I needed a drink before this one

Have you ever run into one of those "know it all big mouthed TypeA has to be right all the time about everything and God forbid you cross her" kinda bitches?

I can't stand the one that I know.

This heifer has found my last nerve & stomped all. over. it. I would SOOO love to tell her off ~ but she's disappeared.

Lovely.

1. she's not IRL, she's a "mommy board" girl
2. she lodged IM's to me yelling at me about calling her out on her bitchy actions (which I did in private) ... and then she deleted her account so that I can't respond. I know that she was hoping I would come out on the open boards & scream (and start crap & make her look like a martyr & me a raving loon) but I didn't so personally, I win. HA!!
3. she's been seen around the boards ranting under assumed identities & then deleting them so that (again) no rebuttal is available


I'm sorry but if you are going to bitch about someone then do it under your own name & quit trying to hide your identity just because you don't want anyone to know just how bitchy and evil you really are. Who the fuck are you, Clark Kent? Ok so that entire line is completely negated by the fact that not only did I not say this on the mommy board, or on my known blog ~ but I waited to come to my secret apartment to rave like a lunatic .. where no one would know just how bitchy & evil I really am. I'm no better than the uber bitch at this point.

Crap.

How exactly is winning by being the bigger person supposed to make me feel better? I took the high road & feel no satisfaction ... screw adulthood. This crap is for the birds!

It's Friday girls ~ let the drinking games begin! Vodka & Tequila shooters at my place!!

Did you need proof that I'm loosing my mind?

I may need a few Zoloft ... the building has a pharmacy right?



I don't think I was ready for all the reality I spilled earlier. (scroll down, I'll wait.) Done now? Ok.



Yeah ~ all that spilling of the guts, emptying of the psyche ... I wasn't prepared for all that. It just kind of exploded & then I couldn't figure out how to stop.



I've made a very good effort to conceal the truth from even myself. Is it the utmost of sad when you lie to yourself about the shittiness of your own life?



Please understand that I KNOW my life could be so much worse & I know that there are other girls in the building who's lives are incredably harder & more tragic & I would never take that lightly ... but this is really just a shitty point for my own personal little 1/4 acre of personal space on this planet.



The sad thing is that I think I was hoping that last post would be cathartic ~ and while it was, I actually wound up feeling worse because I just put very negative views of my husband on the internet for the entire world to find. (I'm not that selfcentered, I know they won't - it's the idea that they could that's freakin me out here girls, work with me!) I would be absolutely crushed to think that Hubs was telling perfect strangers all the things I do that bug the snot out of him ~ and I just did that to him. But apparently I needed to be honest with someone about all of it, may as well be people who wouldn't know him if he kissed you in Target!



And I'm hating that I even feel like I need to vent all this, that it's even in my head to be vented about.


I want to be that happy bride again - the one who had nothing but faith & hope & love & trust as she walked down the aisle. Hubs has never broken a promise to me & he swears that he will make this company work ... I have to back him on this don't I? This is where the whole vows part of the ceremony comes into play right? This is just a bad patch ... it's just money. We have the rest of our lives to make money.



Right?



Where the hell is that bottle of Zoloft at?



& No, I'm not taking the post down or deleting any of it. The entire point of this apartment is so that I have one place on this planet where I am honest about what I'm feeling - right or wrong, that post is how I'm feeling today at that moment. While that could all change tomorrow ~ it was still real & honest & I'm leaving it up.

Things that I can't scream about anywhere else

I can't scream over the fact that ...

Hubs only works 20 hours a week (over a 7 day period) and yet he does next to nothing around the house (Did I mention that he's trying to start his own "business" FROM HOME - and for 2 weeks pay he makes less than I do in 3 days time ... lovely.) When he first came home IN AUGUST he was great about keeping the house straight, laundry done, dishes dealt with etc. Basically he was kissing my ass. And I appreciated the effort. Now, he no longer cares & I don't have the time, energy or drive to pick up after 3 people, two of whom seem to have no clue how damned messy they are.

We are brokebrokefuckedybroke and in the last 4 months I have tapped every resource we have, every hidden dime, every farknarkin penny & there is nothing left. And the bills are piling up ~ and by piling up I mean LITERALLY piling up - there is a grocery store bag of bills at my feet right now & they are all due within the next 2 weeks. Or past due already. Joy of joys.

