Last week my grandmother quickly deteriorated from: "Dang 82 is old dude" to "Damn, who knew a bladder infection could actually kill someone?" Apparently: Monday, healthy; Tuesday, sick & put on antibiotics; Friday, in ER unconscious with raging fever and Dr threatening ventilator; Saturday, my aunt calling family members asking them to say goodbye; Early Sunday morning, gone.
Oh yeah, Saturday was my birthday.
My family made a unified decision not to tell me about the impending doom so as not to screw up my birthday & my girls' halloween festivities. Either my InsaneAunt didn't get the message or didn't care as she called me that afternoon to tell me that my grandmother was pointing at my picture and they thought she wanted to talk to me. After InsaneAunt filled me in I had a quick (last) conversation with MomMom. She was unable to speak but I told her that I love her & what my girls were going to be for Halloween, what The Newbie is doing now & just generally tried not to sob big nasty snot bubbles into my cell phone.
As much crap as I give my husband, he never once questioned me as I told him "I have to be there, NOW." Within 8 hours we had packed up the car with enough stuff for 2 adults & 2 small children for 4 days & 18 hours of driving, taken the oldest trick or treating & cleaned the house so as not to come home to a tornado. (Also: we pack like we're traveling to a foreign country where Target does not exist.) We timed the trip so that the girls would sleep as we drove through the night, hoping to miss traffic & slide past sleeping cops. We were 3 hours out of town, 1/3 of the way through the trip when my mother called to tell us to turn around, MomMom had died.
She's been cremated and they held the funeral off for 2 weeks so that more family members could get to town for the service. And here's where the fun begins ::rolling eyes:: My grandmother has lived with InsaneAunt for the last several years (that's an entire chapter of posts). My cousins are grown with college degrees and well paying jobs and yet still depend on InsaneAunt & Uncle for a good portion of their disposable income. Their EntitledDaughter is 28 & still lives at home with them. They've sent their kids to Europe 3 times in the last 6 years, and yet gave me a tear-jerker speech last weekend about how paying the bills for my grandmother has been financially hard on them & they don't have enough money for their own phone bills every month. As it turns out, she has no bills & they've been relying on MomMom's $1,200 SSI check as additional income every month. Lovely right? My grandmother was upset about not having enough money to send me flowers when I gave birth, and yet their kids went to Europe on their dime .... *sigh* Their family lived with my grandmother for over 10 years after my grandfather died (without paying utilities or rent), in the guise of "Being there for her". You want to be there for a retired widow? Kick in with some rent chumps.
EntitledDaughter & EntitledSon are bringing dates to the funeral - a SMALL, family only funeral and they are bringing people they've only been dating for a few months & who have never met the family. They are only showing up at all because they feel guilty as I'm flying in with my 10month old & several second cousins are flying cross country for this weekend. If these two numbskulls can't manage to drive 2 hours to be at the funeral for a woman who they've lived over half of their life with, there would be a beat down like Vegas has never seen.
InsaneAunt is driving my mother batty & InsaneUncle literally pushed the funeral home paperwork toward my father so that he could be financially responsible for the funeral costs. Sweet, right? Thankfully MomMom had just enough life insurance to cover the cremation, inurnment and the service. She'll be buried next to my grandfather, in the plot she purchased after his death. It strikes me as odd that InsaneAunt & Uncle wanted to keep her on the mantle when there are 3 (THREE!) perfectly good, open plots sitting there that she purchased for our family .... hmm. Odd that my Down Syndrome Aunt, InsaneAunt & Uncle would vote to keep her on a shelf instead of burying her. Just odd.
The Newbie and I fly out Friday & come home Sunday. While I'm looking forward to 3 days with my family, it's going to be K-RAZY squared. Thankfully I have a bottle of xanax, since I can't smuggle liquor into a hotel room with my mother (OhGodSaveMe: I'll be sharing a hotel room with my parents. Iz 9 years old again.)
Monday, November 9, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Is there a way to raise children for free?
