Selective Informing: Exhibit A

I emailed my mom about hotel ideas for my brother's wedding in Michigan this summer & get a reply that she'll check on the areas I mentioned because she's afraid that some will be too "inner city". I have no idea what she thinks of as inner city, but whatever.


Then amid the note is this gem:

"I didn't mention the surgery (removed ovaries and tubes due to a tumor)because it wasn't a real big deal.I feel better.No cancer!But general anesthesia is a bummer at 55."


What the?!?!?


This is how you tell your daughter that you had another cancer scare? Let's just forget the fact that Daddy has Stage4 Lymphoma, and not even think about the fact that she had breast cancer while I was in high school ~ but she had a tumor that could have been ovarian cancer and she never bothered to let me know.


But I'm willing to bet my next paycheck that all her friends knew so that they could pray for her. Apparently my prayers go to God's voice mail & are ineffective compared to her friends'.


She does this "Selective Informing" crap and it's seriously on my very last nerve. She did this with her first cancer, she did this with my father's cancer, she did this with my brother's heart condition, she did this with my cousin's drug addiction & subsequent expulsion from the family. She does this with everything - if she doesn't think it's important for me to know, or doesn't think it needs to concern me ~ she just doesn't tell me. And she will go on not telling me until the shit hits the fan and I get a message on my voice mail from her: "Hi honey it's Mom. I just wanted to let you know that you need to pray for your grandmother because we aren't sure she's going to make it; we think her jerky husband beat her up and she's in ICU at the hospital; by the way your grandmother married a convicted pedophile, we'll talk about it later." By this point I know nothing of the swelling drama & she wonders why I'm so overly upset by the information.



Yeah my 82year old altizhimer's grandmother really did marry a pedophile. Who's 6 years younger than my mom. We'll talk about that one later! I need a bottle of wine for that one!



How am I supposed to handle this?



A."Yeah Mom, no cancer." And let it drop



B. Yell at her for not telling me so that I could be there for her (emotionally at least).



C. Just let it drop & keep going.



D. None of the above, here's what I would do ....



I'm telling you ~ crap like this is really making me debate spending $1,000 (that I don't have)
on going to my brother's wedding. If I'm not part of the family for the bad crap then I shouldn't spend the money on the happy stuff. Yeah I know that's probably not a healthy attitude .... I'm just tired of reaching for a relationship that will never be there. I'm never going to have the dream mother/daughter relationship with her & I need to be able to let that go.

I wonder if letting go of the dream would make it easier to accept what I have ~ or if it would just be one step closer to throwing in the towel and walking away.

Like I needed to give the neighbors another thing to talk about behind my back

At Hubs' request I dropped the winter shaving/grooming ritual and went back to my normal appearance ~ I don't like to shave anything I don't absolutely have to during the winter. I figure I spend 8 months out of the year in shorts or a bathing suit. Personally - that's enough torture for the bikini line & the whole entire leg. The other 4 months of the year, they get a break. The calves however must stay shaved clean. I don't know why, it just bugs me.

I forgot how nice it was to let the grooming slack the last few months until that crap started itching like friggin fire. It was quiet and I was alone and fell for the temptation to scratch. At which point I turned and realized that my den window blinds are still halfway up ... at 10pm ... with every light blazing.

Lovely. Now the neighbors think I have crabs or something.

That should be fun at the next play date.

See ~ no good deed goes unpunished!!

Is it bad that I love this blog best?

I have two blogs & ... I think I love this blog best. Is that bad? Is it like a mom favoring one kid over the other? Should I just shut up about it already?



I just feel like I can be more honest & open around here than I can at home (aka the First blog) That's the one I have to behave on & where people who actually know my face come to find out about what my family is up to. I talk about the husband & the kid & the job & all sorts of things for which they will call & talk to me about later.



Around here ~ I can tell you what I really think of my idiotic in-laws and how much my mother really burns my ass.



And I can cuss here too. I really have to work not to do that at First Blog ... you know, cause my mom will stumble into there eventually. You know I will screw up and tell her eventually. Or my new-soon-to-be-SIL will because it's another way to bond with my mother. (I'll have to tell you all about that one later).

Is it wrong that I love this blog better? I just feel closer to this blog-child, less stifled ~ free to be me.

