A running theme in the apt complex

As I've been poking through apartments, reading up on our collective thoughts and lives, I've noticed this running theme that we all seem to have - Money. Or rather, the lack of money & the stress it's causing us.

It's nice to know I'm not the only apartment floating in this particular boat ... and yet scary to think that so many of us look at our checkbooks and wonder how the bills are going to get paid with a bit leftover so that we can eat. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who may have made some stupid financial decisions, or got stuck in a rut of borrowing just to survive, or experienced job loss in a slow market. And then it's scary to know that there are so many other people in the same positions. We're supposed to be the country of opportunities & most of us are barely staying afloat anymore.

It scares me that I actually went to sign up for Medicaid to help cover the costs of having this baby ... I never thought I would have to do this. When we had the princess I had 2 insurance companies covering me & 100% coverage for every dime that pregnancy. I never once had to talk to a "financial counselor" before my OB appointments, I never wondered how we were going to pay the hospital bills & we walked out without worrying about how many new bills we had just created along with this new baby. And the kicker? We both had good paying jobs & could have afforded a few medical bills + daycare.

Now? One of the poorest states in the country agrees that my household is so broke that I need Medicaid's supplement to help pay for the birth of this child. That's just a big old kick in the teeth right there. I have a good job & make decent money, unfortunately it's only enough to keep my household running ... not enough to actually thrive & pay extraneous bills.

Before anyone gets their panties in a wad about my using government funds to help pay for a baby that I created ~ consider this: None of my providers accept Medicaid. My Ob's office doesn't take it. My home health agency doesn't take it. The hospital I want to deliver at? Nope. They won't take it either. I'll have to switch hospitals for delivery so that at least they will take it, hopefully. And my primary medical coverage will still be covering the bulk of the hospital, medicaid will only kick in to cover whatever is left over there. That's fair right? I've paid in taxes for over 14 years, the government can hook me up with 20% of a hospital bill ...

It is nice to know that I'm not the only one in this row boat ... I'm just wondering when that cruise ship is supposed to come in for all of us.

"Shut UP Alec Baldwin!"

I generally don't care about the personal lives of celebrities, at least not enough to stop watching shows simply because of their presence - but Alec Baldwin has crossed my mental line.

After all of the news/paparazzi reports on his treatment of his young daughter & the voice mail messages he left her ~ I lost all respect for him. Had my husband ever left that type of verbal attack on my child's voice mail I would have been in court asking for all rights and visitation to be terminated. I'm not big on forgiveness when it comes to treating young kids like sh*t. The words that he said to her still play in my brain & I'm a grown adult who doesn't know him ~ so what effect do you think they had on his child?

His "interview" on 20/20 this week was less than forgiving. Blaming your ex for the alienation of your child isn't exactly ingratiating to the general public ~ especially when the story points out that after their divorce he moved across the country & away from his child ... is it just me or do most parents that want to stay connected Stay Near The Child!! Yelling that Kim has systematically alienated your child from you just makes me think that MAYBE if you hadn't treated your kid like crap, she would want to have more to do with you.

Seeing him win the Emmy last night almost made me throw my TiVo out the window ... ugh. So not worth staying up late to see ....

Maybe if I had more faith ...

I could list out all the things that are wrong in my life right now (dude, the lack of money would SOOO top that list). I could whine about how crappy I feel (and I really do) ... I could tell you how deathly scared I am that something will go wrong with this pregnancy (there's no reason for me to think so, it's just an unshakable fear from nowhere) ~ but all I can think about is how maybe if I just had more faith, then maybe none of this would be wrong.

I was raised in a religious household where prayer was more than just for bedtime & the Lord's name was never taken in vain. If you were upset or there was a problem, you were told to pray about it. If Mom or Dad didn't know how to answer our requests, we were told that they would pray about it and get back to us. We were all in church 3 or more times a week (depending on group meetings, practices, etc), we knew the verses, we knew the songs & we knew the steps we were supposed to take to have a happy life dang it.

Somewhere around college I got off that path & took my own route through life.

I know that having faith & religion doesn't stop life from hitting you (Daddy's cancer, Mom's cancer, Grandmother's dementia, etc) but it's supposed to make those hits easier to bear. Or something like that.

Lately it seems like my little family just keeps taking hits, and while they are nothing large, it seems like I'm less effective at fighting them off. I used to be happy, easygoing person who saw the glass as half full ... now the glass seems to have a leak in the bottom somewhere.

Over the last few days I can't help but think "Maybe if I had more faith .... maybe if I hadn't left that path .... maybe if I really believed again, maybe then my life would be easier."