I am looking into a mother's morning out program for the Princess:
2 days/week
8:30am - 12
Follows the county school schedule for holiday breaks & goes until the end of the school year.
They have a preschool curriculum:
Reading/Class time (learn letters, numbers, Bible stories)
Art class (finger paint, playdo, etc)
Music class (minister of music does this one)
They do Christmas & End of Year programs - have an Easter Egg hunt, Thanksgiving feast, dress up party for halloween
They will help teach potty training
They do one snack midmorning & have playground time ....
$110/mo Less than daycare ... but still, $110 for essentially 8 days a month? Would she be there enough to justify the travel time (10 min each way) & fee?
I know in the grand scheme $110 a month isn't that much, but this will wind up being $1090 after it's all said and done. I don't have $1090 to blow for her to blow bubbles and smoosh playdough 7 hours a week, you know what I mean?
2 days/week
8:30am - 12
Follows the county school schedule for holiday breaks & goes until the end of the school year.
They have a preschool curriculum:
Reading/Class time (learn letters, numbers, Bible stories)
Art class (finger paint, playdo, etc)
Music class (minister of music does this one)
They do Christmas & End of Year programs - have an Easter Egg hunt, Thanksgiving feast, dress up party for halloween
They will help teach potty training
They do one snack midmorning & have playground time ....
$110/mo Less than daycare ... but still, $110 for essentially 8 days a month? Would she be there enough to justify the travel time (10 min each way) & fee?
I know in the grand scheme $110 a month isn't that much, but this will wind up being $1090 after it's all said and done. I don't have $1090 to blow for her to blow bubbles and smoosh playdough 7 hours a week, you know what I mean?
Friday, August 14, 2009
Brace Yourself!
Are you ready? Are you sitting?
Really? Do you need a minute?
Ok - here goes!
I went through and read over a lot of my posts in this apartment & man ~ I bring some bad juju here. If my husband stumbled into the building he would think I was on the verge of divorcing him & walking out with my paycheck in one hand and the keys to the (best) car in the other. I'm not sure if the kids would be on my hips ... I'm thinking the building might not have enough soundproofing to tamp down the Baby's cries at 2am, which would just piss of my neighbors who are trying to get a decent night's sleep (Hi Constance Neighbors!)
We've had a few good weeks lately. I was home sick and dying last week (ok fine, I could have posted at least 4 "OMG I'M ABOUT TO KILL HIM" tweets, but we all survived) but it was nice to have a week of family bonding with no stress about having to be anywhere or accomplish anything. We haven't had that in a long time!
I really do love him, and I appreciate everything that he does for our family. While I bitch and moan about the things that he doesn't do/doesn't do the way I would ~ I can't hold him to a standard that I haven't lived yet. The only time I was a SAHM was in the weeks after the girls were born ~ and when the Baby was born he was at home with me to help wrangle two girls. When I was home alone with the Princess it was easy to get things done while she slept, there was no one else needing me! It's not fair of me to constantly compare what I would do to what he does, because it's never happened. While I do remember that 90% of the time & I bite my tongue before I say something hurtful that I can't take back, I do come here and spill my guts openly and honestly. It's my personality, I have to have somewhere to spill it, but I don't want to say the words to him and there's only so many times my girlfriends can hear me whine before they muzzle me. So I come here and write things out ... but I worry that if he was ever to find this place, he would be very hurt to see a lot of things that I've thought/written in the last year.
I am grateful for our marriage. I know that things could be bad, r e a l l y bad. I know that we need some time to reconnect, but this is part of having small children around ~ your time alone gets sacrificed for a little while. I miss having him all to myself, but I love who he's become since our girls were born. I know that we are a strong team, and I know that we are committed to our family & each other. For that, I'm exceedingly grateful.
I won't drop who I am on this blog (especially because I can cuss and cut up here without fearing that my father will see it, as he does on my open blog) but I need to add a disclaimer:
*words said here in anger cannot be held against me later as, while they were true at the time, the anger died .002 seconds after the entry was created. This is an emotional outlet ONLY and 20 minutes of ranting here should not be taken as indicitive of my emotions during the other 1,420 minutes in the same day.
