The male thought process: does it ever work?

When the Princess was 1 month old Hubs put his foot down and said that she was going in her own room ... this was coincidentally right after he put his big toe into her pack-n-play and cracked the sucker. (Toe, not the PNP) I felt bad for him & caved agreed & spent the next 3 nights sleep training our child. NOT a task for the faint of heart ... or a father as I soon found out. He wanted her in her own room & yet I was the one sleeping on the floor of her nursery as we waged war against closing her eyes and just. going. to. sleep. After the 3rd night she laid down like an angel & we've never had issues with sleeping in the nursery since then. God love her.

Now the Hubs seems to have rethought the process & after 18 months of peace I hear "I wish she would sleep in here and snuggle with us some nights."

Yeah, that doesn't work with her. She sees Daddy & thinks "WOOHOO TIME TO PLAY!!!" And she spends the next hour acting like she ate Mexican jumping beans - as I try to dodge 4 very long arms and legs in the dark.

Last night was a rough one for me, my morning sickness seems to kick in at midnight for some unGodly reason. I was finally comfortably sleeping at 3am until I hear "MOMMA!" Huh? Who? Where? Why are you standing on my bed and what the hell has your father done now?

Oh goody goody gumdrops. A toddler come to share my bed and kick me in the head and flop around as I try not to puke all over the bed. And a husband standing there saying "Well she wanted you. She wouldn't go to sleep for me, she can sleep in here with us tonight."

No. No, she won't. She could. But she won't.

And as it happens every single time ~ he brings her in & I wind up being the hard ass who gets pissed after the 3rd time I've been kicked in the back so I end up toting her back to her crib & plopping her down for the night. And as it happens every single time ~ Hubs is snoring before I make it back to my own bed.

Why does he think that she'll magically sleep this time when historically - She never has before. Why does he think this time will be different? Why do I have to be the one to take her back to bed? I was ALREADY ASLEEP ~ how is this mess my job to clean up?!

Patrick Dempsey Sex Addicts Anonymous Meeting

Ok so not totally anonymous since most of you know me. But still.

I think Patrick gave me an orgasm last night. Can tv do that for women? I thought that was more of a Playboy-n-beer-alone-in-the-house guy kinda thing.

Eh. There's no way it knocked me up or gave me an STD, so I don't care.




I have never wanted to be Ellen Pompeo before (I like my boobs & she has none) ~ but this scene would be worth trading lives for ... for like 3 minutes. That & the paycheck she gets for all the hard work of kissing Patrick. Yeah, that must be just sheer torture.

I swear that man could have the world's worst halitosis & I would probably still want that kiss.

Or maybe not. They say Clark Gable had horrible breath. Knowing that kinda ruins those kissing scenes in Gone with the Wind for me .... screw it. Patrick's hot enough to overcome the stigma!!

(I know of no reports that say he has halitosis. If I ever hear of any I will be sure to pass the information along to you. PDSAA promise.)

Has he completely lost his mind?!

I woke up yesterday morning to some bleeding ~ which I was trying not to freak out over. I did the same thing with the Princess & it was nothing major, I called the Dr's office just to let her know. I thought it was probably safer to have it noted on my record just in case it got worse or happened again. Everything was kosher until the nurse made the comment "Well, the heart tones were a little slow last week. With this bleeding, why don't we go ahead and bring you in for an ultrasound and check viability, ok?"

1. No one told me the heart rate was slow. (118bmp)

2. The new ulcer on the upper right side of my stomach just introduced itself as Dave & apparently he'll be the ulcer for this child. Lovely. (The Princess' is named Haley. She's in the mid south section.)

My best friend came with me since Hubs was unable to make it on such short notice. Baby looks great & the heart rate is nice & strong at 140bpm, the yolk sac looks great, they couldn't see any reason for the bleeding on the u/s. Saw the Dr & had the cervix checked ... there has to be a better way to do that than having someone sitting there staring up your hoohah. If men had to do this there would be a camera system & 4 different kinds of technology to keep a dr's head out of that area. It's just wrong. I digress. Cervix looks great. I know you were dying to know that part right?

I went home & laid down, trying to rest & relax as much as I can ~ Hubs was wonderful & helpful about everything.

By 10pm I was spinning & nauseated again so I fell asleep with a cold wet rag, hoping I could keep dinner down for the rest of the night. Again, Hubs was wonderful & helpful.

At 3am he rolled over to "cuddle" .... I know this cuddle move. This cuddle move is what got me in this position. WHAT THE HELL?!?! DUDE!!! NO! Not only have I been bleeding for a good portion of the day ~ I've already had a big assed sonogram wand & a dr's hand stuck up in there today. I have met my weekly quota for things shoved up in me & I am NOT in the mood to be helping a brotha' out.

I tried my best to not have to turn him down & then broke the mood needing to pee ... and coming back to curl up with a pillow. Eventually he rolled back over to his side & I was able to fall asleep.

I knew I should have told him I'm on pelvic rest *picture my eyes rolling all over in my head*

She's so helpful

I spent most of the weekend propped up in the recliner with a cold rag on my forehead praying for the world to stop spinning. I was trying to eat saltines and keep my Propel down which proved hard to do with a puppy dog toddler standing in front of me during every. single. bite.

