there for the delivery. (to complete the circle?!)

She is convinced that those 4 factors together mean that I must must must be pregnant. If the girl knew a fertility dance she would have been getting after it for the last 11 days!

She's also the reason I've started to get excited about this idea. She sent me this email the other day:

Reasons that Baby #NOW would be perfect:
1. Close in age to Princess
2. Not so close that it would kill you in that first year
3. Hubs is at home raising her already, so throwing in one more wouldn't be as hard
4. Having Baby #NOW at Christmas would fall after your classes are done for the year & you could just take a month or two off early next year before you start your bachelor's courses.
5. Having Hubs at home means you could sleep at night while he fed the baby. Yeah, I threw that in just to make you laugh!
6. We would have a Christmas baby!
7. Princess would make such a good big sister
8. You would be 12 weeks pregnant for your brother's wedding, so it would be perfect timing to tell your family in person.
9. You already have all of the Princess' stuff from winter, so if it's another girl there is nothing to buy!
10. If it's a boy --- It's a BOY!!! Yippee! And it's right at Christmas so everyone else will buy the stuff for you!
Hurry up and test, I want my nephew. Or my niece. Either way - I love you!

Can you tell that my girl is a tad excited about this prospect? Her excitement has started to wear off on me, for all of the reasons that she listed & then just because I would love to be able to get pregnant without having to work for it. I know that sounds selfish ~ but I really would. I'm not ready to go through the trying and the charting and the temp taking and the pill popping and the blood work and the stress ohmystars the stress.

I think I actually want to be pregnant. Right now pregnant. I would love to have another little face running around my house, screaming and playing and climbing and even the dirty diapers. Ok maybe not the dirty diapers. Can I order a pre-potty trained child this time?

But OhGod I don't want to be excited about this. I just don't want to get heartbroken when the test is negative ... and I really do think the test will be negative .... and I really do think that it will break my heart. All over again. Why can't I just be normal?! Why can't I just get pregnant whenever I want to & not have to worry about my fertility odds if I wait another 3 years ... Why can't I just be normal & not get sooo upset at a negative test - why can't it just mean "not yet" instead of that unspoken "not yet and maybe not ever again BWAHAHAHA".

I think I've talked myself into wanting a baby that's not even there. And I have NO symptoms, but I don't remember when I got what symptoms with my miscarriages or Princess. When do symptoms start? Which ones did you get first?

This may become my permanent home

I am finding myself coming to the apartment more & more often lately. There are things I want to say, or just things that I find funny but I don't want to spill those things on my open-to-the-real-world blog. I just don't need my mother to know about my sex life, can I get an Amen?

The more my brain spins about pregnancy, this is where I come.
The more my head spins over my comical sex life, this is where I come.
The more I think about honesty in my blog life & just having one spot where I can bare it all ~ this is where I come.

I always wanted a diary ~ but this way I get feedback promising me I'm not insane! WOOHOO!

It's not that I don't love my family oriented, baby centered, slightly funny home blog ~ but I don't feel as much like myself as I do here. This is me ~ past the wife, mother, employee, and student ~ this is who I am, this is my personality. All 5 of them! Most people have a running inner monologue ~ I have a running inner talk show. Think: brain version of "The View". That's what goes on in my head. 4 (some days 5) voices, all talking over each other, all trying to make a point, all confusing the crap out of each other, some making me laugh at loud for no known reason.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my home blog ... how do you get rid of blogs? I don't want to get rid of the closest thing my kiddo has to a baby book (at least subsequent kids won't feel jipped that she has a novel about her life while they have a post it note!), but I'm not sure if I want to continue that as anything more than updates on her & pics for the family. I know I'm tired of trying to find interesting/funny things in my life that can be appropriately censored. That's hard enough to do on a 3 hour monthly phone call to my mother!

What would you do? Keep both, loose the one, change the one? I'm confused here ....

If you don't know me by now

My dearest darling husband,

I love you more than life itself, you are my best friend, biggest cheerleader and personal comedy show. You are also one of the 4 biggest pains in my ass, but you do laundry and move furniture for me ~ I let a lot of things slide in exchange for that.

I love that our sex life has picked up greatly in the last several weeks ~ I will never complain about that. But we need to get one thing straight ok? The candy shop closes at 2am & does not reopen until 10am. Don't ever ~ ever, ever, ever come knocking at 6:15AM again.

I realize that this rule has never been stated in our marriage before & I understand any confusion you may have ~ but we didn't go to bed until 3am (Guitar Hero is fun, but we can't keep doing that!) and then to be woken up 3 hours later is just ... rude. I cannot be expected to be a willing and joyful participant when I am in the throws of REM sleep.