I just wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea about me over here. I am happily married, I do adore my husband and our babies, I do attend church (albeit sporadically lately). I am a breastfeeding, baby wearing, disposable diaper using, homemade baby food making, McDonald's happy meal loving Mommy. I opt to stagger vaccinations and let the kids eat processed foods with organic milk. I occasionally spank & let the Princess watch cartoons & Disney movies. I'm not perfect & I never will be.
Really? Do you need a minute?
Ok - here goes!
I'm happily in love with my husband.
I went through and read over a lot of my posts in this apartment & man ~ I bring some bad juju here. If my husband stumbled into the building he would think I was on the verge of divorcing him & walking out with my paycheck in one hand and the keys to the (best) car in the other. I'm not sure if the kids would be on my hips ... I'm thinking the building might not have enough soundproofing to tamp down the Baby's cries at 2am, which would just piss of my neighbors who are trying to get a decent night's sleep (Hi Constance Neighbors!)
We've had a few good weeks lately. I was home sick and dying last week (ok fine, I could have posted at least 4 "OMG I'M ABOUT TO KILL HIM" tweets, but we all survived) but it was nice to have a week of family bonding with no stress about having to be anywhere or accomplish anything. We haven't had that in a long time!
I really do love him, and I appreciate everything that he does for our family. While I bitch and moan about the things that he doesn't do/doesn't do the way I would ~ I can't hold him to a standard that I haven't lived yet. The only time I was a SAHM was in the weeks after the girls were born ~ and when the Baby was born he was at home with me to help wrangle two girls. When I was home alone with the Princess it was easy to get things done while she slept, there was no one else needing me! It's not fair of me to constantly compare what I would do to what he does, because it's never happened. While I do remember that 90% of the time & I bite my tongue before I say something hurtful that I can't take back, I do come here and spill my guts openly and honestly. It's my personality, I have to have somewhere to spill it, but I don't want to say the words to him and there's only so many times my girlfriends can hear me whine before they muzzle me. So I come here and write things out ... but I worry that if he was ever to find this place, he would be very hurt to see a lot of things that I've thought/written in the last year.
I am grateful for our marriage. I know that things could be bad, r e a l l y bad. I know that we need some time to reconnect, but this is part of having small children around ~ your time alone gets sacrificed for a little while. I miss having him all to myself, but I love who he's become since our girls were born. I know that we are a strong team, and I know that we are committed to our family & each other. For that, I'm exceedingly grateful.
I won't drop who I am on this blog (especially because I can cuss and cut up here without fearing that my father will see it, as he does on my open blog) but I need to add a disclaimer:
*words said here in anger cannot be held against me later as, while they were true at the time, the anger died .002 seconds after the entry was created. This is an emotional outlet ONLY and 20 minutes of ranting here should not be taken as indicitive of my emotions during the other 1,420 minutes in the same day.
I just wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea about me over here. I am happily married, I do adore my husband and our babies, I do attend church (albeit sporadically lately). I am a breastfeeding, baby wearing, disposable diaper using, homemade baby food making, McDonald's happy meal loving Mommy. I opt to stagger vaccinations and let the kids eat processed foods with organic milk. I occasionally spank & let the Princess watch cartoons & Disney movies. I'm not perfect & I never will be.
And I do love my husband & I would be crushed to loose him. Ever.
Just wanted to make that clear ;)
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
MckMelodrama
I've been thinking a lot about integrity in blogging lately ~ it started with the great grabfest that was BlogHer'09 and the tweets flying fast and furious about bloggers who are (essentially) in it for the "stuff". Whether it's swag bags, big corporate freebies, the money or even the adoration of many fans and readers ... bloggers who aren't in it for love but for the stuff.
And then MckMelodrama started on a (rather) large blogger's site
It was revealed through public records that a respected Christian blogger is in dire financial straights with having 2 homes in foreclosure in the last 8 months. She's called the police twice last year on her prince of a husband for domestic violence during her high risk pregnancy (both times he pled guilty with a lesser charge dropped). And her youngest child is in & out of dire medical condition of which she tweets. Constantly.
