Brace Yourself!

Are you ready? Are you sitting?

Really? Do you need a minute?

Ok - here goes!

I'm happily in love with my husband.

I went through and read over a lot of my posts in this apartment & man ~ I bring some bad juju here. If my husband stumbled into the building he would think I was on the verge of divorcing him & walking out with my paycheck in one hand and the keys to the (best) car in the other. I'm not sure if the kids would be on my hips ... I'm thinking the building might not have enough soundproofing to tamp down the Baby's cries at 2am, which would just piss of my neighbors who are trying to get a decent night's sleep (Hi Constance Neighbors!)

We've had a few good weeks lately. I was home sick and dying last week (ok fine, I could have posted at least 4 "OMG I'M ABOUT TO KILL HIM" tweets, but we all survived) but it was nice to have a week of family bonding with no stress about having to be anywhere or accomplish anything. We haven't had that in a long time!

I really do love him, and I appreciate everything that he does for our family. While I bitch and moan about the things that he doesn't do/doesn't do the way I would ~ I can't hold him to a standard that I haven't lived yet. The only time I was a SAHM was in the weeks after the girls were born ~ and when the Baby was born he was at home with me to help wrangle two girls. When I was home alone with the Princess it was easy to get things done while she slept, there was no one else needing me! It's not fair of me to constantly compare what I would do to what he does, because it's never happened. While I do remember that 90% of the time & I bite my tongue before I say something hurtful that I can't take back, I do come here and spill my guts openly and honestly. It's my personality, I have to have somewhere to spill it, but I don't want to say the words to him and there's only so many times my girlfriends can hear me whine before they muzzle me. So I come here and write things out ... but I worry that if he was ever to find this place, he would be very hurt to see a lot of things that I've thought/written in the last year.

I am grateful for our marriage. I know that things could be bad, r e a l l y bad. I know that we need some time to reconnect, but this is part of having small children around ~ your time alone gets sacrificed for a little while. I miss having him all to myself, but I love who he's become since our girls were born. I know that we are a strong team, and I know that we are committed to our family & each other. For that, I'm exceedingly grateful.

I won't drop who I am on this blog (especially because I can cuss and cut up here without fearing that my father will see it, as he does on my open blog) but I need to add a disclaimer:

*words said here in anger cannot be held against me later as, while they were true at the time, the anger died .002 seconds after the entry was created. This is an emotional outlet ONLY and 20 minutes of ranting here should not be taken as indicitive of my emotions during the other 1,420 minutes in the same day.

I just wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea about me over here. I am happily married, I do adore my husband and our babies, I do attend church (albeit sporadically lately). I am a breastfeeding, baby wearing, disposable diaper using, homemade baby food making, McDonald's happy meal loving Mommy. I opt to stagger vaccinations and let the kids eat processed foods with organic milk. I occasionally spank & let the Princess watch cartoons & Disney movies. I'm not perfect & I never will be.

And I do love my husband & I would be crushed to loose him. Ever.

Just wanted to make that clear ;)