I love my secret diary blog.

To whom it may concern:

Person 1:

When you call and ask what I'm doing & I tell you I'm trying to sleep because I feel horrid - PLEASE take that as a hint that I am not in a mood to have a 20 minute conversation with you. Either get off the phone or don't get pissy when I hang up on you next time. And no, I haven't finished getting your taxes together yet, since I only started them yesterday. Which I told you yesterday that I was working on them & since you had not organized one. single. thing. from last year ~ I told you it would take H O U R S. And it has. I'm still not completely done.

It will go much faster next time if you don't throw all your junk mail in the box with every single receipt, bill, and bank statement you've gotten in 12 months. I'm just sayin'.

Person 2:

I go out of my way not to spend extended lengths of time with you because you are never kind to me, my husband or our child. BUT. We bought the tickets to the Disney/Little Einstein concert because my daughter adores that show - you told me it was stupid to take her since she was so little (I never asked your opinion). When we couldn't make it to the show you were offered our 3 tickets plus the set we purchased for the grandparents to go with us (why be petty & let $150 in tickets go to waste - I overnighted them to you). You never once said "Thank you", you never once called to tell us how it was, it never once occured to send my child a toy from the show - nothing to show your appreciation for passing on something that we were unable to use - but GREATLY wanted. Well that will never happen again. You gave my child an obviously re-gifted Christmas present (1 month late with a note to your youngest child slipped in the box), you have never once said that your kids even like the presents I've picked out for them over the last 7 years, you never returned the newborn clothes I sent for you to borrow & never thanked me for them. I'm done with you. We'll send your children "family" Christmas presents - but I'm done with you & your inconsideration for my family. You can treat my husband & I like crap ~ but you won't do that to my daughter.


WHEW ~ I feel better now. I may not be able to actually "say" all those things in real life ~ but saying them here at least gets them out of my head!

Remembering to bite my tongue

I took the Princess next door for a 4 hour play date with several friends ~ 4 moms & 9 kids all watching 3 husbands put together a new swingset for the "play house" family. You know, that one family who's house every kid seems to want to play at, all day, every day.

Every. Single. Day.

I love Trace, but she seems to run the neighborhood daycare center. Every time her blinds are open all the neighborhood kids seem to migrate there and then stay until she finally kicks them out so that she can, you know - DO stuff, like take of her own family.

As much as I want the Princess to have friends & play well with others ~ there may be upsides to having a shy child who wants to stay home & play quietly!

When we came in I noticed that Hubs had started the laundry ... and placed the piles of dirty clothes on my side of the bed ~ on my pillow. Lovely. I know he didn't do it on purpose, but still - EW. And he didn't divide the loads the way I like them ...

I turned around, left the room & walked away. Why bitch over the details when he's doing it without me begging him to? I'll save my voice for another day.

Proving my mother wrong, one class at a time

My relationship with my mom is .... strained. Some of it is my fault (crap I pulled as a teenager, my pride at not just forgiving her & getting on with life) and some of it is her fault (constantly bringing up crap I pulled as a teenager, her inability to let. shit. go and constantly treating me like I'm 12).

When I told her that I was going back to school she was happy, if a little less than enthusiastic. She's a teacher & she and Daddy both have their masters (she actually has two & he was working on his second before he was diagnosed with Stage4 cancer last year) so they understand the need for a college education, how hard it is, yada yada yada. As soon as I broke my news, she launched into her speach about how hard Bubba (little brother) worked for his education, how he's working on his Master's while he works at the college & is getting ready to get married, how great his GPA was when he graduated last year (later he spilled the truth - he got out with a 2.6gpa - Mom made it out to be a 4.0)

Then I hear: "Well I just hope you can keep up with everything and having a baby."

Since last June I have never ONCE been asked how my classes are going, how I'm holding up with work/kiddo/school, nothing. In the family Christmas bragging letter she mentioned my brother's graduation/masters program/wedding ~ and "our daughter is married with a beautiful daughter now"

Um, I've been married for 3 years & had the daughter the year before. Alrighty then. My question was "Is this the first time that she's told the family & friends that I'm married or having a baby?"

