Guilt Trip & a "Come to Jesus" meeting

I JUST hit post on my last whiney piece of journalism ~ and Hubs called me saying he was sick. & He really sounded sick. It's his stomach again (Damn that Evil, Evil Monkey!) He has the worst stomache of anyone I've ever met. He has 4 ulcers, irritable bowel disorder (some level worse than "syndrome") & when he had insurance he was being examined for Crone's. Funny thing is that he's a big guy ~ so his doctors have a hard time seeing him as a typical Crone's patient. They did say that he has a malnutrition issue because of all this crap (HA HA! No pun intended) but that leaves him exhausted and worn out for days after a flare up. In his worst episode ever (last August) he lost 40 pounds before the Doctors were able to finagle his medicine to a working level again. He has continued to slowly lose over the last several weeks, but not at the alarming rate that he was before.


The stomach issues were part of the f'ed up reasons behind the loss of his job ~ and Chase Manhattan can kiss the fattest part of my ass - they know they screwed him over.


Ok now I feel guilty. I really do love my husband & he's a great guy ... I think he is trying to get the hang of this ~ and in his own mind he probably does feel jipped & like he needs the help he gets from me. I know being home with her is a full time job & I know that she is a massive handful (this kid does NOT stop moving from the moment she wakes until she goes to sleep & even in her sleep she's wild!) but I see my SAHM friends & they have clean houses, bathed children, and cooked dinners with their spouses come home from an 8 hour day at the office. I know they need a break from the kids & I am happy to do that ~ but I don't want to feel like I'm the only one working anymore ...



When I got home last night we had what's known in our house as a "Come to Jesus" meeting. This is the "get it together or watch me loose my mind" conversation in most houses. I was kind, and calm, and tried to see his point of view as I explained mine. I told him that I am hanging on by a thread lately & I need to feel like we're a team again. When we both worked, we both chipped in with the house & the Princess. As much as he does love to play his games, I understood the time he spent on them more when he had the excuse of forgetting about a hated job.

I came home tonight to a clean child, a completely empty laundry basket and a semi-clean house ~ which is a huge improvement that I happily accept. I know that I create a mess in this home too & I'm not excusing myself from responsibility around here, but I need to know that he can handle this place while I adjust to my new reality too.

But I have a drawer full of clean panties ~ I'm a thrilled woman tonight!

So much to tell, so little blogging space

I changed my apartment around some. I can't pick a color to save my soul & the painters are going to start hating me soon ... this red is going to be a bitch for them to cover in a few months. So is that mural up there ~ I did think the diary was cute though.

Anywho.

Another week, another set of bills & another dose of zanax & here we are. Officially staring down the barrel of SPRING! While I would love to cheer, my ass is (yet again) woefully on the WRONG side of ready for bathing suit weather. Yeah, that's not changing any time soon!

The Hubs & Princess are on their 3rd week of co-existing as stay-at-home'rs. That's not a word, but it should be! They never leave the house - ever. If he needs something from the outside world he'll call me & ask me to get it on my way home ... and then calls every 10 minutes after 5:00 asking "when will you be home?" ~ I would have been there much sooner if you could have made your own run for wipes - STOP CALLING ME! I'll be there when I get there - give me a minute.

I have no privacy now that they are home 24/7. Last year when I was stressed I had the option of taking Princess to daycare, shoving Hubs out the door for work & then laying in bed all day ~ relaxing. Quiet house, no demands, long naps followed by a hot lunch & another long nap. It was a beautiful set up. Now that I really need that break it will never happen again. When I have a day off Hubs thinks that he should have the day off & hides in his room all day. When I ask for help all I hear is "I did it all week, just do it for a few hours"

I could deal with "I did it all week, just do it for a few hours", except that your "all week" is payback for all the nights you never woke up to help me out those first 8 months, all the days you weren't here in the first 2 months (when I was home full time) and all the weekends that you skipped out on me & played your computer.

I could deal with "I did it all week, just do it for a few hours", if I wasn't dealing with her & THE HOUSE. The house which you conveniently just didn't do anything with all week. I asked you to do the floors 2 weeks ago ... I asked you to clean our bathroom counter last week ... I can't walk 6 steps without stepping on a cheerio & I have no clue where my favorite hairbrush has wandered off to.

I could deal with "I did it all week, just do it for a few hours", if there were any clean clothes when I leave for work in the morning. I'm just saying, I need to smell & look decent to keep the one income this family is currently sporting.

How many SAHM's have hubbies who come home from work & whisk the baby away for the night - simultaneously cleaning up the kitchen from their breakfast & lunch, then cook dinner, and re-clean the kitchen, feed the baby, bathe the baby, play with the baby for 3 minutes, put baby to bed, start laundry, sweep up, clean the toys from the day, fold laundry and play with bills ... while SAHM gets to play online for 6 hours with her gamer friends?

I'm trying not to be bitter ~ but I'm still doing ALL the things I did while we were both working & I feel like I'm getting gipped in the deal. I still have to deal with bosses & traffic while he's at home sleeping until 9, getting her up at 10 & 2 hour nap to boot. Then I'm home at 5:30 ~ he's dealing with 5 hours a day ~ 7 on her worst day & doing nothing else. Is this normal?