While I do completely agree with the Mckfollowers in that she does have the right not to discuss parts of her life on her blog (financial crisis, marital crisis, etc) I cannot condone her recent desire to downplay the revelation of her husband's multiple arrests for domestic violence/disturbance. It scares me to see any woman brush allegations of this nature under the rug ~ but especially a woman with so many small children in the home. These small children cannot defend themselves or remove themselves from dangerous situations should that need arise, I would hope that at the very least she's able to be honest with herself about the situation for their sake.
I, personally, would be too crushed to discuss one foreclosure on my open blog, two would be humiliating for me. I think at the very least we have to be thankful that she's not playing a "My child is very ill, my husband's job has suffered & we are loosing our house ~ please help! Send donations!" card. (Although that could come any day now, especially seeing as her local Fox station seems to love doing stories on Mcktrainwreck.)
While I don't agree with other bloggers who are crying "Munchhausen's!" over the situation, her son's health and treatment does give her a certain amount of attention, hand holding and adulation that she wouldn't get just being a mommy to 4 small kids & one (apparently stressed & angry) husband. Maybe that's not healthy ~ but neither is the unparalleled dedication and adoration of the Mcklovers
I've been watching Mckblog and several AntiMckblogs, watching the drama unfold and I have to say that I do feel bad for the girl at the center of this storm. It seems that she's trying to portray the life she wants to have and glossing over the reality of what she lives every day. No blogger is 100% honest about their lives - there are two sides to every story & even your IRL BFF keeps secrets about things that are too painful to look at. I would never want my life dissected the way Mckblogger's has been, but that's why I don't even allude to the idea that my blog is 100% of my life. 60% maybe .... 80% on a really good day. My issue with Mckblog is that this glossy veneer is purported to be her real life. She's alluded to the fact that there were marital problems & they are in counseling ~ what she's glossed over is that this was court ordered counseling on his part.
While I can see why her supporters would be upset to have their friend's troubles revealed openly, all of this information is public record and easily found. When Mckblogger stood up for responsibility and integrity in blogging during the April Rose situation, she opened herself up for the same scrutiny. When she began blogging the minute details of her son's medical care and giving blow by blow tweets, she opened herself up for scrutiny of her parenting & her handling of the situation.
All that being said, the venom found in her supporters defense statements leads me to think that "they doth protest too much". There are more people seeing the holes in Mckblogger's story, they just feel guilty - as if they are betraying a trusted friend to think that she's not worthy of the platform they've placed her on. But in truth, no human is worthy of the platform she was on last week.
And then MckMelodrama started on a (rather) large blogger's site
It was revealed through public records that a respected Christian blogger is in dire financial straights with having 2 homes in foreclosure in the last 8 months. She's called the police twice last year on her prince of a husband for domestic violence during her high risk pregnancy (both times he pled guilty with a lesser charge dropped). And her youngest child is in & out of dire medical condition of which she tweets. Constantly.
While I do completely agree with the Mckfollowers in that she does have the right not to discuss parts of her life on her blog (financial crisis, marital crisis, etc) I cannot condone her recent desire to downplay the revelation of her husband's multiple arrests for domestic violence/disturbance. It scares me to see any woman brush allegations of this nature under the rug ~ but especially a woman with so many small children in the home. These small children cannot defend themselves or remove themselves from dangerous situations should that need arise, I would hope that at the very least she's able to be honest with herself about the situation for their sake.
I, personally, would be too crushed to discuss one foreclosure on my open blog, two would be humiliating for me. I think at the very least we have to be thankful that she's not playing a "My child is very ill, my husband's job has suffered & we are loosing our house ~ please help! Send donations!" card. (Although that could come any day now, especially seeing as her local Fox station seems to love doing stories on Mcktrainwreck.)