And then I wonder if even devout believers are beyond needing a little pharmeceutical boost every now and then.

Becoming my mother

As the Princess has gotten bigger I've noticed little statements flying from my mouth without my brain even registering them ... little things that I heard my mother say ten gazillion times as a child.

Oh. My. FARK!!!

When did this happen?!

Did some gene turn on at her first birthday party that I was unaware of?!

Hubs & I have conversations about discipline ideas & parenting rules, what values we want to instill in the girls, plans of how to handle foreseeable issues ~ and through them all I hear my mother somehow taking over my body and speaking through my mouth. I'm fairly sure she can't separate herself from her body & I know she's in Virginia .... but somehow she's using my vocal cords to raise my child.

It's not that I don't appreciate how I was raised - Bubba & I turned out to be fairly well adjusted members of society - but it's the memories of how much I hated her growing up, that's what scares me.

My mom was a tiny bit of a Nazi was confused for Hitler's daughter very strict when it came to discipline. It was her way & there was no highway option, just BAM! Her. Period. (Daddy was there too but let's face it - he deferred to her wisdom in all things child-rearing.) Mom was creative and calculating in her punishments, you were never quite sure what you were in for but you could be assured it was going to huuuurt! Whether it was physical or emotional, she managed to tag you RIGHT on the ass. It's almost impressive to look back on ... and yet still, a tad hateful. She used her knowledge of our weaknesses as weapons against us & so I stopped sharing anything with her. She used her friends as spies religiously (I still can't believe some of them were so willing to help her out) and you never knew who she had reporting to her.

I don't want my girls to hate me or block me out the way I did with my mother. I know I'm not ready to hear my mother's words flying from my mouth ... I'm just hoping that when they do, they come across with more love and patience than I remember hearing.

I'm moving to an Ark

Between Katrina, Rita, Faye, Gustav & now Ike ~ I'm thinking I need to move off of the gulf coast & onto an ark.

It would just be so much easier to pull up the anchor & wave bye-bye to the neighborhood during storms. Then we could evacuate & still have all our stuff with us. No calling the insurance company, no worrying over deductibles or flooded sewer lines, and no more listening to the neighbor's generator at 3am. When you are hot, sticky and laying in bed praying for a good stiff breeze through the open windows - the sound of other people's generators will drive nuns to start drinking.

We're not in the path of Ike (we already had our fun with Gustav) but we are in his return tour now. So far today we've had a bit of rain with a LOT of wind. If that's any indication of how big or strong he is, I'm thrilled to not live in Galveston. Early next week is looking good for more rain & wind around my house ... gotta love those flood watches.

Remind me that it could be worse ... we could live in the blessed north where it actually snows, but snow can cave your roof in ... right?

Useless Homeowner Association

I swear, when we chose this neighborhood I thought a homeowners association was a good thing ... 4 years later I could watch the board members get evicted and I really wouldn't give a good holy crap about them. This board has gone through several members (my husband having been one of them) and the ineffectiveness has remained the same. Thanks to several "reigning" witches, the board is hampered in All. Their. Decisions. that aren't pet choices of the witches counsel. Now apparently the witches have just taken over and it's going to hell in a handbasket over there.

At the beginning of the year our covenants were being changed & they were asking for a 30% increase in dues, which has to be approved by a neighborhood vote. I paid 1/2 the dues and waited to see what would happen before I paid the rest. In their first meeting they were unable to vote because they were ONE household shy of having 60% participation. Fine, we go onto a second meeting with 40% --- but OH NONONONO --- instead they walked around the neighborhood going door to door pushing people into signing the new covenants and the increase into law. Since then they've refused to give an accounting because "It's a secret ballot" ... um, how secret is it when you came to my door & asked me to say "yes or no"?? Dude -- That's NOT a secret!!

Fast forward to this month & I get an unsigned, unaddressed letter shoved in my mailbox stating that they have already asked for our dues & if they aren't paid this week they are going to file a lean on my house ... Um ~ Excuse me?!

Don't worry about violating the privacy in collections laws.

Don't worry about violating federal mail laws in tampering with my mailbox.

I've sent a very restrained, very professional, fairly respectful letter to the board & Hubs is emailing it to current & several past board members. I know you're shocked - but I really did hold back on the full force of my feelings with this letter ... for what it will be worth. I want them to understand how their actions and tone create unnecessary strife within the neighborhood, but I want them to actually hear my words - not just brush me off as a hormonal slacker.

Hubs & I have talked this afternoon and one of us will be signing up to be on the board again next year ... after this letter I'm betting they would rather it be him & never have to see me again!