Hubs: HEY! You kept down a whole sleeve of crackers!

Me: Not so much. Watch.

Sure enough I pulled a cracker out & the Princess' spidey senses could smell the salt from across the room. She came trotting over right as I took a bite. Knowing the drill I handed her the rest of the cracker & she wandered off to play.

Me: She's doing her part to make sure Mommy doesn't gain any weight in this pregnancy.

Hubs: She did the same thing for you last time too!

Hahahaha

It's all fun & games until Mommy starts puking.

This next kid better come out of the womb knowing how to hold onto some food or his sister will starve him out. (Or her, whichever)

Live to eat, eat to hurl, and start again tomorrow

more cat pictures

I post this in love for my WW girls ~ I'll be joining you as soon as this sweet little bundle of morning sickness vacates my womb. 6 weeks along & I'm already watching my ass balloon out like the Micheline blimp over the Superbowl (do they still have that blimp btw?) I've only gained 2 pounds so far but none of my work pants fit anymore. They are fine to zip up & walk around my house in, sitting in the car is a different story. I know I have a "muffin top", but still! (HORRIBLE name for that, it ruins the loveliness that is the top of a crunchy gooey muffin ... yuuuum) Anyway. Where was I? Oh yeah. My spreading pregnant ass. Joy joy. I can already barely zip my pants & by the end of the day I look like I'm about 4 months along. This cannot be happening this early!! I have summer clothes to fit into people!

I only gained 9 pounds with the Princess. This was preceded by the loss of over 30 pounds due to 39 weeks of horrendous & life altering morning sickness. I'm almost afraid I will get hit by that again ~ and them I'm scared that I won't & I'll wind up topping the scales at 300 pounds before this pregnancy is over. Then I'll get stuck on the delivery table & no one will be able to help me up because I'll be a fat bloated pig of a mommy with a deflated belly, sagging boobs and overactive hormones which cause me to eat us out of house and home and then I'll wind up on that Discovery show "Brookhaven" or whatever that home is for the really really fat people who can't loose the weight & celebrate loosing 100 pounds even though you can't tell because they have like 600 more to loose. *INHALE*

Yeah. The hormones have run rampant & I'm back to worrying that I'll be the fatest woman the delivery floor has ever seen. But I have 9 months until I get there, so why worry about that today, right?

Until then I'll be reveling in the glory that is mint chocolate chip ice cream, tollhouse cookies and huge cold glasses of milk.

WHAT?! Don't show me that finger! I'll be puking it all back up in 20 minutes anyway. I may as well taste something good in at least one direction!

For all the Daughters-in-law

Saw this, thought of all the daughters-in-law in the building!

Pass the Febreeze

Oh. Please. God.

This gas is going to kill me. And I don't mean the kind that goes in the car.

Hubs swears that I had this when I was preg with the Princess ~ but I don't remember this! I know toward the end it was every man for himself (don't you just feel for the people who will be Christmas shopping with me this year?!) But in the beginning ... not so much. Apparently this is the worst time in my life for burping & fumigating small countries.

The joys of pregnancy. This is one of those lovely side effects that no one warns you about.

I don't know how people miss it though.

Oof. I must be gestating a boy ~ girls are just not this mean to their mothers.

Where the hell'd I put that Febreeze?? Please tell me I'm not the only pregnant woman that could shame a restaurant full of truck drivers!!

Why is a wedding an excuse to be rude?

At any other time in a woman's life we are supposed to be kind, accomodating, helpful & sweet. But slap a fat diamond on a girl's finger & pick out a certain date ~ and she has a Carte Blanche freedom to be rude or generally bitchy until midnight on that date.

I don't get it.

Yes it's a big day. Yes it should be a momentous occasion ~ but that's still no reason to forget common decency & kindness. I mean come! on! Just because the florist brought red roses instead of blood roses for my bouquet ~ I didn't yell at him. I rolled my eyes & then remembered that "I'm getting married! SQUEEEEEEE! That's all that matters."

It seems like more & more brides are taking offense to children of "any" age at their wedding. The general concencous seems to be that either A) they will be noisey, make messes & fuck up my day or B) they will take the attention off of me and fuck up my day.

Oh. My. God.

I just want to take these girls aside & ask them: Are you planning on having children? Have you ever heard of Karma?

Do like the rest of us did & get the Sitters for the church ~ if you don't want kids at the reception then get Sitters for that too. Cheap & easy. Order the little punks a set of pizzas, set up a few videos & let them scream to their hearts content while their parents hug & fawn all over you in the ballroom. No hurt feelings, no missing friends, no one left out just because they procreated prior to your wedding.

Yes my brother & his bride have asked for "No children under the age of 10" ... I didn't know you could make an age cut off there. They've made an exception for my kiddo but my family & I have made arraingements to have 2 sitters to watch her during the rehearsal & the big day. Personally, that was the least I could do for myself, it just so happens to help the couple out as well.