Not sure I'm succeeding

I'm trying my best to be strong for Hubs right now, I'm doing everything I can to dig us out of this financial hole. I'm trying to bring all the money in that I can - including looking into second jobs. I spend every lunch hour looking for a job for him, sending out resumes, looking into every option I can find for him. I've tried to save every dime I can. I'm doing my best to keep us afloat until we figure out a solution .... but damn I'm tired.

I feel like he's looking to me to make this better & make him feel better ~ I don't have the strength to do all of it right now. I can't keep us afloat & keep his spirits up at the same time. If I think about how despressed & broke we really are - I'll never make it through this. I am keeping myself focused on tasks in an effort to not think about how shitty everything has gotten. If I can make a goal & see it through every day then I feel like I'm at least accomplishing something & getting marginally closer to the finish line.

It's not helping that Hubs attitude that he is a SAHD now. He had to drop his work hours for last week & this week (since they were all during the day) & he has started keeping the Princess at the house with him. Financially this is actually helpful ~ we were paying $500/mo in daycare for him to sit at home and make about $400 ... a month. He always said that he would love to be a SAHD ~ but I think he severely underestimated the amount of work that this would entail.

I'm trying my hardest NOT to ask him what he did all day ... especially when there have been 4 loads of laundry needing folding & 3 loads needing laundering since last Wednesday. Especially when the floors have not been touched, the bed not made, the bathrooms not tended to and the child is still in her pajamas at 6pm. Every day. I know that keeping her safe/entertained/fed is a full time job. But I also know that if the positions were reversed I would never hear the end of his whining if he was to come home to those conditions. I should be happy he has dinner cooked ... he would be pissed off that his boxers weren't in his drawer. She wakes up at 10am & naps for 2 hours a day. You can't tell me that he can't get SOME kind of housework done during the day .... but I don't ask him that because part of me knows that he's trying to adjust to no longer being the bread winner and not feeling like a Manly Man while he plays with dollies and makes horsey sounds and changes diapers all day. Why make him feel worse ... even though it's making my "maid job" harder.

Hubs can pick up new hours next week & work evenings & weekends - his money will actually benefit the house until he can either find a new job or make this one worth the effort. It's just going to take time ... and maybe focusing on work will improve his attitude soon.

I'm done whining. I'm the Mom & the Mom does what has to be done & keeps it all together.

Mom makes everything work & takes care of everyone's heart.

Mom falls apart in the shower while everyone else is still asleep in the mornings.

TGIO ~ Thank God It's OVER

Whew ... this week has just sucked the life out of me.

I've been (quietly) dieting - didn't really tell anyone because I didn't want the added pressure of the "So how's the diet going?" questions. Those never fail to work just like the "So how are you doing with the whole quitting smoking?" - all it does is make you want a cigarette so badly that you could knock over your 80 year old grandfather in a mad dash for the door & then stab your granny with a fork to steal her smokes. Have I mentioned that I quit smoking 30months ago & I STILL crave those beautiful sticks of relaxation?

Shut up - I know they stink & will kill you ~ but my. god. The peaceful 5 minutes of no one bugging you, walking away from the world (to hide) and just quietly killing yourself .... ooh I miss that some days.

Yes I've been known to sneak one every few months, yes if my husband finds out he bugs me to no end about it ... and yet he still smokes & refuses to quit. Lovely. I get lectures & "Shame on you!" from a man with a lit cigarette in his hand.

How the hell did I get on this topic? Oh yeah. Diets.

Diets suck the life out of you & steal the joy of fat, carbs, sugar and all things gooey from the world.

But I'm down 5 pounds this week so I guess I'll stick to it.

Damn I want a smoke now ..... trading one vice for another probably wouldn't be a good idea, right?

Bring on the migraine

I hate Mondays. I reeeeeeeally hate Mondays.

I dropped the Princess off at the sitters this morning & was greeted by "Do you have a second, we need to talk."

Turns out that our discussions about "are you sure you can handle my one year old plus your 3 kids?" were just all for naught.

She's been watching the kiddo for one month - I've asked her 3 or 4 times in the last month if everything is alright, if she's sure this is working for her, if she's ok with the fact that I can't pick Princess up until 6pm ... Nope, everything's been fine, she loves having her, it's all great. Her husband even thanked Hubs for letting them keep her because they've been in such a tight financial spot & the income was great for them. They asked US to start keeping her - I NEVER asked her to do this for me, I never imposed, I never asked her to keep her one minute longer than she had to - I've picked her up early several times & Hubs has taken her late several times ~ just to help her out ... all while paying her MORE than we would pay a daycare.

Well they sold their first house 2 weeks ago & now they are down to one mortgage ... and that freed up $$$ in their budget. So guess who no longer needs to work. And now all the little things that I was scared of ~ now they are all just too much for her.

Well yummy.