All that aside ~

I got my grades in today & I have ALL A's BABY!!!! WOOT! WOOT! 8 classes ~ all A's. I rock the laptop baby.

My Mom can kiss my happy butt today. I know she thinks I am still too lazy for school (I was lazy in high school & didn't apply myself & only got a 3.75 - in her eyes I should have had a 4.0 - that was lazy to her. Go figure) I know she thinks that online school is a scam & easier than normal college. I know that she will never be as proud of my 3.86gpa as she is of my brother's 2.6 ... and that stings, but I'm used to it.

But today ~ she can kiss my butt ~ I have all A's!!!!

(I am trying to figure out how I STILL managed to score the "Freshman 15" again & I'm not living in the dorms this time .... bleck!)

Parenting trade offs

I was neck deep in finals this weekend when I looked at the clock & realized we had twenty minutes to get to the photographers for her (apparently) annual bunny rabbit pictures.

Since we were all still in our pajamas (at one p.m.) this meant I had to get clothes on 3 people, the Princess' hair up in a bow, her dresses grabbed, her bag ready, all of us out the door & on the road for the 15 minute drive.

Suddenly Hubs decides "Nope, I don't wanna go" as I'm running around like a chicken without head or feathers.

Thankfully he caught the look I shot him & took over getting the kid ready while I threw on my own clothes & got her paraphernalia* ready.

I tried to argue my way into getting him in the car ~
"Rabbits AND a small child - we'll need all the help we can get"
"My back is hurting already, there's no way I can handle her through the dress changes & all the chasing"
"She smiles better for you"
"But you're going to miss seeing her with LIVE baby bunny rabbits"
"JUST GET IN THE CAR!"
"Be a pal & help a girl out!? PLEASE!?"

In the end ~ we went without him. And she didn't get a single outfit change & her hair fell out of her bow. Neither of those facts would have changed had he been there ~ but he could have fallen out laughing with me over her crawling after the bunnies as they hopped away in fear of the toddler, stabbing the bunnies with a carrot, and freaking out over the bunny that tried to eat her hair. She did not appreciate that one!

I'm starting to think he has a physical aversion to being present for her pictures. Out of all the times I've had her photos done (OhGoodLord have I had this kid's pics done!) he's only been along for one setting in which he was not personally involved. And I wanted his pictures done with her that time ~ and she refused to smile at him.

The ONE AND ONLY time in her life that she hasn't smiled at her father.

Go freakin figure.

His defense is that he takes her for her shots & I take her for her photo shoots. Both are viewed as torture sessions to a toddler, and she gets lollipops at the end of each ... so close & yet such very different ideas. I think I'm on the better end of this trade for once!



* "paraphernalia" doesn't look like it's spelled right to me ~ but Blogger assures me that's it. I don't quite believe it though.

Why FIL worries me

I try to get along with my FIL ~ until he pulls crap like telling me he'll take custody & I'll get visitation of my daughter.

Hubs' father worries me for several reasons.

1. He has money. And I don't mean just more money than us ~ I mean the $,$$$,$$$ kind of money. The kind of money that makes an ass of a human being popular and beloved. The kind of money that makes a daughter who hates her father (and has said so to his face several times) turn around afterward and beg for forgiveness so that she's not cut out of the will.

2. When ESIL & EBIL have problems (every few years they threaten divorce) he offers to move her & the kids away to where EBIL can't find them - because they are "his" grandkids & he'll be damned if they are raised around EBIL's parents. ( Who are perfectly normal & lovely people) He's hired PI's on several occasions to nose out information on EBIL - just in case ESIL wants a reason to leave. They never found anything, and FIL thinks they were crappy investigators because "there had to be something going on."

3. He thinks there had to be something going on because he cheated right, left, and sideways on his wife of 28 years. He still doesn't think he did anything wrong.

4. He has anger management issues - he and the EvilStepMonster have had each other arrested ... 3? times now for domestic abuse/violence. They drop the charges the next day when they calm down.

5. He can't stand my parents (for no reason he's stated, just doesn't like them) and had a shit-fit the one time Hubs & I mentioned moving closer to them .... my dad only has Stage4 Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma & is going through treatments & surgery. I have his only grandchild. There's no reason we should live closer to them then the 12 hour drive we have currently.