What annoys me off are people who think it's just so stinkin easy to leave a newborn at the house with a sitter. Um. No. Newborns are the exception to "children" rules. They require their mother & not all of them are just happy to be left with Granny or a sitter. This trend seems to be cropping up in more chat rooms, with more bridal discussions, with more people who's babies are refused entry to the ceremony.

If a kid is small enough to fit discreetly into a carrier & can be *basically* counted on to sleep through the event ~ why reject them? They need their moms, you want your friend at the wedding ~ is it that much of a sacrifice to make to have an infant exception?

Weddings are about the creation of a new family ~ new families = kids. So why are people kicking kids out? I had a 1:3 kid to adult ratio at my wedding ~ none of them stole my thunder & none of them made messes or screwed up my day. But again, we had sitters & prepared for their presence. We did this because our friends & families have kids & we didn't want to leave any of them out of our big day.

**I totally get not wanting toddlers in the room ~ anyone with toddlers can grasp that one I think!

A question for the SAHM crowd

Don't get me wrong ~ I get that being a stay at home parent is rough & that toddlers are no picnic on their best day. I really do get that (That's why I'm here at work in my quiet office! LOL)

But SERIOUSLY!?!?!? Don't most SAHP's handle the housework?

I have yet to have a SAHM friend who leaves the entire day's worth of dishes in the sink! Dude, working dishwasher - not even 3 feet away. That's all I'm sayin!

I adore Dh. He's making a huge sacrifice for our family & I appreciate that ~ but in all honesty ~ he wanted to come home & start this company. It was his idea to keep the kiddo at home & he adjusted so that he could just work a few hours in the evenings after her bedtime. That's all well & fine & I'm happy for you ~

But Oh! Dear! Heavens! Don't expect me to come home & clean up your messes every night!! I understand dividing the heavy cleaning (windows/bathrooms/floors/etc) I'm great with that, I like to split that stuff no one feels jipped. But coming home & cooking our dinner & cleaning up the kitchen after what you guys did all day?! ARGH. NO!! Bad Hubby!!

Quit whining that "You went to bed and left me with all the cleaning" DUDE!!! I made dinner & cleaned up the kitchen afterward! No, I didn't make her sippy cups for today & no I didn't clean up her toys ~ but that's your job!!!

I'm sorry ~ but I'm T-I-R-E-D by the end of the day. I'm just tired of cleaning up messes that are directly related to the two of them being home alone all day. That's all I'm saying.

Am I just being exhausted & mean ~ or is this a valid whine?

Bloggers make me think

Have you heard of Moosh? The precocious toddler who's Momma is a law widow & names her zits?

Very funny girl.

Anyway.

She had a post a few weeks ago that got me to thinking ... What if the second kid is a dud?

Ok - in all honesty - her post was nothing about the next kid being a dud, it was about her worry that her daughter watching her obsess over her own looks will cause said child to obsess & thus complete the cycle. She made the comment about how she adores her daughter's looks & would never change a thing about her ... but you now see how my brain wanders down roads & takes the one less traveled.

I would never change a thing about the Princess. She may one day curse me for the genes of fat thighs (sorry baby girl, Momma doesn't know how to toss those out for skinny ones!) but overall ~ I have a pretty cute kid. I wouldn't change her blue eyes, dimples, huge smile or blonde curly hair for the world. All of those are things that she will hate come first grade, but such is life.

I was at my best friend's house for her birthday last night & had the Princess in tow. Everyone loves my kid, it helps that she doesn't pitch those fits in public though! She pulls that sweet & nice card when people are around. Little smartie pants.

The grandmothers and great grandmother in the family accept me as one of their own & my child as theirs too. Watching them love on her & play with her curls, stealing kisses and sneaking ice cream cake ~ I started to get excited that Baby#NOW will be able to be part of this next year too.

And then I wondered if this baby will be in the shadow of her sister's bright spotlight. (That would only happen to a little sister right?)

I wondered if the new baby would get the same genes that seemed to pool on the Princess, or if it will get all the other ones. Those would be the genes from my side. Of which Princess has about 3. Maybe.

Will this kid be as genetically blessed as it's sister? I know I'll think the kid is cute (I'm Mom, that's my job!) but let's face it ~ the world has some unfortunately unblessed people in it & I really don't want that to be the fate of my kids. And I really don't want to have:

"Oh Princess is so cute! Look at those curls! Those dimples! OH!! *crickets chirping* And who's child is this?"

I'd hate to have to whoop some grandma's ass over making my second baby feel bad. I'd do it in a heartbeat, but I'd hate to see granny in the hospital afterward.

Yeah yeah yeah beauty comes from within & God made us all beautiful in our own way & that's all that matters yada yada yada. You tell that to a fourth grader who's heart is broken because her sister got all the valentines & the boys pick on her for being ugly. Or explain to a 10th grader why her sister gets all the dates and she sits at home on Friday nights. I don't want my second baby to feel any less wonderful or accepted or beautiful than the Princess.

Am I the only mom who has these thoughts or do I just need to start spending more time in therapy again?


In my defense ~ this is the Princess: