I miss music

I've always been a music oriented person ~ I put the Periodic Table into a song so that I could pass my high school chemistry class. It was the only way I could remember the stupid thing!

I was raised Assembly of God (a sect of Christianity which embraces music in a way I have never seen since). I was encouraged to sing EVERYWHERE & my parents spent $$$$ to ensure that I was well trained & given every opportunity to excel. I was accepted to NC School of the Arts (and my mother pulled that moment to refuse to let me leave home - we'll talk about that more later). I was offered an audition to Juliard - I used to be good good. That one came after I was in a national competition within the church & placed 13th in the nation. AoG has 10 colleges (if I remember correctly) & they all had "scouts" at the competition. Turns out those scouts (for lack of a better word) shared information with other colleges in an effort to further the kids chances for good scholarships & educations. One of the scouts contacted my mom later & asked for a tape of me, sent it to his friend & I got a letter from Juliard. My mother has it framed somewhere in the house.

There are days I still wonder how my life would have turned out if my mother hadn't pulled her stunts & let me go to School of the Arts, and go on the Juliard audition.

I wonder how my life would have turned out if I hadn't burned out on what used to be my refuge.

I did go to college on a music scholarship and was a "music major with an emphasis in Opera". That's what's on my transcripts. Freaky right? I can sing in German, Italian, French, Spanish and English; I can sit through an Opera and never blink. I can't understand a damn word of German, Italian, French or Spanish outside of music. No one looks at me & thinks "Wow she must be a wonderful soprano." But I was ~ and I miss it so much some days.

I used to spend 3 hours a day practicing, one hour of that was just warming up & breathing exercises. I had tight little abs from all those breathing exercises (that stuff was strenuous believe it or not!) If I was stressed I sang longer, if I was practicing for a competition I would loose track of time altogether. My dad bought soundproofing egg crates & installed them in one room of the basement for me, just to save the sanity of the rest of the family.

Somewhere during my first attempt at college I burned out musically. What had been my refuge, my identity, my one calm spot in the insanity that was my life suddenly became a choking leash on me. I hated to think about it, I was stressed and floundering and my best safety net was gone. I walked away and never looked back ... for 10 years. I knew that I would miss it someday, but I never knew how much.

Since I had the Princess I've felt its absence so much more. I go to sing lullabies and find myself missing my voice. The voice I've abused and ignored for so long that I'm not sure how to find it again. I hear myself now and know that the voice I once was would laugh at the voice I am now.

But the voice I am now has so much more heart and experience behind it. Where before I was manufacturing the emotion, trying to produce it from a teenager's eyes - now I have the life to back up the words. If I can just find the notes again.

I watched my daughter dance for the first time the other night (well, booty wiggle, but still!). I watched her pure joy in hearing music & being able to move to it. Her face as she tries to "sing" along to her songs ~ I see in her what I used to see in myself and it thrills me and kills me all in the same moment. As much as I miss that for myself, I can't wait to introduce all those beautiful songs, notes, trills, runs, jumps, and words to my child.

Watch. She'll want to play clarinet instead.