6. He bad mouths Hubs on a regular basis & then doesn't understand why they have a strained relationship.

7. He thinks he wants to be a pastor (I almost choked on my bubble gum when he told Hubs that one)

8. He beat his wife & kids for years. Y E A R S. Beat. Children.

9. He has never treated women with true respect - he placates them and keeps the attitude that as "the man" he knows best.

10. He doesn't respect me or Hubs.

I have no doubt that if something was ever to happen to Hubs he would spend BIG money to keep me from being able to leave this state & take Princess away. Hubs already knows if he was to die that I would move farther north, I am only staying here for him. What he doesn't know is that if there was a divorce I would do the same thing. In this state a judge will not stop the custodial parent from moving out of state if they can show that they are doing it to provide a better life for the child (better job, better housing, or better education). But FIL would tie me up in court for MONTHS to keep that from happening & I don't have the money to fight him ... and I know that FIL would think nothing of calling DCFS & making my life a living hell. There would be nothing for them to find ~ but I know from watching friends that they don't stop at just one visit -- and when you involve them with a custody battle the judge will plop the kids with the grandparents until it can all be sorted out (we had this happen to our good friends a few years ago).

I just don't trust FIL as far as I can throw him ...

**************

Hubs & I discussed the family crap today ~ he actually said he would be perfectly happy not to see them again any time soon. He likes the idea of seeing them like we do my family ~ twice a year for a few days at a time & 4 months notice to prepare. I offered to call real estate agents outside of an 8 hour driving radius. He didn't say no!! I think we may be on a good step to getting us OUT OF THIS STATE!

I need your objective opinions on this one.

Lets say you were on a phone call with your father-in-law & he's complaining about not seeing his grandchild enough (because the evil DIL keeps him away from the kid?! Who knows.) This is his chosen rant for the week so just let him go until he tires himself out & it'll all be over soon.

Then lets say during that slightly heated conversation he makes the remark: "Well maybe we just need to take her and you can have visitation."

Would you:

A) LOOSE. YOUR. MIND.

B) Fall on the floor crying.

C) See it as a joke. (Cause when your husband jumps in to take over for you, FIL tells him that you are overly sensitive & it was just a joke.)

*******************************

For the record ~ I pulled A & B. Well I hung up the phone (by way of throwing it into the wall) and then hit my knees in a panic attack/crying. And then I lost my ever loving MIND. He was on the phone with his mother and I was yelling about knowing people in Canada & "I'll take her across the border faster than they can find the interstate." and something to the effect of if his dad felt froggy he better bring it on 'cause I would kick his ass into the grave before he took my child from me.

Hubs proceeded to beg his parents to never screw with me about custody. He saw me eyeing the closet with the luggage. He knew I was already halfway through plotting & on to figuring out how to fit all her stuff & mine into my small car.

Maybe it set me off because it felt like a vision of the future. If something ever was to happen to my marriage ~ I have no doubt that FIL would spend $$$$ to keep me from getting full custody.

Was I wrong? Does that line sound like a joke to any other moms?

My Mother in Law strikes again

I'm telling you, if this woman lets a week go by without pissing my husband off it's a freakin miracle. She came through town for less than 10 minutes this weekend & managed to rile my house up for the next 4 hours & Hubs has been having nightmares for the last 2 nights.

Thankyouverymuchbigmouthedmotherinlaw. Heifer.

WHY WHY WHY did she feel the need to take it upon herself & tell Hubs that "It pisses me off that you can't keep this house clean!" Seriously - that's my thing to bitch about & no one gets to yell at him about that but ME. Ok? I'm the one who lives there, I'm the one who asks "Honey can you please clean the floors this week?", so I'M the one who gets to yell at him for not doing them. Just an FYI. I'M the Mom in this house - not you.

If you "know" that your son is depressed please do me a favor & shut the fuck up & leave him alone. Quit rubbing salt in his wounds & making him feel worse ~ honestly, it just makes my job harder. He feels like dirt for not being able to find a job, he feels like a failure as a man for not being able to provide for his family, he's struggling with fulfilling the "Mom" role around here & I'm just trying to help him keep his head above water. He does not need you to tell him that "You at least have to work SOMEWHERE. This is ridiculous." You don't say that crap to your SAHM-of a daughter, and you never worked throughout a 28 year marriage (and you had a maid to help you with the kids & the house)!! Don't tell my husband that he needs to get a job to be a man ~ you defend your daughter every time someone says that she doesn't work. You are speedy-on-the-damn-draw to point out how much work it is to stay at home with kids ~ don't you dare pull a double standard on my house.