Even with his mother paying our house note (can I crawl under the couch from shame now?) we are still $400 a month short of our budget. And not the "Oh we need to put money in the Christmas fund" budget ~ the REAL budget - the "Do we really need 2ply toilet paper when the other kind is $0.75 cheaper?" budget. The budget where we don't have $0.0002 left for anything to go wrong & there are still $400 worth of bills rolling over into the next month. Lovely.

My mother is sending cryptic emails again (instead of calling me like a sane person would) and telling me that "If you can't afford to come to your brother's wedding you don't have to" What pisses me off is that I haven't told her dick about the brokedness. But she pulled this same crap before my brother's college graduation last year & then told me 2 months beforehand "Just don't worry about coming honey, it's going to be too hard on me with everything else to deal with." Huh? WTF?! But I was told not to show & what Mother says is law ~ so I didn't go ... and then caught hell from my brother because I wasn't there. Go talk to your mother you spoiled ass perfect child.

I am taking out an un-godly amount of student loans so that I can get my college degree & then Perfect Child leaves school with nary a dime of debt ... because my parents were willing to foot his bill because "He was serious about his education" His ass got a 2.7gpa with NO responsibilities other than going to damn class ~ I'm carrying a full load, a toddler, a full time job & no financial help from Hubs - and keeping a 3.83gpa. I'M serious about my education ~ drag out the checkbook woman!

I'm fat. There, that one was simple & easy to bitch about. I'm fat & damned unhappy about it at this point. Depressed to be honest with you ~ and unfortunately depression seems to be causing me to eat ... which I can't afford to do! (insert manic laughter & crazy eyed expression here)

I've never wanted to be anorexic more than I do right this moment.

And the biggest deepest darkest secret that I can't bring myself to admit to even my best friend ~ I lie to people & tell them that I'm pushing to get my degree in 3 years because I want to be done early enough to have a 2nd baby ... possibly a 3rd before I'm 35. The real reason is that while I do want a 2nd baby (and the possible 3rd) I need to have my degree so that if Hubs ever decides he wants out of our marriage I'll have that to fall back on & I won't have to freak out & live completely broke like several of my single parent friends. If there's ever a divorce I want to keep my kids & still live better than he does. I want to never have to worry about whether he'll pay his child support on time because I won't need it. That's my goal - to no longer worry about his money because I won't need it. Because today, I'm not sure how long my marriage will last. I may feel differently tomorrow ~ but today I'm scared.

I love my husband, and I can't see myself ever filing for divorce & I will beg for counseling before that happens ~ but this money stuff is slowly killing me. It's killing me & he's not fixing it. I'm so tired of worrying all the time, I'm tired of wondering how we are going to pay the bills & hating to hear the phone ring because it's another person wanting their money ... He's an incredable father & our daughter adores him - and I would never want to take them away from each other ...

It's the blogger version of Post Secret.

Raiding the liquor cabinet

When my friends & I were younger we used to do the "Stock the Bar" parties whenever one of us moved into a new place ... we seemed to have a lot of those over the years for some reason!

I am stocking the liquor cabinet around this new place & feel the need to throw a party ~ bring a bottle of your favorite stuff & we'll have quesadillas & chips with gaucamole for all! WOOT!

It's been a rough day & it's not even 1pm. Let the drinking games begin ~ Momma needs a double shot of tequila.

Now where'd I put those damn limes ...

Who is using the new building for Constance-only reading?

Are you keeping this area only for Constance related topics? Meaning:

Will you be x-posting from the Home Blog (and possibly revamping the post to say what you really wanted it to?)

Will you only be posting things you wouldn't want IRL people to read?

Will you be pimping the Home Blog around your Apartment Blog?

Will you be pimping the Apartment Blog around your Home Blog?



I have no issues with pimping my Home Blog around here ~ but the Apartment will stay a closely guarded secret as far as that site is concerned. I don't worry that any of the Constance House sisters will rat me out, as you are all in the same building with me & would never do that to a sister. Or risk a hazing the likes of which the world has never seen.

I may x-post & expand into what I really wish I could have said in the first place, but I don't see that happening often. Unless it's something I would curse about - this being my PG-13 home and what not. (I tried for an R-rating but I couldn't bring myself to show the skin necessary for that one. No one wants to see that, trust me!)

I will most likely be a lot more honest about my own family & feelings around here ... Hubs family doesn't know I have a blog & I really can't see them stumbling onto it - but I don't have nearly the pent-up-frustrility with them that I have with my own family. I know that several family members read my Home Blog & would rat me out to my mother in a heartbeat, so all issues with them will come here. For your laughter & alcohol enhanced assistance.