The next time your friend wants to play after 2am you need to take him on a walk, or whatever it is you do to help him sleep again ~ because I will be sleeping thankyouverymuch.

Love,
Your adoring wife

BlogHer Ads can kiss my white and shiney one

My "home" blog has been signed up with BlogHer Ads since last August ~ I have a counter thingy on there so that I can see how many hits I get, where they are from, what searches people use to find me (and btw - who the hell googles "mommy porn"?!?!?! I've had 4 different searches that found me that way. And I don't talk about porn over there. That's saved for the apartment!) Anyway. Where was I going?

Oh ~ I know that I have fairly decent traffic on that site. I mean I am by no means at the Dooce, Bossy or the world renown Ree level ~ but I have a fairly respectable following.

I have never once gotten a check from BlogHer & have never once gotten a response to my "Um, what's the deal with this?" emails that I've sent them.

This is some bull honky! You can't tell me that in 9 months I still haven't had enough visitors to make $25 (they hold your checks until you make at least that much). I did the math 7 months ago & should have had that first check sent out back then!!

I know that their "free" ads have been running a lot through the winter & that's being repaired ~ but dang people! At least send me back a note saying "Hi, sorry but your blog really is that crappy & you've only made $24.50 in the last 9 months by our calculations. We'll send your check out next year."

Since I'm not pimping them on this site I felt better about bitching about them over here.

Anyone else know how to contact / harass / or otherwise annoy the BlogHer Ad girls into letting me know something? This is getting annoying. Much like pregnancy ~ it's been 9 months & I'm ready to see the fruit of my labor already! (the pun was only 45% intentional)

Hubs wants me to ask a question

Ok so he has no clue about you lovely ladies ~ but I told him I would ask my online girls ... I just didn't say where!

He has one opinion on this subject & I'm not sure I see it as black & white as he does:

When I was 16 I started seeing The Guy (behind my parents back) & he was obviously 4 kinds of wrong for me. So I, of course, adored him. He was 24, divorced, in the military, Catholic (not a big thing to me, but it was used against me by my parents later) and living off base with his friends in a house not far from mine. I met him through my best friend, he was teaching one of her classes at the Catholic church ~ she then babysat for his roommates, they became friends, she developed a crush on him that wasn't returned. She was supposed to watch the kiddo one weekend but had to back out, so she asked me to do it. I quickly developed the same crush & it was returned ~ I became their full time babysitter that summer & spent almost every afternoon & evening at their house with the kiddo ... and The Guy. We had inside jokes, long talks, heart to hearts, and heat heat heat. He was my second kiss and first .... almost everything else. The whole "is she still a virgin" ground was very gray by the time we broke up a year later.

Hubs thinks that because I was so much younger than him & was in a situation of not being in control ~ this is molestation.

While I'm not proud of the things that I did with him at such a young age ~ I'm not exactly ashamed of the relationship either - for a long time it just seemed like that was my experience & we dated & it ended badly & life goes on.

But Hubs says that he should have been prosecuted for things he did ... I told my parent's attorney that I wouldn't testify against him because he never raped me.

Hubs is utterly convinced that The Guy was a pedophile & molester and that he should have been thrown in jail.

It never occurred to me that he wasn't just an older guy that I dated & yes I did things with him that shouldn't happen between people with that age difference ~ but we dated. We were emotionally involved & I still think he really did care for me ... I was of the age of consent, I knew what I was doing & yes I was nervous ~ but I never told him no, I never backed out of a babysitting job (i.e. chance to see him), he sent me roses during my national vocal competition & sent me letters every week when he was out on activities & for the 2 months he was deployed to Grenada.

I do agree that I was much younger & less experienced & wouldn't know what his moves were & I could have been easily coerced into something I didn't want to do ~ but the rest of the relationship negates that doesn't it?

Where is the line? Where is the divider between inappropriate relationship & illegal acts against a minor? Shouldn't I know if I was molested? Wouldn't I feel that difference?

The joys of imagined pregnancies

Every wave of nausea makes me more nauseated thinking "OMG could this be real?!"

Every cramp makes me wonder about implantation cramps thinking "OMG could this be REAL??"

Every emotional outburst makes me wonder about rising hormone levels thinking "OMG COULD this be REAL???"

Every brain spasm wondering "OMG. Could? This? Be? Real?" takes me back to trying to conceive the Princess. Takes me back to every month that I spent torturing myself for 2 weeks wondering if every tiny cramp, nausea, boob spasm, or lightheaded moment was a clue that I was pregnant.

