I emailed my mom about hotel ideas for my brother's wedding in Michigan this summer & get a reply that she'll check on the areas I mentioned because she's afraid that some will be too "inner city". I have no idea what she thinks of as inner city, but whatever.
Then amid the note is this gem:
"I didn't mention the surgery (removed ovaries and tubes due to a tumor)because it wasn't a real big deal.I feel better.No cancer!But general anesthesia is a bummer at 55."
What the?!?!?
This is how you tell your daughter that you had another cancer scare? Let's just forget the fact that Daddy has Stage4 Lymphoma, and not even think about the fact that she had breast cancer while I was in high school ~ but she had a tumor that could have been ovarian cancer and she never bothered to let me know.
But I'm willing to bet my next paycheck that all her friends knew so that they could pray for her. Apparently my prayers go to God's voice mail & are ineffective compared to her friends'.
She does this "Selective Informing" crap and it's seriously on my very last nerve. She did this with her first cancer, she did this with my father's cancer, she did this with my brother's heart condition, she did this with my cousin's drug addiction & subsequent expulsion from the family. She does this with everything - if she doesn't think it's important for me to know, or doesn't think it needs to concern me ~ she just doesn't tell me. And she will go on not telling me until the shit hits the fan and I get a message on my voice mail from her: "Hi honey it's Mom. I just wanted to let you know that you need to pray for your grandmother because we aren't sure she's going to make it; we think her jerky husband beat her up and she's in ICU at the hospital; by the way your grandmother married a convicted pedophile, we'll talk about it later." By this point I know nothing of the swelling drama & she wonders why I'm so overly upset by the information.
Yeah my 82year old altizhimer's grandmother really did marry a pedophile. Who's 6 years younger than my mom. We'll talk about that one later! I need a bottle of wine for that one!
How am I supposed to handle this?
A."Yeah Mom, no cancer." And let it drop
B. Yell at her for not telling me so that I could be there for her (emotionally at least).
C. Just let it drop & keep going.
D. None of the above, here's what I would do ....
I'm telling you ~ crap like this is really making me debate spending $1,000 (that I don't have)
on going to my brother's wedding. If I'm not part of the family for the bad crap then I shouldn't spend the money on the happy stuff. Yeah I know that's probably not a healthy attitude .... I'm just tired of reaching for a relationship that will never be there. I'm never going to have the dream mother/daughter relationship with her & I need to be able to let that go.
I wonder if letting go of the dream would make it easier to accept what I have ~ or if it would just be one step closer to throwing in the towel and walking away.
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3 comments:
Maybe she wants the attention of you fawning all over the fact that she didn't tell you (my mom has done things like this). Maybe you shouldn't say anything at all and wait and see how she reacts. If she keeps dropping it into casual conversation, waiting for your reaction, just respond very nonchalantly about how you didn't get all worked up about it since it was OBVIOUSLY no big deal, because OF COURSE if it were, she would have told you right away.
I really believe that everyone goes through a grieving process at some point for the parent they wish they had. Because shitty relationship or not, no parent is perfect and when your parent falls REALLY short of the ideal that you (and everyone) wish you had then it is really disappointing. For some it happens early, for some later. But I really believe that grieving that lost relationship and letting it go is part of coming to a healthy acceptance of what you do have. But it hurts like hell and it doesn't happen over night.
All that to say, you sound perfectly normal to me. And I would have been pissed off too if my mom had kept something like that from me. :)
/Shannon (www.livinginthegray.com)
What Shannon said is dead on. I've had many of the same issues with my folks and you really do have to grieve over their parental failings. It took me a long time to forgive my dad, but I finally put those issues behind me.
My mother also does the selective information sharing. Since there are 4 of us kids she says, "I thought I already told you!" or "I didn't want to upset you!".
Personally, I'd confront the issue head on because there's nothing to lose and maybe it would help clear the air.
Good luck.
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