Selective Informing: Exhibit A

I emailed my mom about hotel ideas for my brother's wedding in Michigan this summer & get a reply that she'll check on the areas I mentioned because she's afraid that some will be too "inner city". I have no idea what she thinks of as inner city, but whatever.


Then amid the note is this gem:

"I didn't mention the surgery (removed ovaries and tubes due to a tumor)because it wasn't a real big deal.I feel better.No cancer!But general anesthesia is a bummer at 55."


What the?!?!?


This is how you tell your daughter that you had another cancer scare? Let's just forget the fact that Daddy has Stage4 Lymphoma, and not even think about the fact that she had breast cancer while I was in high school ~ but she had a tumor that could have been ovarian cancer and she never bothered to let me know.


But I'm willing to bet my next paycheck that all her friends knew so that they could pray for her. Apparently my prayers go to God's voice mail & are ineffective compared to her friends'.


She does this "Selective Informing" crap and it's seriously on my very last nerve. She did this with her first cancer, she did this with my father's cancer, she did this with my brother's heart condition, she did this with my cousin's drug addiction & subsequent expulsion from the family. She does this with everything - if she doesn't think it's important for me to know, or doesn't think it needs to concern me ~ she just doesn't tell me. And she will go on not telling me until the shit hits the fan and I get a message on my voice mail from her: "Hi honey it's Mom. I just wanted to let you know that you need to pray for your grandmother because we aren't sure she's going to make it; we think her jerky husband beat her up and she's in ICU at the hospital; by the way your grandmother married a convicted pedophile, we'll talk about it later." By this point I know nothing of the swelling drama & she wonders why I'm so overly upset by the information.



Yeah my 82year old altizhimer's grandmother really did marry a pedophile. Who's 6 years younger than my mom. We'll talk about that one later! I need a bottle of wine for that one!



How am I supposed to handle this?



A."Yeah Mom, no cancer." And let it drop



B. Yell at her for not telling me so that I could be there for her (emotionally at least).



C. Just let it drop & keep going.



D. None of the above, here's what I would do ....



I'm telling you ~ crap like this is really making me debate spending $1,000 (that I don't have)
on going to my brother's wedding. If I'm not part of the family for the bad crap then I shouldn't spend the money on the happy stuff. Yeah I know that's probably not a healthy attitude .... I'm just tired of reaching for a relationship that will never be there. I'm never going to have the dream mother/daughter relationship with her & I need to be able to let that go.

I wonder if letting go of the dream would make it easier to accept what I have ~ or if it would just be one step closer to throwing in the towel and walking away.

Like I needed to give the neighbors another thing to talk about behind my back

At Hubs' request I dropped the winter shaving/grooming ritual and went back to my normal appearance ~ I don't like to shave anything I don't absolutely have to during the winter. I figure I spend 8 months out of the year in shorts or a bathing suit. Personally - that's enough torture for the bikini line & the whole entire leg. The other 4 months of the year, they get a break. The calves however must stay shaved clean. I don't know why, it just bugs me.

I forgot how nice it was to let the grooming slack the last few months until that crap started itching like friggin fire. It was quiet and I was alone and fell for the temptation to scratch. At which point I turned and realized that my den window blinds are still halfway up ... at 10pm ... with every light blazing.

Lovely. Now the neighbors think I have crabs or something.

That should be fun at the next play date.

See ~ no good deed goes unpunished!!

Is it bad that I love this blog best?

I have two blogs & ... I think I love this blog best. Is that bad? Is it like a mom favoring one kid over the other? Should I just shut up about it already?



I just feel like I can be more honest & open around here than I can at home (aka the First blog) That's the one I have to behave on & where people who actually know my face come to find out about what my family is up to. I talk about the husband & the kid & the job & all sorts of things for which they will call & talk to me about later.



Around here ~ I can tell you what I really think of my idiotic in-laws and how much my mother really burns my ass.



And I can cuss here too. I really have to work not to do that at First Blog ... you know, cause my mom will stumble into there eventually. You know I will screw up and tell her eventually. Or my new-soon-to-be-SIL will because it's another way to bond with my mother. (I'll have to tell you all about that one later).

Is it wrong that I love this blog better? I just feel closer to this blog-child, less stifled ~ free to be me.

I love my secret diary blog.

To whom it may concern:

Person 1:

When you call and ask what I'm doing & I tell you I'm trying to sleep because I feel horrid - PLEASE take that as a hint that I am not in a mood to have a 20 minute conversation with you. Either get off the phone or don't get pissy when I hang up on you next time. And no, I haven't finished getting your taxes together yet, since I only started them yesterday. Which I told you yesterday that I was working on them & since you had not organized one. single. thing. from last year ~ I told you it would take H O U R S. And it has. I'm still not completely done.

It will go much faster next time if you don't throw all your junk mail in the box with every single receipt, bill, and bank statement you've gotten in 12 months. I'm just sayin'.

Person 2:

I go out of my way not to spend extended lengths of time with you because you are never kind to me, my husband or our child. BUT. We bought the tickets to the Disney/Little Einstein concert because my daughter adores that show - you told me it was stupid to take her since she was so little (I never asked your opinion). When we couldn't make it to the show you were offered our 3 tickets plus the set we purchased for the grandparents to go with us (why be petty & let $150 in tickets go to waste - I overnighted them to you). You never once said "Thank you", you never once called to tell us how it was, it never once occured to send my child a toy from the show - nothing to show your appreciation for passing on something that we were unable to use - but GREATLY wanted. Well that will never happen again. You gave my child an obviously re-gifted Christmas present (1 month late with a note to your youngest child slipped in the box), you have never once said that your kids even like the presents I've picked out for them over the last 7 years, you never returned the newborn clothes I sent for you to borrow & never thanked me for them. I'm done with you. We'll send your children "family" Christmas presents - but I'm done with you & your inconsideration for my family. You can treat my husband & I like crap ~ but you won't do that to my daughter.