While I don't agree with other bloggers who are crying "Munchhausen's!" over the situation, her son's health and treatment does give her a certain amount of attention, hand holding and adulation that she wouldn't get just being a mommy to 4 small kids & one (apparently stressed & angry) husband. Maybe that's not healthy ~ but neither is the unparalleled dedication and adoration of the Mcklovers
I've been watching Mckblog and several AntiMckblogs, watching the drama unfold and I have to say that I do feel bad for the girl at the center of this storm. It seems that she's trying to portray the life she wants to have and glossing over the reality of what she lives every day. No blogger is 100% honest about their lives - there are two sides to every story & even your IRL BFF keeps secrets about things that are too painful to look at. I would never want my life dissected the way Mckblogger's has been, but that's why I don't even allude to the idea that my blog is 100% of my life. 60% maybe .... 80% on a really good day. My issue with Mckblog is that this glossy veneer is purported to be her real life. She's alluded to the fact that there were marital problems & they are in counseling ~ what she's glossed over is that this was court ordered counseling on his part.
While I can see why her supporters would be upset to have their friend's troubles revealed openly, all of this information is public record and easily found. When Mckblogger stood up for responsibility and integrity in blogging during the April Rose situation, she opened herself up for the same scrutiny. When she began blogging the minute details of her son's medical care and giving blow by blow tweets, she opened herself up for scrutiny of her parenting & her handling of the situation.
All that being said, the venom found in her supporters defense statements leads me to think that "they doth protest too much". There are more people seeing the holes in Mckblogger's story, they just feel guilty - as if they are betraying a trusted friend to think that she's not worthy of the platform they've placed her on. But in truth, no human is worthy of the platform she was on last week.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Why am I working weekends?
I fully understand that my husband feels his job as a SAHD is a full time gig. Even though I think it's more like a part time job ~ but I'll never say this to him because I would never want it repeated to me should I ever get the chance to stay at home to raise the kids.
Bear with me here ~ I'm not slighting 99.7% of SAHP's, but I think my husband has a pretty sweet deal kicking:
He & the girls don't get up until after 10am.
They do breakfast & then the Princess watches her cartoons in the back of the house while he takes care of the baby & gets himself ready for the day.
They play.
They do lunch around 1:30.
Nap time starts at 2:30 & goes until whoever wakes up. The Princess typically sleeps until 4:30 or so & The Baby ... you know how they sleep! There are days where she'll go down for 30 minutes and then days she'll go down for 3 hours.
I'm home shortly after 5 & the kids are handed off to me.
On a normal day Hubs has both girls awake for 5 hours (25hrs/week). Worst case scenario ~ 7 hours (35hrs/week).
When I get home there are dishes to be done from the day.
Laundry is only ever done on the weekends.
Cleaning is only ever done on the weekends.
Cooking is my department, rarely does Hubs cook dinner in the evenings & never until I get home.
I work (roughly) 8am - 5pm Monday through Friday with a one hour lunch (40hrs/week).
So yes, I get pissy when I get home & he calls out "Mommy's turn!!" and leaves me to handle the girls while he goes to relax.
Yes, I get frustrated when he sleeps in every Saturday and Sunday morning. Every. Until I wake him up sometime between 12 & 1. I don't wake him up before that because it's pointless, he'll just be grumpy & pissy and go back to sleep so I may as well leave him where he is.
Yes, I get ticked off when I have to clean up their dishes - or prepare and clean up dinner when I've barely been home 10 minutes and he's disappeared on me. And then having to hear "I can't cook with them underfoot & crying at me" ... well how the bloody snog do you think I make dinner?! With my magic fairy wand?!
