Hubs wants me to ask a question

Ok so he has no clue about you lovely ladies ~ but I told him I would ask my online girls ... I just didn't say where!

He has one opinion on this subject & I'm not sure I see it as black & white as he does:

When I was 16 I started seeing The Guy (behind my parents back) & he was obviously 4 kinds of wrong for me. So I, of course, adored him. He was 24, divorced, in the military, Catholic (not a big thing to me, but it was used against me by my parents later) and living off base with his friends in a house not far from mine. I met him through my best friend, he was teaching one of her classes at the Catholic church ~ she then babysat for his roommates, they became friends, she developed a crush on him that wasn't returned. She was supposed to watch the kiddo one weekend but had to back out, so she asked me to do it. I quickly developed the same crush & it was returned ~ I became their full time babysitter that summer & spent almost every afternoon & evening at their house with the kiddo ... and The Guy. We had inside jokes, long talks, heart to hearts, and heat heat heat. He was my second kiss and first .... almost everything else. The whole "is she still a virgin" ground was very gray by the time we broke up a year later.

Hubs thinks that because I was so much younger than him & was in a situation of not being in control ~ this is molestation.

While I'm not proud of the things that I did with him at such a young age ~ I'm not exactly ashamed of the relationship either - for a long time it just seemed like that was my experience & we dated & it ended badly & life goes on.

But Hubs says that he should have been prosecuted for things he did ... I told my parent's attorney that I wouldn't testify against him because he never raped me.

Hubs is utterly convinced that The Guy was a pedophile & molester and that he should have been thrown in jail.

It never occurred to me that he wasn't just an older guy that I dated & yes I did things with him that shouldn't happen between people with that age difference ~ but we dated. We were emotionally involved & I still think he really did care for me ... I was of the age of consent, I knew what I was doing & yes I was nervous ~ but I never told him no, I never backed out of a babysitting job (i.e. chance to see him), he sent me roses during my national vocal competition & sent me letters every week when he was out on activities & for the 2 months he was deployed to Grenada.

I do agree that I was much younger & less experienced & wouldn't know what his moves were & I could have been easily coerced into something I didn't want to do ~ but the rest of the relationship negates that doesn't it?

Where is the line? Where is the divider between inappropriate relationship & illegal acts against a minor? Shouldn't I know if I was molested? Wouldn't I feel that difference?

The joys of imagined pregnancies

Every wave of nausea makes me more nauseated thinking "OMG could this be real?!"

Every cramp makes me wonder about implantation cramps thinking "OMG could this be REAL??"

Every emotional outburst makes me wonder about rising hormone levels thinking "OMG COULD this be REAL???"

Every brain spasm wondering "OMG. Could? This? Be? Real?" takes me back to trying to conceive the Princess. Takes me back to every month that I spent torturing myself for 2 weeks wondering if every tiny cramp, nausea, boob spasm, or lightheaded moment was a clue that I was pregnant.

Wondering if there could be a tiny little person in there takes me back to the hours that I spent hiding in the shower sobbing over the newest negative test, the arrival of my period, the disappointment that I couldn't seem to do the one thing that my body was built to do: have children.

Wondering if there could be a tiny little person's cells dividing and growing takes me back to the weeks I spent grieving the loss of our first little flutter baby. I wanted that child more than I wanted my next breath. Loosing her tore part of my soul that has never healed, and I'm not sure that it ever will. Over 2 years later I still tear up thinking of what she would be doing now, what she would look like, what our family would have been like if she had lived, what kind of mother I would have been with her as a daughter.

80% of my heart wants to be realistic and remember all the hard learned lessons of trying to conceive and all the talks with my beloved Gyno and the Handsome* Fertility Dr. I want to remember that while it can take "just the one time" to get knocked up ~ my ovaries are notoriously lazy and that those two doctors both predicted I would never get pregnant without pharmaceutical assistance. I want to be realistic and remember that even when we were killing our sex life trying to make a baby ~ there were far more no's than there were yes' on those damned Clear Blue Easy Pregnancy Torture Tests.

But 20% of me is praying for that one in a hundred thousand shot that this one time could have worked. Part of me wants that Christmas baby. Part of me is very terrified that this could be real. Part of me is very thrilled that this could be real.

