Ok, now she's just screwing with me.

This letter came in the mail yesterday:

Dear Son-in-law,

We stopped by the "home" of "Smuckers" in Ohio on our way home from the wedding - and came across these cooking gadgets and right away thought of Princess and your love for cooking.

We had such a ball with Princess! She was such a good girl - very tolerant of all the excitement. :-) She is so reflective of the loving care she receives from you. And oh, how she must love her daddy!! She couldn't ask for a better one.

So go have fun making pancakes for little Princess. These times that you two are spending together are priceless with incredible dividends in the future.

Take Care,

The in-laws

Um ... what the hell? Not that I don't appreciate that she's showing my husband some much needed appreciation for staying at home with the kiddo .... but, what the hell?

Even Hubs is a *tad* confused by this one.

Am I taking this too personally, or is letter this just that strange?

(And except for the names, I copied the letter exactly. Quotation marks especially. Just for your reading pleasure!)

Pregnancy skin that's far from glowing

Unless you consider the green glow of a nuclear reactor pretty ~ this isn't cutting it.

I have never had dry / itchy / scaly / disgusting skin before. And HOW is it that my face is simultaneously dry-scaly-itchy & still manages to have an oil field on my nose & chin areas???

If I don't spend the rest of this year scratching my face off it will be a friggin miracle.

Maybe the puke-fest that was my pregnancy with Noodle was a small blessing. It kept me hot and sweaty so my skin stayed clear ... or I was too sick to care what my skin looked like & no one wanted to tell me that I had the flesh of a dehydrated lizard.

My entire body is itchy. Constantly.

I get razor burn now ~ how is that fair? I'm banning all sleeveless shirts from my wardrobe because the burn from shaving my pits is driving me insane. I look like the cousin of a primate scratching at them all day. Let's just say that the area south of my Bella Band will not be shaved for many many months to come at this rate. My neighbors already think I have crabs ....

I guess I'm just not meant to be the pretty, glowing, happy pregnant woman who makes statements like:

“I love it. It makes me feel like a woman. It makes me feel that all the things about my body are suddenly there for a reason. It makes you feel round and supple, and to have a little life inside you is amazing. Also, I’m fortunate. I think some women have a different experience depending on their partner. I think that affects it. I happen to be with somebody who finds pregnancy very sexy. So that makes me feel very sexy.”

“I had a C-section and I found it fascinating. I didn’t find it a sacrifice and I didn’t find it a painful experience. I found it a fascinating miracle of what a body can do.”


I really, really hate Angelina Jolie today. Why can't she be a scaly puking mess like the rest of the pregnant world??

Momentous Occasions

Hubs just called to tell me that his dad called to chat (ok that's been happening more & more lately...strange). In the course of the conversation FIL asked Hubs about his training class for the new job with Apple, how the exam went, etc. Hubs told him that out of the 25 peeps in class, only 7 of them passed the final (one of which was Hubs YEAH!!!) .... but then the strangest words ever uttered by a parent came forth from FIL's mouth:

"I'm proud of you son"

*crickets*

I think the world stopped spinning there for a minute.

My first words upon hearing the momentous phrase: "Is he sick?"

FIL has never, but never ever not once said those words to Hubs. I'm not sure that he's ever said them to any of his kids. He says variations ~ you did good, well that's great, etc. But never uses that one word. It's an event that needs to be recorded for future generations.

Turns out his dad is impressed because Apple is trading at over $100/share lately. Go figure, he's impressed that Hubs hooked up with a money company.

But he said the words!!

My mother + pregnancy + the holidays = Oye.

Someone save me.

My mother wants to come down at Christmas when the baby is born.

She wants to help us out.

Help me out & take that plane ticket money ~ hire me a nanny instead.

She has horrible osteoporosis & is not supposed to pick up anything over 10 pounds ... that would be the baby. She can help with the Princess, but since she's still very much a "carry me" kinda kid, there's not a lot Mom can do on her own, without one of us pitching in to help.