Wondering if there could be a tiny little person in there takes me back to the hours that I spent hiding in the shower sobbing over the newest negative test, the arrival of my period, the disappointment that I couldn't seem to do the one thing that my body was built to do: have children.

Wondering if there could be a tiny little person's cells dividing and growing takes me back to the weeks I spent grieving the loss of our first little flutter baby. I wanted that child more than I wanted my next breath. Loosing her tore part of my soul that has never healed, and I'm not sure that it ever will. Over 2 years later I still tear up thinking of what she would be doing now, what she would look like, what our family would have been like if she had lived, what kind of mother I would have been with her as a daughter.

80% of my heart wants to be realistic and remember all the hard learned lessons of trying to conceive and all the talks with my beloved Gyno and the Handsome* Fertility Dr. I want to remember that while it can take "just the one time" to get knocked up ~ my ovaries are notoriously lazy and that those two doctors both predicted I would never get pregnant without pharmaceutical assistance. I want to be realistic and remember that even when we were killing our sex life trying to make a baby ~ there were far more no's than there were yes' on those damned Clear Blue Easy Pregnancy Torture Tests.

But 20% of me is praying for that one in a hundred thousand shot that this one time could have worked. Part of me wants that Christmas baby. Part of me is very terrified that this could be real. Part of me is very thrilled that this could be real.

Part of me wants to hide in the shower again and sob that I'm allowing myself to get this hopeful and excited over something that would be so life changing and world shaking for my little family. Part of me wants to hide because I don't want to put my heart through this disappointment again. I'm not ready for this roller coaster again, I'm not ready to be crushed by another no ...

But if it was to be real ... I would be 31 weeks pregnant on my 31st birthday on October 31st this year. And that would be incredibly cool.

I'm not ready to be crushed by another no ... but I have no idea what I would do with a yes either.

I'm going to drive myself bat shit crazy in the next 2 weeks. You know that don't you?


*The Handsome Fertility Dr: I swear to you this man looks so much like McDreamy it isn't even funny ~ bright blue eyes, black wavy hair, gorgeous smile & so. stinkin. sweet. with patients that it would break your heart. He showed up at every one of my blood draws pre-pregnancy, he was there for every single blood draw after the positive HcG test. He held my hand through every step of the process and literally cheered when we saw the Princess' little heart beating at 7wks 1day. I will forever love him for that. But good heavens is he HAWT!

Awwww crap, did I just do what I think I did?

Seriously, the sex talk has got to stop in my apartment. I think it's subconsciously leaking into the house & I think I may have just been thrown in the deep end.

1. We've had a lot more sex lately. A. LOT. Not a bad thing (pretty damn great if I was going to brag!) but just an observation!

2. I noticed last week that this would be the last month for us to get preg and have a '08 baby. I blame this on the year I spent calculating "If I get preg now then we'll have a baby in ___, but I would be pregnant through the ___ months ..." My brain clicked into that mode earlier this month when I spent 4 days thinking I want to be pregnant again. Then the weekend came, I spent 48 hours with the Hubs & the kid & I realized that we are just fine with one toddler at a time!

3. My cycle has actually been fairly predictable lately & I have felt the ovulation pains the last few months. Couldn't have happened when we were killing ourselves to have a baby ~ but whatever. Such is life.

Do you see where this is going yet?

I've had several of the "Project Egg Drop" signs in the last few days & then I cramped all day yesterday on one side (did Clomid, remember that pain, 90% sure it was the egg landing). Hubs was in the mood again last night. We don't use protection because ... well, it took a year & pharmaceutical assistance to get the Princess here ~ so we've never worried about trying not to get pregnant.

That could prove to be an error in judgement in oh, two weeks or so. And now my brain is screaming "NO MORE KIDS YET! NO MORE KIDS YET! NO MORE KIDS YET! NO MORE KIDS YET YOU IDIOT!!!"

And yet ~ I could have warned Hubs last night that it was a possible baby making night, but I didn't ... that's partly his fault for using all the really good moves on me though. I wasn't thinking straight. And I was slightly drunk from that bottle of wine that we opened. I SWEAR to you, I did not initiate anything & I tried to resist ... but then the wine kicked in & well, he was using all the good moves & I wanted to play!

But I don't want to be pregnant again yet. I need more time, Princess needs more time, we need more money.

But I want another baby and it took us a year to get her started growing ...

But I am so. not. ready. for another kid.

But I'll be 31 this year & if I want 3 total then I do need to get a move on ...

I'm going to be sick.

Why isn't there a morning after test?!

Let me whine about sex one more time

I'm all for a good roll in the hay ~ stress relieving, relationship affirming, generally a good time is had by all ~ but if both parties aren't in the mood I don't get why WOMEN have to feel guilty about putting out when we aren't truly in the mood.

