The joys of imagined pregnancies

Every wave of nausea makes me more nauseated thinking "OMG could this be real?!"

Every cramp makes me wonder about implantation cramps thinking "OMG could this be REAL??"

Every emotional outburst makes me wonder about rising hormone levels thinking "OMG COULD this be REAL???"

Every brain spasm wondering "OMG. Could? This? Be? Real?" takes me back to trying to conceive the Princess. Takes me back to every month that I spent torturing myself for 2 weeks wondering if every tiny cramp, nausea, boob spasm, or lightheaded moment was a clue that I was pregnant.

Wondering if there could be a tiny little person in there takes me back to the hours that I spent hiding in the shower sobbing over the newest negative test, the arrival of my period, the disappointment that I couldn't seem to do the one thing that my body was built to do: have children.

Wondering if there could be a tiny little person's cells dividing and growing takes me back to the weeks I spent grieving the loss of our first little flutter baby. I wanted that child more than I wanted my next breath. Loosing her tore part of my soul that has never healed, and I'm not sure that it ever will. Over 2 years later I still tear up thinking of what she would be doing now, what she would look like, what our family would have been like if she had lived, what kind of mother I would have been with her as a daughter.

80% of my heart wants to be realistic and remember all the hard learned lessons of trying to conceive and all the talks with my beloved Gyno and the Handsome* Fertility Dr. I want to remember that while it can take "just the one time" to get knocked up ~ my ovaries are notoriously lazy and that those two doctors both predicted I would never get pregnant without pharmaceutical assistance. I want to be realistic and remember that even when we were killing our sex life trying to make a baby ~ there were far more no's than there were yes' on those damned Clear Blue Easy Pregnancy Torture Tests.

But 20% of me is praying for that one in a hundred thousand shot that this one time could have worked. Part of me wants that Christmas baby. Part of me is very terrified that this could be real. Part of me is very thrilled that this could be real.

Part of me wants to hide in the shower again and sob that I'm allowing myself to get this hopeful and excited over something that would be so life changing and world shaking for my little family. Part of me wants to hide because I don't want to put my heart through this disappointment again. I'm not ready for this roller coaster again, I'm not ready to be crushed by another no ...

But if it was to be real ... I would be 31 weeks pregnant on my 31st birthday on October 31st this year. And that would be incredibly cool.

I'm not ready to be crushed by another no ... but I have no idea what I would do with a yes either.

I'm going to drive myself bat shit crazy in the next 2 weeks. You know that don't you?


*The Handsome Fertility Dr: I swear to you this man looks so much like McDreamy it isn't even funny ~ bright blue eyes, black wavy hair, gorgeous smile & so. stinkin. sweet. with patients that it would break your heart. He showed up at every one of my blood draws pre-pregnancy, he was there for every single blood draw after the positive HcG test. He held my hand through every step of the process and literally cheered when we saw the Princess' little heart beating at 7wks 1day. I will forever love him for that. But good heavens is he HAWT!