It's not even that I know my mother stresses me out, and Hubs really can't stand being in the same room with her for more than ten minutes at a time. Even that stretches his ability to be nice to the breaking point. I just dread having her there, feeling like I need to entertain her with something more than Fox news, and being exhausted from having a new baby & a toddler to deal with ... all while Hubs hides in the office and tries to ignore my mother's presence.

I can't tell her not to come see her grandchild & I can't tell her that we don't need her ~ but I can't take Valium while I'm breastfeeding either.

Can I just ask her for the Nanny?

Wedding Whining Post #I can't remember anymore

Brace yourself. You're about to get a glimpse into how petty and jealous a 30 year old woman can be.

So we've talked about how supportive my parents were with my wedding.

Bubba got married last weekend ~ and it was absolutely gorgeous & perfect in every way.

And then I found out how much my parents *really* contributed.

Oh. My. God.

My wedding present was $500 toward the price of my wedding gown & the 3 of them flew down & spent 2 nights in a hotel. TaDa.

Bubba & his lovely bride were given::

A catered rehearsal dinner complete with appetizers and fully decorated.
A photographer. A GOOD photographer. For 6 hours.
Fresh flowers for the ceremony. SIL's parents were going to do fake flowers which upset her, so my mother told her to get what she wanted & just send her the bill for the florist.
Rented tuxedos for the 6 groomsmen.
They provided 6 hotel rooms for 4 nights for family guests.
They INVITED family & friends to the wedding.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?

They didn't lift a finger when their own daughter was THE BRIDE ~ but when it comes to making the Groom look good they are all over it like icing on a cake. Me, Hubs and his family covered every copper penny of our wedding. I looked like a jackass of a daughter-in-law who's parents wouldn't even show up for the rehearsal dinner to meet their son (they couldn't leave town until after work & after Bubba's classes were over for the day) ... they took 5 days off to be at Bubba's wedding ... but hey ~ pull out all the stops for your son's wedding ~ barely show up for your daughter's. That's fair.

Daddy made a 5 minute speech during the wedding, talking to my brother about his responsibilities as a husband. I could barely get him to stand with me long enough to give me away & throw my veil back.

Daddy made a speech during the reception (as best man) ... they barely spoke to anyone at my reception.

After the ceremony Mom was upset that they didn't ask me to sing (insert rolly eyes here) The bride's middle sister sang .... I don't know what SIL did to that girl in the past, but after that performance they have GOT to be even. Wowza! That was just brutal. She did things to that song that a dying cat wouldn't have been able to accomplish.

My parents wonder why we have a strained relationship .....

The kindness of strangers, the pissyness of family

Why do I long for a vacation ~ until I'm on one? Then the only place I want to be is home.

In my defense, my vacations are always spent as "family" vacations with either my parents or inlaws. Everyone knows that is no vacation. Vacation is defined as getting away from people who bug the ever-loving-daylights out of you ... taking said people with you defeats the friggin purpose.

The wedding went off beautifully, the child behaved PERFECTLY, I was able to relax in the mornings while her grandparents spoiled the crap out of her & showed her off like a beauty queen. It would have been a wonderful weekend, except - you know - the whole presence of family & even fish stink after 3 days. What? You've never heard that saying? "Guests, like fish, stink after three days." They weren't guests, but you get my point.

God love her ~ I couldn't have paid the Princess to behave any better than she did. Her position as favorite child is safe for another six months! She pulled out all the stops to be charming & sweet & cuddly in public - and then passed flat out the minute I laid her on the hotel bed. Poor baby slept naked in a diaper for 3 nights. I wasn't about to risk waking her up just to put pj's on her.

And Northwest airlines ..... Northwest can kiss. my. butt.

3 hours late getting home AND they "lost" my stroller. Great. How do you loose luggage that's been gate checked??

But I'm home, the Princess made it through without falling apart & no one puked on the plane. Even though I wanted to.

Desperately.

Stupid turbulance.