Part of me wants to hide in the shower again and sob that I'm allowing myself to get this hopeful and excited over something that would be so life changing and world shaking for my little family. Part of me wants to hide because I don't want to put my heart through this disappointment again. I'm not ready for this roller coaster again, I'm not ready to be crushed by another no ...

But if it was to be real ... I would be 31 weeks pregnant on my 31st birthday on October 31st this year. And that would be incredibly cool.

I'm not ready to be crushed by another no ... but I have no idea what I would do with a yes either.

I'm going to drive myself bat shit crazy in the next 2 weeks. You know that don't you?


*The Handsome Fertility Dr: I swear to you this man looks so much like McDreamy it isn't even funny ~ bright blue eyes, black wavy hair, gorgeous smile & so. stinkin. sweet. with patients that it would break your heart. He showed up at every one of my blood draws pre-pregnancy, he was there for every single blood draw after the positive HcG test. He held my hand through every step of the process and literally cheered when we saw the Princess' little heart beating at 7wks 1day. I will forever love him for that. But good heavens is he HAWT!

Awwww crap, did I just do what I think I did?

Seriously, the sex talk has got to stop in my apartment. I think it's subconsciously leaking into the house & I think I may have just been thrown in the deep end.

1. We've had a lot more sex lately. A. LOT. Not a bad thing (pretty damn great if I was going to brag!) but just an observation!

2. I noticed last week that this would be the last month for us to get preg and have a '08 baby. I blame this on the year I spent calculating "If I get preg now then we'll have a baby in ___, but I would be pregnant through the ___ months ..." My brain clicked into that mode earlier this month when I spent 4 days thinking I want to be pregnant again. Then the weekend came, I spent 48 hours with the Hubs & the kid & I realized that we are just fine with one toddler at a time!

3. My cycle has actually been fairly predictable lately & I have felt the ovulation pains the last few months. Couldn't have happened when we were killing ourselves to have a baby ~ but whatever. Such is life.

Do you see where this is going yet?

I've had several of the "Project Egg Drop" signs in the last few days & then I cramped all day yesterday on one side (did Clomid, remember that pain, 90% sure it was the egg landing). Hubs was in the mood again last night. We don't use protection because ... well, it took a year & pharmaceutical assistance to get the Princess here ~ so we've never worried about trying not to get pregnant.

That could prove to be an error in judgement in oh, two weeks or so. And now my brain is screaming "NO MORE KIDS YET! NO MORE KIDS YET! NO MORE KIDS YET! NO MORE KIDS YET YOU IDIOT!!!"

And yet ~ I could have warned Hubs last night that it was a possible baby making night, but I didn't ... that's partly his fault for using all the really good moves on me though. I wasn't thinking straight. And I was slightly drunk from that bottle of wine that we opened. I SWEAR to you, I did not initiate anything & I tried to resist ... but then the wine kicked in & well, he was using all the good moves & I wanted to play!

But I don't want to be pregnant again yet. I need more time, Princess needs more time, we need more money.

But I want another baby and it took us a year to get her started growing ...

But I am so. not. ready. for another kid.

But I'll be 31 this year & if I want 3 total then I do need to get a move on ...

I'm going to be sick.

Why isn't there a morning after test?!

Let me whine about sex one more time

I'm all for a good roll in the hay ~ stress relieving, relationship affirming, generally a good time is had by all ~ but if both parties aren't in the mood I don't get why WOMEN have to feel guilty about putting out when we aren't truly in the mood.

Have you ever ONCE heard a guy muttering about "Damn I was tired last night, and the wife rolled over wantin' a little sumthin sumthin & I just figured what the hell & gave it up for her." ?!!? NO! Because if the guy isn't in the mood then the train stops there - but when we aren't in the mood the moves don't stop & we either jump on the train or get the cold "why are you so mean" shoulder for a week.

It's not that I don't love to love on Hubs ~ but last night when he rolled over to "snuggle" at 4 am (after I went to bed at 2:30 because I was trying to work on papers that will be due in several days) I just wasn't having any of it. I wasn't mean about it, I just rolled away & kept sleeping!

My mom gave me this "How-to-have-a-happy-Christian-marriage" book when we were engaged & there was an entire chapter dedicated to sex in marriage. It was directed at the wife & only her, listing all the reasons you should make yourself available to your husband & not turn him down & how detrimental it is to your marriage to do so.