Yes it irks me that weekends are called "Mommy's on Duty" and I am expected to take the children with me wherever I go. I get the guilt trips about "Why don't you take Princess to X, she hasn't left the house all week." Oh don't blame that crap on me - you have the better car at the house all day with car seats loaded up ~ you could leave this place anytime you wanted, but it's too hard for him to take both girls. And yet I'm supposed to be the pro at dealing with them alone outside the home.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm exhausted. I want to go home and lie down with an ice pack and a chilled glass of wine .... and yet I know as soon as I walk in the door he'll be waiting to hand the kids off to me & take his two days off (yes he does pick up the house & do laundry on the weekends and I do not help - this is payback for telling me he can't accomplish sweeping the floors during the week because the girls are in his way.) I know once I get home he will not take charge with the girls unless it's a medical emergency, or I badger him into helping me (for which I get a guilt trip and whining that could beat a 6 year old). I know that he Will. Not. touch a diaper. I know that I am up to bat for 60 hours, until I return to the office to draw a paycheck for our family.
He agrees that my job is full time.
Bear with me here ~ I'm not slighting 99.7% of SAHP's, but I think my husband has a pretty sweet deal kicking:
He & the girls don't get up until after 10am.
They do breakfast & then the Princess watches her cartoons in the back of the house while he takes care of the baby & gets himself ready for the day.
They play.
They do lunch around 1:30.
Nap time starts at 2:30 & goes until whoever wakes up. The Princess typically sleeps until 4:30 or so & The Baby ... you know how they sleep! There are days where she'll go down for 30 minutes and then days she'll go down for 3 hours.
I'm home shortly after 5 & the kids are handed off to me.
On a normal day Hubs has both girls awake for 5 hours (25hrs/week). Worst case scenario ~ 7 hours (35hrs/week).
When I get home there are dishes to be done from the day.
Laundry is only ever done on the weekends.
Cleaning is only ever done on the weekends.
Cooking is my department, rarely does Hubs cook dinner in the evenings & never until I get home.
I work (roughly) 8am - 5pm Monday through Friday with a one hour lunch (40hrs/week).
So yes, I get pissy when I get home & he calls out "Mommy's turn!!" and leaves me to handle the girls while he goes to relax.
Yes, I get frustrated when he sleeps in every Saturday and Sunday morning. Every. Until I wake him up sometime between 12 & 1. I don't wake him up before that because it's pointless, he'll just be grumpy & pissy and go back to sleep so I may as well leave him where he is.
Yes, I get ticked off when I have to clean up their dishes - or prepare and clean up dinner when I've barely been home 10 minutes and he's disappeared on me. And then having to hear "I can't cook with them underfoot & crying at me" ... well how the bloody snog do you think I make dinner?! With my magic fairy wand?!
Yes it irks me that weekends are called "Mommy's on Duty" and I am expected to take the children with me wherever I go. I get the guilt trips about "Why don't you take Princess to X, she hasn't left the house all week." Oh don't blame that crap on me - you have the better car at the house all day with car seats loaded up ~ you could leave this place anytime you wanted, but it's too hard for him to take both girls. And yet I'm supposed to be the pro at dealing with them alone outside the home.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm exhausted. I want to go home and lie down with an ice pack and a chilled glass of wine .... and yet I know as soon as I walk in the door he'll be waiting to hand the kids off to me & take his two days off (yes he does pick up the house & do laundry on the weekends and I do not help - this is payback for telling me he can't accomplish sweeping the floors during the week because the girls are in his way.) I know once I get home he will not take charge with the girls unless it's a medical emergency, or I badger him into helping me (for which I get a guilt trip and whining that could beat a 6 year old). I know that he Will. Not. touch a diaper. I know that I am up to bat for 60 hours, until I return to the office to draw a paycheck for our family.
I agree that his gig is full time.
He agrees that my job is full time.
So why am I the one left to work the weekend shift?
And yes, I pointed out the difference in our working hours because I'm jealous. I want to wake up late after snuggling in the bed with The Baby. I want to be able to take the girls to the park and the zoo during the week. I want to be able to be home with my babies ... I want to enjoy nap times too!
Friday, June 5, 2009
29 years after an adoption
Last week I was contacted by an adoption blog who is looking for an adult adoptee to write about their experiences. She'd seen my posts on my open blog and thought I might have some insight that could be useful on her site. After emailing back and forth I don't think I'm what she's looking for; thankfully she sees this too & we can part as friends with an offer to have me guest blog occasionally.