Oh NOW he gets all noble

For months hubs has been acting like my trip with the Princess will be no big deal ~ we'll hop on the plane, be there in 2 hours & get the rental car - what's so hard about that?!?!

1. No he's never flown.
2. He's never been in an airport since 9/11.
3. He's never gone on a trip with a toddler for more than one night.

I started packing last night & he walked in:

H: You're never going to fit it all in those 2 bags. There's no way.

Me: Well I have to - the airline won't let me take more than this & the stowed bag can't be more than 50 pounds.

H: Well use the bigger bag as your carry on.

M: Um, no - it won't fit in the overhead compartment (At this point I'm thanking God that I'VE flown before - otherwise we would be screwed)

He then proceeds to argue with me about item placement, what bag will hold the electronics

Me: I need to keep them with me because they will get treated like crap by the baggage handlers & keep in mind, I'll have to show them to security.

H: Are you kidding me? Why would they care about your camera??

Me: Preaching to the choir dude.

H: Well put your makeup stuff in the carry on & that will save room in the big bag for your shoes.

Me: Nuh-uh. You can only have like 3 ounces of anything gel or liquid in the carry on & they have to be in the tiny bag that ~ again ~ you show to security.

H: WHO MAKES THIS SHIT UP!?!

Me: Again ~ Preaching. To. The. Choir. And don't forget -- I have to tote all of this crap & our 30 pound child with my horrid aching back & horrid horrid morning sickness.

H: I quit. I wonder how much it would cost to FedEx this crap.

Later, after we spent 2 hours wrestling with bags, item placement, how many times you can fold jeans to try and save space, how many stuffed animals we could shove into nooks and crannies, and still saving room for the last minute "Holy crap I forgot _______", Hubs went to hide in his office.

He's now decided that he wants to go with us, this is too much for me to do on my own & he'll suck up the hatred of my parents to be there for me. NOW he's all noble. 3 months ago when I wanted him to suck it up, shut up & just go along for the ride ~ not so much.

Lucky for him - his nobility isn't being tested. The tickets are now $550.

I need his help, but $550 worth of it?

(Just for the record: FedEx would be a whopping $127 for a 20 pound box to get there on Thurs afternoon. I'll just wrestle with the stupid bags & save my cash.)

Speaking of "Oral"

So the other day C the 1st mentioned that her Mom spilled the beans about her knowledge of b.l.o.w.j.o.b.s.. I think we all screamed a little inside hearing about anyone's Mom speaking of such things. I mean - ICK. There's a difference in having the general knowledge that anyone's mother *could* be doing such things ~ and then knowing whether your own mother does .... excuse me I have to go throw up real quick.

Ok, all better.

C the 1st got me to thinking: Someday my daughter is going to learn this aspect of sex, and ohmygod I need to hurl again. In like 30 or 40 years the Princess is going to have a guy expect one of those.

There are things that I hope my daughter learns about sex ~ things which I have no clue how she will learn because I have absolutely no intention of being the one to tell her.

I hope she learns that:

It's fun. It's really fun.
It can be a wonderful part of your marriage when the sex is great.
When it's awful it can cause divorces.
Trying new things is never a bad thing ~ but to never do anything she's not comfortable with.
NEVER under any circumstances let anyone take pictures of her - or take pics of herself to give to anyone.
NEVER under any circumstances let the deed be taped. Even in marriage it's just not a good idea. Divorces happen and those tapes get "lost" ... or stuck online for the world to see in an act of vengeance.
NEVER Swallow. It can give you cancer.

You think I'm joking??

Oral Sex Blamed for Rise in Throat Cancer

Go look ~ it will make you very very happy to have been the prude in your high school class.

Nice girls suck.
Great girls swallow catch cancer. Just say no.

I wonder if I can get her godmother to teach her this stuff .... there's no way in Hades I can have that kind of conversation sober ... or without having a heart attack halfway through.