Really? 'Cause it will be more detrimental to start feeling like sex is a chore & something I should just submit to whether I want to or not. Granted I'm rusty on my Bible classes ~ but I really don't think that's what God wants for my marriage.

All aboard the roller coaster

The plane tickets are purchased.

The rental car reservation has been made.

I've expressed to the car agent that if there is not a toddler car seat waiting at the airport for me ~ I refuse to be responsible for my actions. Her dismissive attitude when I asked for assurances that the car seat will be there was disconcerting in my world. This is the one key issue that could screw up & totally screw this whole trip, so yes, I'm obsessing over it.

Well, that & the presence of my mother.

She emailed today to let me know that she's hired the "baby-wranglers" for the rehearsal dinner and ceremony/reception. She knows that there is no way in Hades I will let anyone that I don't know watch her anywhere I'm not able to see her. Maybe it is good that she knows me well enough to understand that. The plan is to let her run around (since both events will be outside), the girls will watch her & I will be able to see her at all times. From what I can tell, she will be the only toddler in attendance. That should prove to be interesting!

I am a little more than slightly freaked out about 4 days, 2 plane rides, and 700 miles alone with this kiddo. Solo. 3 bedtimes and 3 (PleasedearLord) nap times to wrangle. A solo mio. 11 meals and countless snack times of figuring out what she wants to eat and getting it into her before she completely decompresses. All by myself. 80 hours of being the only person responsible for the care, safety and well being of this little person. While part of me is really excited about spending 4 days alone with her to reconnect & maybe override a little of her "Daddy Obsession" ~ the rest of me is utterly terrified that I will screw up and she will pay for my stupidity. I keep having visions of turning around to find her gone, or of landing in the ER at some point. I cannot express to you how bad it would be for me to come home with a broken or dented child ~ her father will NEVER. EVER. let me live that one down. I will forever be the parent who let the child break herself. (In all honesty - I wouldn't truly be able to let him live that one down either. We're mean like that.)

I was not built to be a single mom. Apparently I require more assistance with this kid than I realized.

Am I just a wuss or are these fairly standard fears for trips with a toddler?

Much ado about screwing

I miss my sex life. Not so much that I'm willing to loose more sleep to fix it, but I do miss it.

We have a great time when we have sex ~ there are never any disappointments, everyone gets to have their fun on the ride (sometimes two or three times!). We just don't think to have sex very often.

Lemme see if I can explain this one.

When we started dating I was working out of town so we only saw each other on the weekends Very little sex time! We never stayed the night with each other, I think it was the ghosts of our (recently) past relationships that kept us apart in those first months.

By the time we moved in together I had a normal 8-5 job and he was working in sales and would be out until 9 or 10 every night and then working most Saturdays. Again, no real time for a sex life. When he got home I was ready to pass out. When I was up and hyper on the weekends, he was drained and ready to pass out.

We were 2 years into our relationship before we had relatively similar schedules. Even in his last job Hubs has always worked long hours ~ the last was 7am - 6pm with Saturday mornings thrown in for extra torture. We fell into a pattern of not having sex on a regular basis and it worked for us.

Then we wanted to have a baby. Thanks to a certain set of uncooperative ovaries (I'm talking to you ya lazy little hosebags!) we were forced to go the medicated/scheduled baby making route. Let me just tell you what wonders THAT does for your sex drive (insert image of buses slamming into the side of a mountain and exploding on impact). And then add pregnancy, early 2nd trimester miscarriage, subsequent surgery, fertility meds /tests/exams, and 2nd pregnancy into the mix. It's a recipe for sexual disaster.

During my pregnancy with the Princess I think the Sex Fairy showed up at our house 4 times. Hubs didn't get anything that resembled a "mouth hug" until 3 months post-partum. That part was just as much his choice as it was mine though, I lost 40 pounds because of severe morning sickness & he didn't want to risk being puked on. I thought that was very kind of him.

Since we had the kiddo, I've had to heal from an episiotomy & hemorrhoids & I'm telling you ~ "the urge" has just not been present in our house. I would love to say that it will show up again in force ~ but it's never been a HUGE presence in our relationship. When it does show up it's a very lovely & welcome family member.