I'm sorry - but the fact is that I asked her REPEATEDLY BEFORE this started to really think about what she was getting into, if she was sure, if she could handle it ... and now she's dropping my kid.

I know that she & her hubs had a fight last week - in front of my daughter - which was almost enough to make me pull her out, but I didn't want to screw her over based on one bad day & it's damn near impossible to find a daycare in my area that's not filled to capacity with a 6 month waiting list. I have bent over backward to accomodate everything I can to make this as easy as possible on the sitter ~ I don't care if she runs errands with my kiddo in tow, I don't care if she takes her out 3 times a day to drop her boys off at their schools & then to pick them up at two different times. I adjusted to the fact that the Princess watched more tv there than she does at home ~ you have to do what you can to entertain her while you deal with the other kids - I get that. I liked that we got in return - a mommy environment, healthy lunches & snacks, constant feedback on her progress, fewer kids to get her sick, actual one-on-one time with an adult, and that she was with someone that I trust completely ....

Just excuse me for a sec while I throw up.

Moving her again will make the 4th daycare setting the Princess has had in 13 months of daycare time. I never wanted to put her in this position ~ it feels like every time she gets comfortable & happy SOMETHING goes wrong & I have to pull her out.

The first time her daycare closed down with NO notice
The second time the only daycare with spots available on 2 days notice .... well there was a reason they had so many spaces available. They were shitty.
This third time ~ she's being kicked out.

I hate hate hate hate hate this. I feel guilty enough that I have to even have my child in daycare. I feel shitty enough that my husband doesn't make enough money for me to stay home with my child like EVERY SINGLE OTHER FRIEND I HAVE DOES. All I want is for my child to have a happy, safe, comfortable place to go every day while I come to work. All I want is to find a daycare setting where she is loved & cared for - and where I feel comfortable leaving her.

Can I just scream curse words at the top of my voice for a few minutes? I hate this for my baby, I hate this for the extra bonus stress it's putting on my life ~ and I hate this because I know that Hubs will never forgive the sitter for putting us in this position & it will screw up my friendship with her.

Damn it I hate Mondays.

I miss music

I've always been a music oriented person ~ I put the Periodic Table into a song so that I could pass my high school chemistry class. It was the only way I could remember the stupid thing!

I was raised Assembly of God (a sect of Christianity which embraces music in a way I have never seen since). I was encouraged to sing EVERYWHERE & my parents spent $$$$ to ensure that I was well trained & given every opportunity to excel. I was accepted to NC School of the Arts (and my mother pulled that moment to refuse to let me leave home - we'll talk about that more later). I was offered an audition to Juliard - I used to be good good. That one came after I was in a national competition within the church & placed 13th in the nation. AoG has 10 colleges (if I remember correctly) & they all had "scouts" at the competition. Turns out those scouts (for lack of a better word) shared information with other colleges in an effort to further the kids chances for good scholarships & educations. One of the scouts contacted my mom later & asked for a tape of me, sent it to his friend & I got a letter from Juliard. My mother has it framed somewhere in the house.

There are days I still wonder how my life would have turned out if my mother hadn't pulled her stunts & let me go to School of the Arts, and go on the Juliard audition.

I wonder how my life would have turned out if I hadn't burned out on what used to be my refuge.

I did go to college on a music scholarship and was a "music major with an emphasis in Opera". That's what's on my transcripts. Freaky right? I can sing in German, Italian, French, Spanish and English; I can sit through an Opera and never blink. I can't understand a damn word of German, Italian, French or Spanish outside of music. No one looks at me & thinks "Wow she must be a wonderful soprano." But I was ~ and I miss it so much some days.

I used to spend 3 hours a day practicing, one hour of that was just warming up & breathing exercises. I had tight little abs from all those breathing exercises (that stuff was strenuous believe it or not!) If I was stressed I sang longer, if I was practicing for a competition I would loose track of time altogether. My dad bought soundproofing egg crates & installed them in one room of the basement for me, just to save the sanity of the rest of the family.

Somewhere during my first attempt at college I burned out musically. What had been my refuge, my identity, my one calm spot in the insanity that was my life suddenly became a choking leash on me. I hated to think about it, I was stressed and floundering and my best safety net was gone. I walked away and never looked back ... for 10 years. I knew that I would miss it someday, but I never knew how much.

Since I had the Princess I've felt its absence so much more. I go to sing lullabies and find myself missing my voice. The voice I've abused and ignored for so long that I'm not sure how to find it again. I hear myself now and know that the voice I once was would laugh at the voice I am now.

But the voice I am now has so much more heart and experience behind it. Where before I was manufacturing the emotion, trying to produce it from a teenager's eyes - now I have the life to back up the words. If I can just find the notes again.

I watched my daughter dance for the first time the other night (well, booty wiggle, but still!). I watched her pure joy in hearing music & being able to move to it. Her face as she tries to "sing" along to her songs ~ I see in her what I used to see in myself and it thrills me and kills me all in the same moment. As much as I miss that for myself, I can't wait to introduce all those beautiful songs, notes, trills, runs, jumps, and words to my child.

Watch. She'll want to play clarinet instead.