I could list out all the things that are wrong in my life right now (dude, the lack of money would SOOO top that list). I could whine about how crappy I feel (and I really do) ... I could tell you how deathly scared I am that something will go wrong with this pregnancy (there's no reason for me to think so, it's just an unshakable fear from nowhere) ~ but all I can think about is how maybe if I just had more faith, then maybe none of this would be wrong.
I was raised in a religious household where prayer was more than just for bedtime & the Lord's name was never taken in vain. If you were upset or there was a problem, you were told to pray about it. If Mom or Dad didn't know how to answer our requests, we were told that they would pray about it and get back to us. We were all in church 3 or more times a week (depending on group meetings, practices, etc), we knew the verses, we knew the songs & we knew the steps we were supposed to take to have a happy life dang it.
Somewhere around college I got off that path & took my own route through life.
I know that having faith & religion doesn't stop life from hitting you (Daddy's cancer, Mom's cancer, Grandmother's dementia, etc) but it's supposed to make those hits easier to bear. Or something like that.
Lately it seems like my little family just keeps taking hits, and while they are nothing large, it seems like I'm less effective at fighting them off. I used to be happy, easygoing person who saw the glass as half full ... now the glass seems to have a leak in the bottom somewhere.
Over the last few days I can't help but think "Maybe if I had more faith .... maybe if I hadn't left that path .... maybe if I really believed again, maybe then my life would be easier."
And then I wonder if even devout believers are beyond needing a little pharmeceutical boost every now and then.
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3 comments:
My MIL is one of the most devout people I know but because of the hits her family has taken over the last few years she takes a daily pharmaceutical boost. I don't think she has less faith because she does, I think she knows herself and knew when things just weren't right. HTH
Yes, even true "believers" need pharmacuticals now and then... heck my dad is bipolar and VERY devout. If he went off his meds we would all go nuts. That and mom has Clinical Depression... so yeah, sometimes the trials are mental too. and BELIEVE YOU ME... meds SOOOO help.
I think God can help us through doctors and medications. I struggle with this one from time to time, myself. My faith helps, but it's just not enough for my brain chemistry. Don't beat yourself up.
I was raised fairly similarly to you.
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