This is a very pro-adoption website, they want to show the good sides, great results and offer support to bio-parents and adoptive parents (especially the waiting-to-adopt 'rents). She is looking for happy, breezy, supportive people to write ... I am more of the dark, twisty and conflicted style of adult adoptee. I don't quite fit the "happily ever after" image they want to portray.
October 28th will be the 29th anniversary of the day I was put up for adoption. You would think after 29 years I could talk about the birth family without a lot of emotion. Maybe I should be able to, maybe healthy adults can ... but that's not my reality.
I am at peace with the fact that I'm adopted ~ believe me ~ I've seen what I came from & I praise God daily that I was not left in that squalor! I think it's the fact that my daughter is approaching that same age that's bringing a new aspect to my experience. Seeing my sweet innocent girl, knowing that I would stab anyone who put her through those experiences ... I thought I had dealt with my anger, but becoming a mother made me see the bio-mother in a new light.
When I first had the Princess I softened toward the bio, I thought of how she must have loved me, wanted the best for me, had such hopes for me, how happy she must have been to have her third child. I thought of how hard it must have been for her to walk away, how I could never walk away from my baby, how I would never forgive myself and I would miss her every day for the rest of my life.
As the Princess reaches the age I was when that world, that family, fell apart the anger is coming back in different ways. How could she do that to her children? How could she place her children in situations where the state wound up mandating "sign over your children or we will take you to court and revoke your parental rights"?
There is no right way to handle these feelings. I've been through enough therapy to know that all I can do is get them out, face them, accept them and then walk away. It just feels so personal this time - to *know* that these things happened to you as a toddler is one thing - to have a toddler of your own & know that you would do anything to keep her from experiencing that ... I can't forgive her for not protecting me.
I can't forgive her but it's not worth hating her.
I'm not the happy "Yeah I met my bio & we are bestest friends now!" story that every adopted kid wants. That's just not my reality, and I can't forgive her for that either.
This is a very pro-adoption website, they want to show the good sides, great results and offer support to bio-parents and adoptive parents (especially the waiting-to-adopt 'rents). She is looking for happy, breezy, supportive people to write ... I am more of the dark, twisty and conflicted style of adult adoptee. I don't quite fit the "happily ever after" image they want to portray.
October 28th will be the 29th anniversary of the day I was put up for adoption. You would think after 29 years I could talk about the birth family without a lot of emotion. Maybe I should be able to, maybe healthy adults can ... but that's not my reality.
I am at peace with the fact that I'm adopted ~ believe me ~ I've seen what I came from & I praise God daily that I was not left in that squalor! I think it's the fact that my daughter is approaching that same age that's bringing a new aspect to my experience. Seeing my sweet innocent girl, knowing that I would stab anyone who put her through those experiences ... I thought I had dealt with my anger, but becoming a mother made me see the bio-mother in a new light.
When I first had the Princess I softened toward the bio, I thought of how she must have loved me, wanted the best for me, had such hopes for me, how happy she must have been to have her third child. I thought of how hard it must have been for her to walk away, how I could never walk away from my baby, how I would never forgive myself and I would miss her every day for the rest of my life.
As the Princess reaches the age I was when that world, that family, fell apart the anger is coming back in different ways. How could she do that to her children? How could she place her children in situations where the state wound up mandating "sign over your children or we will take you to court and revoke your parental rights"?
There is no right way to handle these feelings. I've been through enough therapy to know that all I can do is get them out, face them, accept them and then walk away. It just feels so personal this time - to *know* that these things happened to you as a toddler is one thing - to have a toddler of your own & know that you would do anything to keep her from experiencing that ... I can't forgive her for not protecting me.
I can't forgive her but it's not worth hating her.
I'm not the happy "Yeah I met my bio & we are bestest friends now!" story that every adopted kid wants. That's just not my reality, and I can't forgive her for that either.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Open letter to my spouse
Dearest Husband,
If you don't want to call your mother and ask her for financial help ~ then GET A JOB.