Diaper rashes and long cuddles

I walked in the door from my long day at the office only to see Hubs with the universal "SHHHH" symbol of his finger over his lips. The house was completely dark, very chilly and the only sound was of a whimpering toddler somewhere in the den.

He quietly whispered that she had been fussy ever since her nap & he didn't know what was wrong. My brain quickly scrolled through ear aches, teething, growing bones; anything that could hit with no symptoms and leave a crying fussy child. She saw me walk in the door and I watched her slide off the couch to come get me. As I watched her, I saw the one sure symptom - walking bowlegged. My baby had popped her famous diaper rash during her nap. She doesn't get them often but when she does, she makes up for lost time. She gets the angry red, puffy, hot to touch variety that seems to come from nowhere.

She hadn't walked for Daddy so he hadn't been able to see the evidence, and there was no evidence of a needed diaper change when she woke up unhappy.

As we changed and doctored her poor angry tushie I comforted my girl and told her how close we were to done. I promised to make her better, I promised that the medicine would work quickly, I promised that the Tylenol would make it easier. We settled in the den with her favorite blanket and binkie, a cold pack under her tush and rocked in the dark and quiet.

Since she's been big enough to walk those long rocking sessions have been left behind for RUNNING! and playing with her toys. She climbs in our laps for a moment at a time, and then she's off again. The only time cuddles are acceptable is when she's too tired or too sick to run anymore. Last night fit both bills and we spent 30 quiet minutes just snuggling, smelling my baby's hair, feeling the weight of her heavy in my arms again. I knew that she would grow up and snuggling wouldn't be her favorite way to spend her days, I just never thought it would happen so soon ....

Doubting my decisions

I'm hitting that point in the pregnancy where (at 24 weeks) I know that if something was to go wrong we could *try* to save the baby now, but there are still several weeks until we would really have a good chance of a happy outcome ... and I'm realizing that if something was to go horribly wrong, I would still have to go through labor just to come home empty handed.

I've had miscarriages at 12 & 14 weeks and those were bad enough. I have a friend who's had 2 stillbirths .... while I was in labor with the Princess it struck me that she had to go through all the same work, all the while knowing the heartbreak that was waiting for her in the end. I can't even imagine what that would be like, what that would do to your head & your heart.

A few weeks ago I opted not to have all the blood tests run to see if this baby had any defects. I have an aunt with Downs Syndrome & my mother has been a special ed teacher since the 70's. There's nothing you can throw at us that we won't be able to figure out, and anything physically wrong should show up on a sonogram - so I considered us covered & kept going. Now I'm doubting whether that was the smartest move.

I'm over 30 this time, I'm on more medications for morning sickness than I was last time (higher dosages this time), we have a toddler to think of & how this will affect her .... and wouldn't it be better if my heart knew that this baby was fine?

I keep reminding myself of the doctor's agreement with my decision "Since you don't like any of the follow up tests, there's no reason to scare yourself with blood tests that may be wrong." Hubs just nodded his head with whatever my decision was, he understands my reasoning. I don't want to do anything invasive that would risk the pregnancy & all the follow up tests carry a chance of miscarriage. With my history I would just rather not raise that risk any higher than necessary m'kay?

Suddenly in the last few days I've been plagued with questions of what if something is wrong? Shouldn't we find out now? Would we handle it better now, or would it drive us more insane to have 16 more weeks of uncertainty? What if there is a tiny ticking bomb in there that we need to know how to handle ASAP ... or what if absolutely nothing is wrong & my brain is just on overdrive?

I made the same decision with the Princess & everything turned out fine ~ so why am I so uncertain & doubting myself this time around?

I think we broke a federal law

Constance the First was talking about needing a prescription, just for a little "as needed" chemical help. It was one of those posts where you know that your response would be a page long, so you just nod in sympathy & plan a blog post of your own to reply.

My best friend went through our area's mental health group last year because she had the same "I think I'm going a little over the edge, I'm not bat crap crazy - I just need a little pharmaceutical help to keep me from ramming my buggy into random cars to vent my frustrations in life" kind of feelings. She went to our shared general practitioner who told her that she could prescribe a daily course but it could take a month to kick in ~ anything stronger than that she really didn't feel versed enough on to feel comfortable prescribing. Hey, at least she was honest & said she didn't know, but here's the number for the people who will.

Best Friend did the "intake exam" where they evaluate your mental status (as in: can you wait a few days to be seen or are you about to take out your family with a 9mm?) She was told that she was sane enough to wait a week before she talked to the doctor. While comforting, it was still frustrating to have 2 appointments with no results. She went to the doctor appointment & was thrilled to be told "You are so normal." And then left with a monthly scrip as well as an "as needed" dosage of help. The doctor even told her that the as needed may be a bit strong & she could break them in half if she needed. She goes back every 3 months & evaluates how the meds are, if she has any new needs & to renew her prescriptions.

Around this same time last year I was having a few problems with Hubs. Ok more than a few. I actually mentioned the "D" word ... not to him, but I had admitted it to friends which, to them, spoke to how depressed I really was at the time.

Best Friend & I sat down and talked for a long time one night and I left her house with 12 of her as needed pills. I had been on that particular pill before so we knew that it wouldn't hurt me & she knew that I wouldn't take them. That's the strange part about my brain. I need to know that the help is available and then I'm able to handle the situation. I kept those pills in a bottle in my purse until my pregnancy tests popped positive this year ... they are now in my bedside table quietly waiting until I'm no longer pregnant or breastfeeding.

I did the same thing when we lost the baby, I did the same thing after having The Princess, I did the same thing in college ... I don't know why it helps me to just know that I have the bottle in the house ~ maybe knowing that I have the salvation available makes it easier for me to function.

So yeah. We broke a federal law & shared a prescription medication. And I have a small bottle of little blue pills waiting for me if I ever feel like cracking up again ....

Funniest part of watching politics

I love to watch celebrity political kids




Sara Palin's 6 year old grooms her infant brother.

As soon as we saw it last night Hubs & I cracked up ~ he swore it would be on YouTube today ... and there were 10 versions of it plastered up before lunch time.

Kinda gross, very sweet ~ I'm wondering what Mom had to say about it this morning!

The lowering of the glass ceiling

Back in the late 80's/early 90's girls heard the term "glass ceiling" bantered about as a woman's issue ~ basically, you couldn't see it - but there was a limit to how high we could really go in life. Our mother's may have told us that we could be anything we wanted to ... but that wasn't *quite* the truth. We could be anything we wanted to, but only if we could get past the men first.

Now it turns out that we have to get past other women too.

I was on a mommy forum the other day when Sara Palin's candidacy was announced & I hurried to post that "He picked a GIRL!!!!" YEAH!!! So what that it may be a clear stab at collecting the female votes, and yes the GOP may be using her (and her looks) just to get the under 40 male vote ~ but she's a female & a mom & she can fight for working moms! WOOHOO!!!

There aren't words to express how my stomach dropped when one working mom posted: "Well, I know that as a woman I am supposed to be able to identify with her. I just can't. I'm sorry. ... how can you be second in command of the USA and properly raise 5 children? What do you do when you have a child with a fever and a meeting about war planning? Seriously, I can't identify with her being willing to not be there for her kids."

Um .... WHAT?! I have to assume it would work much the same as the Obama's household, or even my own - the Stay At Home Parent takes care of the fever while the employee goes to the meeting. When she comes home she will give all the cuddles in the world & kiss the booboos & help with homework. Just like every other working parent in this country she will, unfortunately, have to miss some events while the SAHP picks up the slack.

God don't strike me dead for agreeing with Anne Coulter - but she made the good point that JFK ran for office with two small children & no one once questioned his ability to be a good father. Beyond that ~ Barack is hailed as a wonderful father who reads to his children at night & helps them with homework & sits on the front row of dance recitals. No one has posed the question that he can't be a good father and fulfill the job of president -- so why is Sara Palin's motherhood being used as a weapon against her? Mitt Romney has 5 sons & has never once had that used against him - just the opposite, his sons were considered to be an asset for his campaign.

Are we lowering the glass ceiling for our daughters now? You can be anything you want to be - so long as you aren't a mom at the same time. You can run a major corporation, just don't get pregnant while you're there or you may not have a job when you come back. You can be VP, so long as you don't take kids along with you.

Since when is it acceptable for motherhood to be considered a detriment for a woman?

Who's available to help me dig?

I swear, if I wasn't 8 years pregnant and thought I could dig a grave - Hubs wouldn't be among the living today.

He smacked his knee on the baby gate last night & Oh! My! God!

Two tiny cuts, no bruising, no swelling - but he acts like it's the end of the world & he can't move. At All. This is the same knee he's torn up several times & I know it's his soft spot ~ but still ...

He spent the entire night flopping and rolling in the bed, trying to get comfortable I suppose ~ but every time he flopped, he woke me up. 23 weeks pregnant, having to pee every hour on the hour and you wake me up flopping around?! Dude, go sleep on the damn couch before I end your life.

At 5am I was wondering if I could just smother him & bury the body in the back yard. I'm bitchy & pregnant ~ his family would believe that he ran off & left me right?

I'm betting his mother wouldn't buy it though ... she'd be the one to rat me out to the cops. Nosey wench.