And for the love of all that is holy ~ PICK A FREAKING SIDE ALREADY!!!


Don't yell at him & call him a slacker & tell him he needs a job to be a real man ~ and then when I mention that I am taking the Princess for a playdate one afternoon "to give them a few hours away from each other" --- don't pipe up with "Well he needs more than a few hours off."

WTF?!? He's a slacker who needs a vacation? HUH?!

Woman you can't play both sides of the field ~ pick a team & play your heart out for them. Ok??

Or better yet ~ shut up & get out of my house!!!!!

To learn or to sit on my ass & eat brownies. A debate for the day.

I have ONE WEEK until this set of classes is over and I'm seriously debating the joys of not starting 2 new ones the next day. I know if I just start them I'll keep going & just suffer through them ~ but I am so stinking tired of scheduling my life around school. I'm so tired of not being able to relax without thinking "X is due on Xday, I should really get a jump start or I'll be up until 2 am working on it."

By the way I have a 5 page paper due tonight by midnight which I have yet to touch, and yet here I am. Bitching about school. Again.

Yippee.

I really am looking forward to having my degree ... in 29,175 more weeks. Or just 2.5 years. Whatever. But it strikes me that I am spending GOOD GOOGLY money on this crap. Seriously - $7GRAND a year. $800 per class. **CHOKE** This is why I'm so anal about getting all A's. If I'm paying for a used car every year then I'd damn well better get smarter!

Yep, that sentence was written by a college student. *BURP* Gotta love the American school system.

I'm honestly wondering if I will be able to find a job paying enough money that would support the decision to spend this much money. Given the state of the country's economy, I have to wonder if I'm making the best decision ... I guess I just have to hope and pray that these student loans don't drown me & negate the entire financial reason I started the project.

And I'm a little jealous that 2 of my friends are going to nursing school ~ their prep classes (until nursing classes start) are only 2 days a week, they are paying less than $2,000 a year & can sign up with hospitals to pay for their education. They will walk out of this guaranteed jobs, with no loans & making $60,000 plus a year.

And I'm going into business administration.

Damn I wish I could handle blood

Congestion and Mucus and Sneezing OH MY

I had 3 ideas for blogs in my head & I must have misfiled them ... they are lost in the moosh that is my brain on no sleep.

Between storms & sirens keeping me awake, worries about money waking me up, and that stupid alarm for my work day ~ I am just work out. Worn out.

Dang it my brain spazzed on me there for a second.

Things around the house are getting a little easier ... or not. Who knows, I refuse to pay attention anymore. If the house is dirty - it's his job to deal with, not mine. He's home, not me. It's not my responsibility to deal with anymore.

I'm sucking down the cough syrup with codiene right now ~ I keep catching everything lately. I don't know what's wrong with my system - I got 2 (light) doses of the flu this year, a sinus infection that refused to go away until the 3rd round of antibiotics & now bronchitis. My chest feels like it's on fire & every time I try to breathe it makes me cough.

If anyone knows of a way I can just stop breathing for a few days ~ without dying ~ I'd appreciate the assistance.

Things that make me go YUUUUUUM

And I don't mean the Triple Chocolate Fudge Lava Cupcakes (the rare thing that I am REALLY good at baking!)

It was a great weekend on the movie channels ~ Can I tell you how much I love my Tivo & DishNetwork?!

Tom Cruise in Top Gun

Cary Elwes in The Princess Bride

and a double dose of Patrick Swayze ~ Ghost & Dirty Dancing!

YUMMY yum yum!!

Oh dear heavens the late 80's had some wonderful movies *sigh* I'm sorry, but I have yet to see any movies lately that match their level. The "Pirates of the Caribbean" franchise was great - Don't get me wrong, love love LOVE me sum Johnny Dep (Edward Scissorhands would have topped off my "Movies I Love" weekend!)

But 80's movies had it all ~ and hot guys to boot!!