Get your nose out of my maternity bra

"Why would you have an epidural?" *insert revulsion and disgusted expression here*
: Because I was in PAIN you masochistic heifer. It wasn't like I was snorting a line of cocaine, I had 2 doctors standing there promising me that they would make me feel better. I drank their koolaid & loved every drop.

"Well you are going to breastfeed this time aren't you?" *insert silent accusations of unfit motherhood at will*
: Can you take your nose out of my maternity bra & quit worrying about what's in my kid's stomach please? Worry about your own kid sitting over there eating dirt, then we'll talk about the perfect food mkay?

"I didn't take any medications while I was pregnant with my perfect angel." *again, insert revulsion and disgust*
: Well lucky farkin you. I'm glad you suffered through sciatica and contractions without even a Tylenol. You're Zena the Warrior princess and I pale in comparison. Gimme my Zofran and shut the hell up.

"All induction does is increase your chances of a c-section."
: Really? Oh well. After 3 weeks of near-constant-not-working-for-crap contractions, I was just begging for the kid to come out already. Either way, I didn't care. All I wanted was to have a healthy baby in the end. My induction made that happen ... finally. I'll have to pray the next one goes as well.

"C-sections are only done to make the dr's life easier."
: Hmmm. So when my blood pressure was bottoming out & the Princess' heart rate plummeted for those few minutes, the Dr would only have done a c-section to make her own life easier. Good to know. Next time I'll fight for my heart attack & make the doctor really earn her paycheck.

"Oh, so will you be getting your tubes tied if this one's a boy? I mean, you don't really want a third do you?" *insert innocence and horror*
: Only if I can cut your tongue out first.

"You just need to watch what you eat and you won't be so sick."
: KISS MY QUEASY, CONSTIPATED PREGNANT ASS YOU NOSEY BITCHES.

Why do I even talk to people while I'm pregnant? All they do is piss me off and make me homicidal. Give me a female judge & one pregnant woman in the jury & there's no way I would be convicted for beating these idiots with my purse.

On the upside: I'm down 15 pounds. How am I lighter when I'm pregnant than any other time in my life??

Sex And The City Movie SPOILERS (& discussion)

I'm warning you now: If you haven't seen the movie & don't want to know details yet - WALK AWAY. I love you, come back tomorrow & we'll talk about sex and something else. I promise.

But today ~ I have to talk to someone about this movie!!!!

If you're still with me ~ let's talk!


While I had heard rumors that there were several boom mike slips in the movie - I still wasn't ready for ALL of them! My gosh! How did the editors miss that many?! About 90 minutes in they were all over the freakin place!

Some of the scene cuts were a little odd. I'm wondering how many deleted or edited scenes we'll have in the DVD release ... there weren't many of those kind of flaws, but they were fairly glaring when they did show up.

They couldn't have shoved one more designer label in this movie if they tried. Good grief. I know it's SATC & New York & Shoes Shoes SHOES - but the clothing designers were never that prominent in the show. Not to the extent that they are in the movie. It was almost distracting at some points.

The whines are over. And whoever was sneaking around to peak "accidentally" at some spoilers has surely gotten bored & left by now ~ so let's talk about the good stuff!!

The story line was PERFECT. There was a big "truth" of the movie, much like the show, and the ability for two dear friends to learn it at the same time, together & not involving the men was truly a SATC girl moment. That & Big were what viewers were looking for - and they captured the magic all over again.

I am slightly confused as to why there was less sex in the movie than there ever was in the show. NOT that I'm complaining ~ I just wasn't expecting the movie to be cleaner than HBO version! I don't recall seeing one pair of boobies in the whole movie. Correct me if I'm wrong (I had my head down trying not to hurl through several parts, I may have missed a flashing or two.)

I've always loved the friendships within the group best, the dynamics of two women away from the pack. Miranda & Carrie have always been the core duo within the group. They manage to have this extra bond without alienating Charlotte and Samantha, that's a balance that makes or breaks many group friendships. It's a hard line to walk and the four of them do it with an enviable grace and ease.

