Hubs only works 20 hours a week (over a 7 day period) and yet he does next to nothing around the house (Did I mention that he's trying to start his own "business" FROM HOME - and for 2 weeks pay he makes less than I do in 3 days time ... lovely.) When he first came home IN AUGUST he was great about keeping the house straight, laundry done, dishes dealt with etc. Basically he was kissing my ass. And I appreciated the effort. Now, he no longer cares & I don't have the time, energy or drive to pick up after 3 people, two of whom seem to have no clue how damned messy they are.
We are brokebrokefuckedybroke and in the last 4 months I have tapped every resource we have, every hidden dime, every farknarkin penny & there is nothing left. And the bills are piling up ~ and by piling up I mean LITERALLY piling up - there is a grocery store bag of bills at my feet right now & they are all due within the next 2 weeks. Or past due already. Joy of joys.
Even with his mother paying our house note (can I crawl under the couch from shame now?) we are still $400 a month short of our budget. And not the "Oh we need to put money in the Christmas fund" budget ~ the REAL budget - the "Do we really need 2ply toilet paper when the other kind is $0.75 cheaper?" budget. The budget where we don't have $0.0002 left for anything to go wrong & there are still $400 worth of bills rolling over into the next month. Lovely.
My mother is sending cryptic emails again (instead of calling me like a sane person would) and telling me that "If you can't afford to come to your brother's wedding you don't have to" What pisses me off is that I haven't told her dick about the brokedness. But she pulled this same crap before my brother's college graduation last year & then told me 2 months beforehand "Just don't worry about coming honey, it's going to be too hard on me with everything else to deal with." Huh? WTF?! But I was told not to show & what Mother says is law ~ so I didn't go ... and then caught hell from my brother because I wasn't there. Go talk to your mother you spoiled ass perfect child.
I am taking out an un-godly amount of student loans so that I can get my college degree & then Perfect Child leaves school with nary a dime of debt ... because my parents were willing to foot his bill because "He was serious about his education" His ass got a 2.7gpa with NO responsibilities other than going to damn class ~ I'm carrying a full load, a toddler, a full time job & no financial help from Hubs - and keeping a 3.83gpa. I'M serious about my education ~ drag out the checkbook woman!
I'm fat. There, that one was simple & easy to bitch about. I'm fat & damned unhappy about it at this point. Depressed to be honest with you ~ and unfortunately depression seems to be causing me to eat ... which I can't afford to do! (insert manic laughter & crazy eyed expression here)
I've never wanted to be anorexic more than I do right this moment.
And the biggest deepest darkest secret that I can't bring myself to admit to even my best friend ~ I lie to people & tell them that I'm pushing to get my degree in 3 years because I want to be done early enough to have a 2nd baby ... possibly a 3rd before I'm 35. The real reason is that while I do want a 2nd baby (and the possible 3rd) I need to have my degree so that if Hubs ever decides he wants out of our marriage I'll have that to fall back on & I won't have to freak out & live completely broke like several of my single parent friends. If there's ever a divorce I want to keep my kids & still live better than he does. I want to never have to worry about whether he'll pay his child support on time because I won't need it. That's my goal - to no longer worry about his money because I won't need it. Because today, I'm not sure how long my marriage will last. I may feel differently tomorrow ~ but today I'm scared.
I love my husband, and I can't see myself ever filing for divorce & I will beg for counseling before that happens ~ but this money stuff is slowly killing me. It's killing me & he's not fixing it. I'm so tired of worrying all the time, I'm tired of wondering how we are going to pay the bills & hating to hear the phone ring because it's another person wanting their money ... He's an incredable father & our daughter adores him - and I would never want to take them away from each other ...
It's the blogger version of Post Secret.
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5 comments:
I'm in most of your hell with you. Only my husband spent the better part of six months completely UNEMPLOYED...then complained about my part time job. Yeah, men suck. We have bills coming out our eyeballs too. I'm just barely managing to pay them. We're one disaster away from bankruptcy at this point.
KUDOS to you for having such an awesome GPA and dealing with everything else. That is HARD to do.
Hang in there - my fingers are crossed for you!
That is so much to deal with and although I am sure you wish it was different, I want to congratulate you on being strong enough to have a 'contingency plan' in case of the worst case scenario.
Girls gotta look out for themselves, sometimes. Ain't no shame in being prepared.
Just as an idea, maybe you could tell your Honey that you think the bills should be a joint effort and you should sit down together to pay them every month. Maybe this will force a little reality into his world? It seems like all the women (you and his mom) in his life are taking care of him and he needs a bit of a reality check.
Ugh. That sucks. I am so sorry you have to deal with the financial burdens, but it is great to see yo have a plan!
My partner works, but he is a real asshole at times.
Men.
That is tough. I can't imagine going through all those things. But I know that "talking" (blogging) about them and knowing you have people who are listening will help.
Take things one step at a time. Keep on rocking towards graduation with an awesome GPA. Keep on lying to those who really dont need to know the truth.
You can't fix it all in one day or one blog post, but I know you can get through this!
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