I'll post the fun, happy, embarrassing, stupid, and goofy parts of my life around here too (keeping the happiness level to a good 7 out of 10 hopefully) ... but this is meant to be my escape from suburbia, children, husband, job, school & family ~ and when I escape for drinks I've been known to bitch & whine.

Just fair warning.

What will your Apartment hold?

So I know I said there was no laundry here ~

but can I tell you how much I LOVE my new washing machine?!

Since having the Princess my washing machine has been on triple duty trying to keep up with the inordinate amount of laundry this kid creates. I had no clue what we were in for! And God help me but the reflux phase almost sent me into a Tide-Induced-Depression. At our peak we were running 3 loads a day - for 3 people.

This would not have presented a problem except for the fact that Hubs & I purchased our laundering machinery as single-non-parent-type people. We got the super capacity loaders ... in the cheapest brands possible - and then waited until they were 5 years old to introduce a child into the home. To say that they were less than effective would be an understatement.

We first noticed problems when Princess was a newborn ~ it was suddenly taking 2 or 3 rounds to dry the clothes, unless I wanted to hang them semi-dripping, an idea I do not recommend during the winter. As the new year rolled around Home Depot had their "12 months no interest & here's a big chunk off the price too" sale ~ we roamed in with our 3 month old cutie & charmed our way into a masterpiece of a dryer. That works in 40 minutes or less HALLELUJAH Hannah I was in love!!

Then we entered the "Baby Food" and Daycare phase of life .... and my washer began to rebel against stains from such horrors as pumpkin, green beans, and *gasp* carrots. We lost many an outfit to the dreaded carrot stain (so many in fact that I began to refuse to feed her carrots unless she was stripped naked and the high chair cover was removed).

I tried the stain sticks, I've used gallons of bleach, I've used pre-soak & second rinses, I've washed loads twice just to be sure it was all gone. I've gone so far as to use (dare I say it) hot water. But alas - we have lost too many outfits and so many precious hours of my life have been wasted dragging clothes out of the laundry only to find an outfit unaffected by the agitation cycle.

Again, the new year rolled around and Home Depot sent out its "12 months no interest and here's a big chunk off the price too" sale flyer ~ with the prettiest washers I've ever seen. (Side note, I'm officially middle aged & Mommyfied when I think a washer is pretty, aren't I?) I simply told Hubs that he could shut me up for $700 .... you wouldn't believe how fast he pulled out that credit card for that statement.

My new beauty was delivered (for free) last week & the old behemoth was removed (also for free) never to be seen again. It's a front loading, water saving, low energy thing of beauty. It has the cutest little spots for detergents and softeners and bleaches. It's so quiet that I can't hear it running ~ even with the doors open to the room! It even has a timer so as to SCHEDULE the laundry *be still my heart I think we've died and gone to Laundry Heaven* I can put the load in at 10 pm & set it to start at 6am ~ then put it in the dryer while I go to take my shower ~ VOILA! Warm (clean) clothes for work!

No more mildew smell from leaving the clothes in the washing machine all night!!

Well, unless we forget and leave the clothes in there for 3 or 4 days .... which happens a lot around our house.

No clue how that would happen ... if only there was a washer/dryer that could do both. Or a hamster tube from one to the other that would just suck the clothes into the dryer & start itself. Or a hubby that could remember they've been asked to change the loads out. That could be helpful too.

I just heard 98 Constances fall on the floor and laugh their asses off.

While all my sisters went pink ....

I have picked a very fetching green .... for now.

I have several "Constance" sisters (see my side thingy over there) ~ we have all at some point mistakenly given out the information on our blogs & inadvertently ratted ourselves out to the world .... and by extension - our family and friends.

While I have no major issues with anything I've revealed on my blog, I do find myself editing my comments or emotions because "What if so&so ever reads this?!" Oh no!! But it's my blog, my thoughts & dammit it's my house.

So this is my secret apartment, the one I never got rid of when Hubs & I moved in together ~ the one with all my cool girly stuff, hundreds of picture frames with no grubby kiddy fingerprints & no agreements on paint colors and plug-in smells.

I hate having to agree on plug-in smells. Why do I have to loose my Clean Linen smells just because he likes Apple better?

My secret apartment smells like Clean Linen & Violets.

What's your secret apartment smell like?