WHEW ~ I feel better now. I may not be able to actually "say" all those things in real life ~ but saying them here at least gets them out of my head!

Remembering to bite my tongue

I took the Princess next door for a 4 hour play date with several friends ~ 4 moms & 9 kids all watching 3 husbands put together a new swingset for the "play house" family. You know, that one family who's house every kid seems to want to play at, all day, every day.

Every. Single. Day.

I love Trace, but she seems to run the neighborhood daycare center. Every time her blinds are open all the neighborhood kids seem to migrate there and then stay until she finally kicks them out so that she can, you know - DO stuff, like take of her own family.

As much as I want the Princess to have friends & play well with others ~ there may be upsides to having a shy child who wants to stay home & play quietly!

When we came in I noticed that Hubs had started the laundry ... and placed the piles of dirty clothes on my side of the bed ~ on my pillow. Lovely. I know he didn't do it on purpose, but still - EW. And he didn't divide the loads the way I like them ...

I turned around, left the room & walked away. Why bitch over the details when he's doing it without me begging him to? I'll save my voice for another day.

Proving my mother wrong, one class at a time

My relationship with my mom is .... strained. Some of it is my fault (crap I pulled as a teenager, my pride at not just forgiving her & getting on with life) and some of it is her fault (constantly bringing up crap I pulled as a teenager, her inability to let. shit. go and constantly treating me like I'm 12).

When I told her that I was going back to school she was happy, if a little less than enthusiastic. She's a teacher & she and Daddy both have their masters (she actually has two & he was working on his second before he was diagnosed with Stage4 cancer last year) so they understand the need for a college education, how hard it is, yada yada yada. As soon as I broke my news, she launched into her speach about how hard Bubba (little brother) worked for his education, how he's working on his Master's while he works at the college & is getting ready to get married, how great his GPA was when he graduated last year (later he spilled the truth - he got out with a 2.6gpa - Mom made it out to be a 4.0)

Then I hear: "Well I just hope you can keep up with everything and having a baby."

Since last June I have never ONCE been asked how my classes are going, how I'm holding up with work/kiddo/school, nothing. In the family Christmas bragging letter she mentioned my brother's graduation/masters program/wedding ~ and "our daughter is married with a beautiful daughter now"

Um, I've been married for 3 years & had the daughter the year before. Alrighty then. My question was "Is this the first time that she's told the family & friends that I'm married or having a baby?"

All that aside ~

I got my grades in today & I have ALL A's BABY!!!! WOOT! WOOT! 8 classes ~ all A's. I rock the laptop baby.

My Mom can kiss my happy butt today. I know she thinks I am still too lazy for school (I was lazy in high school & didn't apply myself & only got a 3.75 - in her eyes I should have had a 4.0 - that was lazy to her. Go figure) I know she thinks that online school is a scam & easier than normal college. I know that she will never be as proud of my 3.86gpa as she is of my brother's 2.6 ... and that stings, but I'm used to it.

But today ~ she can kiss my butt ~ I have all A's!!!!

(I am trying to figure out how I STILL managed to score the "Freshman 15" again & I'm not living in the dorms this time .... bleck!)

Parenting trade offs

I was neck deep in finals this weekend when I looked at the clock & realized we had twenty minutes to get to the photographers for her (apparently) annual bunny rabbit pictures.

Since we were all still in our pajamas (at one p.m.) this meant I had to get clothes on 3 people, the Princess' hair up in a bow, her dresses grabbed, her bag ready, all of us out the door & on the road for the 15 minute drive.

Suddenly Hubs decides "Nope, I don't wanna go" as I'm running around like a chicken without head or feathers.

Thankfully he caught the look I shot him & took over getting the kid ready while I threw on my own clothes & got her paraphernalia* ready.

I tried to argue my way into getting him in the car ~
"Rabbits AND a small child - we'll need all the help we can get"
"My back is hurting already, there's no way I can handle her through the dress changes & all the chasing"
"She smiles better for you"
"But you're going to miss seeing her with LIVE baby bunny rabbits"
"JUST GET IN THE CAR!"
"Be a pal & help a girl out!? PLEASE!?"

In the end ~ we went without him. And she didn't get a single outfit change & her hair fell out of her bow. Neither of those facts would have changed had he been there ~ but he could have fallen out laughing with me over her crawling after the bunnies as they hopped away in fear of the toddler, stabbing the bunnies with a carrot, and freaking out over the bunny that tried to eat her hair. She did not appreciate that one!

I'm starting to think he has a physical aversion to being present for her pictures. Out of all the times I've had her photos done (OhGoodLord have I had this kid's pics done!) he's only been along for one setting in which he was not personally involved. And I wanted his pictures done with her that time ~ and she refused to smile at him.

The ONE AND ONLY time in her life that she hasn't smiled at her father.

Go freakin figure.

His defense is that he takes her for her shots & I take her for her photo shoots. Both are viewed as torture sessions to a toddler, and she gets lollipops at the end of each ... so close & yet such very different ideas. I think I'm on the better end of this trade for once!



* "paraphernalia" doesn't look like it's spelled right to me ~ but Blogger assures me that's it. I don't quite believe it though.