I love you. I love that you are staying home with our girls. I love that you are able to keep them at home and that you do the laundry, and try to keep the house clean, and occasionally have meals cooking when I get home.
I appreciate everything you do, and I'm so glad that at least one of us has the opportunity to be at home while our girls are so young.
That being said - we are broke. I know that you know this & there is no huge breaking news in that statement, but we are. I think you know how broke we are, but I'm not sure that you fathom the depth that is that brokedness. When I put off paying the light bill it's because I had to have gas to get back and forth to work, or because our daughter's needed diapers for their cute little tushies. I don't play with the timing of our cable bill for fun ~ I don't want to see what would happen if Sesame Street was unavailable for the month ~ I want to make sure that we have enough money to buy the groceries to keep our daughter fed. When I buy the cheap paper towels, it's not to drive you insane ~ it's so that we have another $3 available to buy more bread or cereal. And yes, I refuse to buy harsh toilet paper. If I have to cut every other luxury out of my life I am at least going to be comfortable when I wipe damnit.
You've told me before that you would get a part time job in the evenings to help us out ~ well it's time to step up & pitch in financially. We don't need much extra a month, just a few hundred for groceries and gas money. I would love to have a bit to buy clothes for the girls (or God forbid - myself) but for right now, I just want to be able to stop juggling bill money around & be able to buy groceries without having to pray that the debit card clears.
Please help me out with this. I know that I ask a lot of you & that you are tired by the end of the day ~ but please, don't make me be the one who has to work a second job. If I have to miss any more time with my girls I think - no - I know that I would wind up resenting you, and that would severely damage our marriage.
Either suck it up & continue to sell your soul & ask your mother for help, or go find a job. No more "looking online" or posting online for jobs, after 3 months with no nibbles it's obviously NOT working. Get out, go to the stores and fill out applications.
I love you & I want to keep loving you. All I'm asking is for 20 or 25 hours a week, for you to leave and help our family financially. I need this. We need this.
Your Loving (and desperately stressed) Wife
If you don't want to call your mother and ask her for financial help ~ then GET A JOB.
I love you. I love that you are staying home with our girls. I love that you are able to keep them at home and that you do the laundry, and try to keep the house clean, and occasionally have meals cooking when I get home.
I appreciate everything you do, and I'm so glad that at least one of us has the opportunity to be at home while our girls are so young.
That being said - we are broke. I know that you know this & there is no huge breaking news in that statement, but we are. I think you know how broke we are, but I'm not sure that you fathom the depth that is that brokedness. When I put off paying the light bill it's because I had to have gas to get back and forth to work, or because our daughter's needed diapers for their cute little tushies. I don't play with the timing of our cable bill for fun ~ I don't want to see what would happen if Sesame Street was unavailable for the month ~ I want to make sure that we have enough money to buy the groceries to keep our daughter fed. When I buy the cheap paper towels, it's not to drive you insane ~ it's so that we have another $3 available to buy more bread or cereal. And yes, I refuse to buy harsh toilet paper. If I have to cut every other luxury out of my life I am at least going to be comfortable when I wipe damnit.
You've told me before that you would get a part time job in the evenings to help us out ~ well it's time to step up & pitch in financially. We don't need much extra a month, just a few hundred for groceries and gas money. I would love to have a bit to buy clothes for the girls (or God forbid - myself) but for right now, I just want to be able to stop juggling bill money around & be able to buy groceries without having to pray that the debit card clears.
Please help me out with this. I know that I ask a lot of you & that you are tired by the end of the day ~ but please, don't make me be the one who has to work a second job. If I have to miss any more time with my girls I think - no - I know that I would wind up resenting you, and that would severely damage our marriage.
Either suck it up & continue to sell your soul & ask your mother for help, or go find a job. No more "looking online" or posting online for jobs, after 3 months with no nibbles it's obviously NOT working. Get out, go to the stores and fill out applications.
I love you & I want to keep loving you. All I'm asking is for 20 or 25 hours a week, for you to leave and help our family financially. I need this. We need this.
Your Loving (and desperately stressed) Wife
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