Ok ~ Miranda and Steve: Seriously, Steve cheats & DOESN'T expect his hard-nosed-black-&-white-lines-attorney-wife to take it badly? Am I the only person who was screaming (internally) at him for even telling her? Don't yell at me ~ Everyone uses the line "I felt like hell, I had to tell you, I never wanted to hurt you" ~ well then you should have made sure I never found out & just let this eat away at you. THAT would have been punishment for you without hurting me. Now I have to kill you.

Charlotte ... other than the pregnancy (which they showed very little of except the fake ass tummy) & supporting her friends ... she really didn't have much to do. Her little girl is cute though! And Harry with the baby "It's my lot in life to be surrounded by beautiful women!" God love him ~ I love his character. And Evan Handler does a superb job in the role. He's my favorite baldy!!

Samantha & Smith ~ HONEY! There were women throwing popcorn at the screen when she left him. I get why & I understand & she wouldn't be Samantha if she wasn't a little self centered ~ but DAMN. He was just hot. Hot & Sweet and really freakin sexy. But Samantha was honest, after spending 45 years alone before him ~ 5 years with him was great, but it was time for her to move on by herself and be herself again. But when the dog ate the sushi as it fell off of her ... that was just wrong!

And Carrie and Big .... Chris Noth is just .... WOW. The moment in the library when he told her he couldn't do it was breathtaking and heartbreaking all in one. How she managed to go 8 months with never speaking to him WOWZA!!! THAT was in the script ~ cause in real life she would have been hunting him down and cutting his junk off. You know it's true! After 10 (?) years of on-again-off-again, multiple break ups, all the fears, the Vogue shoot ~ and then he leaves her on the library steps 3 minutes before she was going to walk down the aisle?! Oh. Hell. No. If she didn't kill him one of her friends would have. One of my friends would have at least. He made THE big screw up ~ and he knew it the second he made it & wanted to take it back that very moment. And then he waited as Carrie realized that she made a pretty big screw up of her own too. And sent her love letters until she came back to him *SOB* OK so she went back to a $525 pair of never worn shoes ~ but he was there, with her shoes, and they both knew they screwed up & sigh It. Was. Perfect. It never would have happened in real life ~ but it was a perfect fairy tale wrap up.

Samantha's 50. *eyes bursting from their sockets* Enough said.

Charlotte's "pookipsie" in Mexico was PRICELESS ~ but Carrie's line later, as Charlotte worried about her truly surprise pregnancy, "Honey, you shit your pants this year, it doesn't get worse." was a line that all of the girlfriends in the room could completely see telling their dear friend. And yes, as the pregnant friend in my group I heard "It could be worse, you could have shit your pants!" the Whole. Way. Home.

Desperately searching for a new topic

I just realized the last 4 out of 5 posts here have been bitching and whining about my morning sickness.

While this stuff is the pits & I do fully believe that I am allergic to pregnancy ~ I'm tired of thinking about it. Yes it's getting worse, yes I'm on the meds, no the old home remedies don't work on me. If you can think of it, in the last 3 pregnancies, I've tried it. And it didn't work.

And if anyone else tells me to just drink ginger ale I'm going to shake up a bottle of it & point it in their direction.

But hey ~ 9 pounds lost! WooHoo right?!

So ... um ...

Holy crap. There's nothing else in my life now.

I've become that pregnant woman who's head is so far buried in the toilet bowl that the rest of the world ceases to exist. I haven't worn makeup in a week. This is quickly becoming a crisis now when I can barely muster the energy to brush my hair or care if the clippy matches my outfit.

I did however drag my sick tail out of the house to see the new Sex And The City movie last weekend!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I spent the first 15 minutes in the bathroom because the obnoxious beast next to me was eating farking PICKLES during the preview ~ even though my girls stared death ray darts through her ~ she refused to stop at just one. I had to miss the intro or I would have spewed on her ... the smell of pickles was bad enough without adding that to the mix.

And to my credit ~ my hair was brushed & my clippy matched my pants that night.

We'll talk about the movie later --- but IT!! ROCKED!!!!!