Have you ever ONCE heard a guy muttering about "Damn I was tired last night, and the wife rolled over wantin' a little sumthin sumthin & I just figured what the hell & gave it up for her." ?!!? NO! Because if the guy isn't in the mood then the train stops there - but when we aren't in the mood the moves don't stop & we either jump on the train or get the cold "why are you so mean" shoulder for a week.

It's not that I don't love to love on Hubs ~ but last night when he rolled over to "snuggle" at 4 am (after I went to bed at 2:30 because I was trying to work on papers that will be due in several days) I just wasn't having any of it. I wasn't mean about it, I just rolled away & kept sleeping!

My mom gave me this "How-to-have-a-happy-Christian-marriage" book when we were engaged & there was an entire chapter dedicated to sex in marriage. It was directed at the wife & only her, listing all the reasons you should make yourself available to your husband & not turn him down & how detrimental it is to your marriage to do so.

Really? 'Cause it will be more detrimental to start feeling like sex is a chore & something I should just submit to whether I want to or not. Granted I'm rusty on my Bible classes ~ but I really don't think that's what God wants for my marriage.

All aboard the roller coaster

The plane tickets are purchased.

The rental car reservation has been made.

I've expressed to the car agent that if there is not a toddler car seat waiting at the airport for me ~ I refuse to be responsible for my actions. Her dismissive attitude when I asked for assurances that the car seat will be there was disconcerting in my world. This is the one key issue that could screw up & totally screw this whole trip, so yes, I'm obsessing over it.

Well, that & the presence of my mother.

She emailed today to let me know that she's hired the "baby-wranglers" for the rehearsal dinner and ceremony/reception. She knows that there is no way in Hades I will let anyone that I don't know watch her anywhere I'm not able to see her. Maybe it is good that she knows me well enough to understand that. The plan is to let her run around (since both events will be outside), the girls will watch her & I will be able to see her at all times. From what I can tell, she will be the only toddler in attendance. That should prove to be interesting!

I am a little more than slightly freaked out about 4 days, 2 plane rides, and 700 miles alone with this kiddo. Solo. 3 bedtimes and 3 (PleasedearLord) nap times to wrangle. A solo mio. 11 meals and countless snack times of figuring out what she wants to eat and getting it into her before she completely decompresses. All by myself. 80 hours of being the only person responsible for the care, safety and well being of this little person. While part of me is really excited about spending 4 days alone with her to reconnect & maybe override a little of her "Daddy Obsession" ~ the rest of me is utterly terrified that I will screw up and she will pay for my stupidity. I keep having visions of turning around to find her gone, or of landing in the ER at some point. I cannot express to you how bad it would be for me to come home with a broken or dented child ~ her father will NEVER. EVER. let me live that one down. I will forever be the parent who let the child break herself. (In all honesty - I wouldn't truly be able to let him live that one down either. We're mean like that.)

I was not built to be a single mom. Apparently I require more assistance with this kid than I realized.

Am I just a wuss or are these fairly standard fears for trips with a toddler?

Much ado about screwing

I miss my sex life. Not so much that I'm willing to loose more sleep to fix it, but I do miss it.

We have a great time when we have sex ~ there are never any disappointments, everyone gets to have their fun on the ride (sometimes two or three times!). We just don't think to have sex very often.

Lemme see if I can explain this one.

When we started dating I was working out of town so we only saw each other on the weekends Very little sex time! We never stayed the night with each other, I think it was the ghosts of our (recently) past relationships that kept us apart in those first months.

By the time we moved in together I had a normal 8-5 job and he was working in sales and would be out until 9 or 10 every night and then working most Saturdays. Again, no real time for a sex life. When he got home I was ready to pass out. When I was up and hyper on the weekends, he was drained and ready to pass out.

We were 2 years into our relationship before we had relatively similar schedules. Even in his last job Hubs has always worked long hours ~ the last was 7am - 6pm with Saturday mornings thrown in for extra torture. We fell into a pattern of not having sex on a regular basis and it worked for us.

Then we wanted to have a baby. Thanks to a certain set of uncooperative ovaries (I'm talking to you ya lazy little hosebags!) we were forced to go the medicated/scheduled baby making route. Let me just tell you what wonders THAT does for your sex drive (insert image of buses slamming into the side of a mountain and exploding on impact). And then add pregnancy, early 2nd trimester miscarriage, subsequent surgery, fertility meds /tests/exams, and 2nd pregnancy into the mix. It's a recipe for sexual disaster.

