I may need a few Zoloft ... the building has a pharmacy right?
I don't think I was ready for all the reality I spilled earlier. (scroll down, I'll wait.) Done now? Ok.
Yeah ~ all that spilling of the guts, emptying of the psyche ... I wasn't prepared for all that. It just kind of exploded & then I couldn't figure out how to stop.
I've made a very good effort to conceal the truth from even myself. Is it the utmost of sad when you lie to yourself about the shittiness of your own life?
Please understand that I KNOW my life could be so much worse & I know that there are other girls in the building who's lives are incredably harder & more tragic & I would never take that lightly ... but this is really just a shitty point for my own personal little 1/4 acre of personal space on this planet.
The sad thing is that I think I was hoping that last post would be cathartic ~ and while it was, I actually wound up feeling worse because I just put very negative views of my husband on the internet for the entire world to find. (I'm not that selfcentered, I know they won't - it's the idea that they could that's freakin me out here girls, work with me!) I would be absolutely crushed to think that Hubs was telling perfect strangers all the things I do that bug the snot out of him ~ and I just did that to him. But apparently I needed to be honest with someone about all of it, may as well be people who wouldn't know him if he kissed you in Target!
And I'm hating that I even feel like I need to vent all this, that it's even in my head to be vented about.
I want to be that happy bride again - the one who had nothing but faith & hope & love & trust as she walked down the aisle. Hubs has never broken a promise to me & he swears that he will make this company work ... I have to back him on this don't I? This is where the whole vows part of the ceremony comes into play right? This is just a bad patch ... it's just money. We have the rest of our lives to make money.
Right?
Where the hell is that bottle of Zoloft at?
& No, I'm not taking the post down or deleting any of it. The entire point of this apartment is so that I have one place on this planet where I am honest about what I'm feeling - right or wrong, that post is how I'm feeling today at that moment. While that could all change tomorrow ~ it was still real & honest & I'm leaving it up.
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5 comments:
We have a pharmacy, a "pharmacy" (WINK WINK), a bar, and a hair salon where there's a Dolly-Parton-type hairdresser calling you "honey."
I know what you mean - once you publish something and it's 'out there' (wherever 'there' happens to be) it's scary. Like you can't pretend it isn't real anymore.
Denial is a very powerful thing.
Oh boy, can I feel your pain. Especially the part about the money. I make enough to make ends meet, but trying to save any of it? PFFT. I am doing better than a lot of single moms are, but considering I have 50K in student debt, I DO NOT MAKE ENOUGH.
*sigh* - you may have just inspired my next post, I just don't have the energy for it tonight.
(shrug) I didn't think you were too harsh on him in the last post. It is all vital concerns and they are really a struggle. I think my marriage is made of rock, but that situation would cause me to doubt it and wonder at its cleavage points, too.
So, I just think you are normal for feeling the way you do.
I also think that your Honey is pretty normal as well. Maybe he just doesn't know how you feel? I am a pretty concrete thinker so I would be 'supporting' his business idea with a bunch of: "Do you have a business plan? Have you typed it up? Can I see what your 5 year goals are? What is your first priority? When are you going to accomplish that? I want a date and time. Have you started advertizing? What is Plan B if this doesn't work out? What will the precipitating events be that will let us know we need to abandon this business?" Holding him accountable, essentially. But that is me. And I am pushy and mean. Sometimes.
Good for you. You give me courage!
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