I don't know if we should pressure ourselves to increase the frequency or just live & let quietly live. We can openly talk about our sex life together, we are both satisfied with the type - but we both admit that it would be nice to see more of each other. Our biggest problems seem to be his exhaustion as a SAHD, my exhaustion as a WOOTHM & student.

Should we be worried or can we make it to a 50th wedding anniversary with a lazy sex life?

Wedding Whining Post #1

I'm sure this will become a series of posts over the next few months. And then at least 2 recapping posts after the big event in June. God help me I am dreading this event more than I dreaded that pre-labor enema. (That's a LOT of dread)

So to understand why this event bugs me there are a few details I need to lay out for you as groundwork:

1. This is the marriage of the perfect son to the perfect-virgin-pastors-daughter. (I am the black sheep and my husband comes from a broken family with issues)

2. They met in the perfect Baptist college and never slept together or lived together before marriage. (Hubs went to community college & we shacked up for almost 4 years before we signed the papers)

3. My family A-DORES her family. (My parents never met his family before the wedding & have never said a word about liking them. This is my fault for venting to my mom about them ONE TIME in four years)

4. My family worships the ground the bride walks on. (My parents never met hubs until the photographer was telling us to all stand together 2 hours before the ceremony. I'm not even kidding you.) Mom helped pick out her gown and was there to help look at bridesmaids dresses.

5. My mother always said that they never wanted to meet anyone I was with until there was a ring on my finger & a date on the invitations. She wasn't kidding. They met 1 guy that I dated in the 10 years I was out of their house. We were engaged, they came down to meet him & then 2 months later he split on me & left a "Dear John" letter for me. I've never heard from him again.
They never once tried to meet Hubs or get to know him in any way prior to our wedding.

Now ~ on to the fun.

My parents are going gahgah over this wedding. I just found out that they are paying for the catered rehearsal dinner complete with paying for hotels for the caterer that they are bringing in from NC to a Michigan wedding. They have invited family & family friends & are paying for those hotel rooms as well since everyone is coming in for the dinner on Friday night & then the wedding is Saturday night ~ so 2 nights of hotels for all those people.

They paid for $500 toward my wedding dress. A dress that was $575 with $400 more after the bra/slip/and alterations. I paid as much as they did by the time it was over. Hubs was PISSED that they wouldn't at least pay the $75 extra to cover the entire gown cost. And even then ~ they asked the store to fax them a copy of the receipt so that they could see it really cost the whole $500 they paid. Cause I just couldn't be trusted.

I asked my mom for a list of family names & addresses so that I could invite my family ~ to which my mother said "Oh I'll do all that just send me the invitations". I sent her 50 invites. I never got one card, present, or phone call from anyone other than 1 aunt & my grandmother. I had no one at my wedding from my family other than my parents & my brother. There were 50 people at our rehearsal dinner & not one single person was related to me. I found out later that my mother never mailed out a single invitation.

Granted I never asked my parents to lift a finger for my wedding ~ but they never offered. They flew into town at 7pm on the night of the rehearsal dinner & never bothered to even try to come in earlier that day so that they could come to the dinner.

I never saw them until I pulled up at the church to get ready for the pictures. My mother never saw my dress until I was standing for pictures. There is a picture of Hubs & I standing off to the side of the church & he's holding me & wiping my face ~ that shot looks like we are so in love and happy about getting married ... the truth is that he was trying to keep me calm & to not cry & ruin my makeup because I was so upset because I felt like they were annoyed by having to spend their weekend dealing with my wedding. I want to love us in that shot ~ but I hate the memories that picture brings back.

During our reception my mother took us aside & told Hubs that "If you ever make her cry we will come back down here and get you" ~ he looked straight at my mother & said "Well what about when you make her cry?" I've never loved him more than I did right in that moment. That moment cemented for me that I had married the perfect man.

I don't begrudge my brother all the love & happiness around his wedding ~ they deserve this day & they deserve to have the perfect, stress free, family supported day that the bride has always dreamed of.

I just wish my parents had thought enough of me to ever want to meet Hubs, ever invited us to spend time with them while we were dating, ever taken any interest in our wedding or being there to support me in the days leading up to it ....