During my pregnancy with the Princess I think the Sex Fairy showed up at our house 4 times. Hubs didn't get anything that resembled a "mouth hug" until 3 months post-partum. That part was just as much his choice as it was mine though, I lost 40 pounds because of severe morning sickness & he didn't want to risk being puked on. I thought that was very kind of him.

Since we had the kiddo, I've had to heal from an episiotomy & hemorrhoids & I'm telling you ~ "the urge" has just not been present in our house. I would love to say that it will show up again in force ~ but it's never been a HUGE presence in our relationship. When it does show up it's a very lovely & welcome family member.

I don't know if we should pressure ourselves to increase the frequency or just live & let quietly live. We can openly talk about our sex life together, we are both satisfied with the type - but we both admit that it would be nice to see more of each other. Our biggest problems seem to be his exhaustion as a SAHD, my exhaustion as a WOOTHM & student.

Should we be worried or can we make it to a 50th wedding anniversary with a lazy sex life?

Wedding Whining Post #1

I'm sure this will become a series of posts over the next few months. And then at least 2 recapping posts after the big event in June. God help me I am dreading this event more than I dreaded that pre-labor enema. (That's a LOT of dread)

So to understand why this event bugs me there are a few details I need to lay out for you as groundwork:

1. This is the marriage of the perfect son to the perfect-virgin-pastors-daughter. (I am the black sheep and my husband comes from a broken family with issues)

2. They met in the perfect Baptist college and never slept together or lived together before marriage. (Hubs went to community college & we shacked up for almost 4 years before we signed the papers)

3. My family A-DORES her family. (My parents never met his family before the wedding & have never said a word about liking them. This is my fault for venting to my mom about them ONE TIME in four years)

4. My family worships the ground the bride walks on. (My parents never met hubs until the photographer was telling us to all stand together 2 hours before the ceremony. I'm not even kidding you.) Mom helped pick out her gown and was there to help look at bridesmaids dresses.

5. My mother always said that they never wanted to meet anyone I was with until there was a ring on my finger & a date on the invitations. She wasn't kidding. They met 1 guy that I dated in the 10 years I was out of their house. We were engaged, they came down to meet him & then 2 months later he split on me & left a "Dear John" letter for me. I've never heard from him again.
They never once tried to meet Hubs or get to know him in any way prior to our wedding.

Now ~ on to the fun.

My parents are going gahgah over this wedding. I just found out that they are paying for the catered rehearsal dinner complete with paying for hotels for the caterer that they are bringing in from NC to a Michigan wedding. They have invited family & family friends & are paying for those hotel rooms as well since everyone is coming in for the dinner on Friday night & then the wedding is Saturday night ~ so 2 nights of hotels for all those people.

They paid for $500 toward my wedding dress. A dress that was $575 with $400 more after the bra/slip/and alterations. I paid as much as they did by the time it was over. Hubs was PISSED that they wouldn't at least pay the $75 extra to cover the entire gown cost. And even then ~ they asked the store to fax them a copy of the receipt so that they could see it really cost the whole $500 they paid. Cause I just couldn't be trusted.

I asked my mom for a list of family names & addresses so that I could invite my family ~ to which my mother said "Oh I'll do all that just send me the invitations". I sent her 50 invites. I never got one card, present, or phone call from anyone other than 1 aunt & my grandmother. I had no one at my wedding from my family other than my parents & my brother. There were 50 people at our rehearsal dinner & not one single person was related to me. I found out later that my mother never mailed out a single invitation.

Granted I never asked my parents to lift a finger for my wedding ~ but they never offered. They flew into town at 7pm on the night of the rehearsal dinner & never bothered to even try to come in earlier that day so that they could come to the dinner.

I never saw them until I pulled up at the church to get ready for the pictures. My mother never saw my dress until I was standing for pictures. There is a picture of Hubs & I standing off to the side of the church & he's holding me & wiping my face ~ that shot looks like we are so in love and happy about getting married ... the truth is that he was trying to keep me calm & to not cry & ruin my makeup because I was so upset because I felt like they were annoyed by having to spend their weekend dealing with my wedding. I want to love us in that shot ~ but I hate the memories that picture brings back.

During our reception my mother took us aside & told Hubs that "If you ever make her cry we will come back down here and get you" ~ he looked straight at my mother & said "Well what about when you make her cry?" I've never loved him more than I did right in that moment. That moment cemented for me that I had married the perfect man.

I don't begrudge my brother all the love & happiness around his wedding ~ they deserve this day & they deserve to have the perfect, stress free, family supported day that the bride has always dreamed of.

I just wish my parents had thought enough of me to ever want to meet Hubs, ever invited us to spend time with them while we were dating, ever taken any interest in our wedding or being there to support me in the days leading up to it ....