Constance One Million

Family Funerals: Bring on the K-RAZY

2009-11-09T21:46:00.000-08:00

Last week my grandmother quickly deteriorated from: "Dang 82 is old dude" to "Damn, who knew a bladder infection could actually kill someone?" Apparently: Monday, healthy; Tuesday, sick & put on antibiotics; Friday, in ER unconscious with raging fever and Dr threatening ventilator; Saturday, my aunt calling family members asking them to say goodbye; Early Sunday morning, gone.

Oh yeah, Saturday was my birthday.

My family made a unified decision not to tell me about the impending doom so as not to screw up my birthday & my girls' halloween festivities. Either my InsaneAunt didn't get the message or didn't care as she called me that afternoon to tell me that my grandmother was pointing at my picture and they thought she wanted to talk to me. After InsaneAunt filled me in I had a quick (last) conversation with MomMom. She was unable to speak but I told her that I love her & what my girls were going to be for Halloween, what The Newbie is doing now & just generally tried not to sob big nasty snot bubbles into my cell phone.

As much crap as I give my husband, he never once questioned me as I told him "I have to be there, NOW." Within 8 hours we had packed up the car with enough stuff for 2 adults & 2 small children for 4 days & 18 hours of driving, taken the oldest trick or treating & cleaned the house so as not to come home to a tornado. (Also: we pack like we're traveling to a foreign country where Target does not exist.) We timed the trip so that the girls would sleep as we drove through the night, hoping to miss traffic & slide past sleeping cops. We were 3 hours out of town, 1/3 of the way through the trip when my mother called to tell us to turn around, MomMom had died.

She's been cremated and they held the funeral off for 2 weeks so that more family members could get to town for the service. And here's where the fun begins ::rolling eyes:: My grandmother has lived with InsaneAunt for the last several years (that's an entire chapter of posts). My cousins are grown with college degrees and well paying jobs and yet still depend on InsaneAunt & Uncle for a good portion of their disposable income. Their EntitledDaughter is 28 & still lives at home with them. They've sent their kids to Europe 3 times in the last 6 years, and yet gave me a tear-jerker speech last weekend about how paying the bills for my grandmother has been financially hard on them & they don't have enough money for their own phone bills every month. As it turns out, she has no bills & they've been relying on MomMom's $1,200 SSI check as additional income every month. Lovely right? My grandmother was upset about not having enough money to send me flowers when I gave birth, and yet their kids went to Europe on their dime .... *sigh* Their family lived with my grandmother for over 10 years after my grandfather died (without paying utilities or rent), in the guise of "Being there for her". You want to be there for a retired widow? Kick in with some rent chumps.

EntitledDaughter & EntitledSon are bringing dates to the funeral - a SMALL, family only funeral and they are bringing people they've only been dating for a few months & who have never met the family. They are only showing up at all because they feel guilty as I'm flying in with my 10month old & several second cousins are flying cross country for this weekend. If these two numbskulls can't manage to drive 2 hours to be at the funeral for a woman who they've lived over half of their life with, there would be a beat down like Vegas has never seen.

InsaneAunt is driving my mother batty & InsaneUncle literally pushed the funeral home paperwork toward my father so that he could be financially responsible for the funeral costs. Sweet, right? Thankfully MomMom had just enough life insurance to cover the cremation, inurnment and the service. She'll be buried next to my grandfather, in the plot she purchased after his death. It strikes me as odd that InsaneAunt & Uncle wanted to keep her on the mantle when there are 3 (THREE!) perfectly good, open plots sitting there that she purchased for our family .... hmm. Odd that my Down Syndrome Aunt, InsaneAunt & Uncle would vote to keep her on a shelf instead of burying her. Just odd.

The Newbie and I fly out Friday & come home Sunday. While I'm looking forward to 3 days with my family, it's going to be K-RAZY squared. Thankfully I have a bottle of xanax, since I can't smuggle liquor into a hotel room with my mother (OhGodSaveMe: I'll be sharing a hotel room with my parents. Iz 9 years old again.)

Is there a way to raise children for free?

2009-08-17T13:02:00.000-07:00

I am looking into a mother's morning out program for the Princess:

2 days/week
8:30am - 12
Follows the county school schedule for holiday breaks & goes until the end of the school year.

They have a preschool curriculum:
Reading/Class time (learn letters, numbers, Bible stories)
Art class (finger paint, playdo, etc)
Music class (minister of music does this one)

They do Christmas & End of Year programs - have an Easter Egg hunt, Thanksgiving feast, dress up party for halloween

They will help teach potty training

They do one snack midmorning & have playground time ....

$110/mo Less than daycare ... but still, $110 for essentially 8 days a month? Would she be there enough to justify the travel time (10 min each way) & fee?

I know in the grand scheme $110 a month isn't that much, but this will wind up being $1090 after it's all said and done. I don't have $1090 to blow for her to blow bubbles and smoosh playdough 7 hours a week, you know what I mean?

Brace Yourself!

2009-08-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

Are you ready? Are you sitting?

Really? Do you need a minute?

Ok - here goes!

I'm happily in love with my husband.

I went through and read over a lot of my posts in this apartment & man ~ I bring some bad juju here. If my husband stumbled into the building he would think I was on the verge of divorcing him & walking out with my paycheck in one hand and the keys to the (best) car in the other. I'm not sure if the kids would be on my hips ... I'm thinking the building might not have enough soundproofing to tamp down the Baby's cries at 2am, which would just piss of my neighbors who are trying to get a decent night's sleep (Hi Constance Neighbors!)

We've had a few good weeks lately. I was home sick and dying last week (ok fine, I could have posted at least 4 "OMG I'M ABOUT TO KILL HIM" tweets, but we all survived) but it was nice to have a week of family bonding with no stress about having to be anywhere or accomplish anything. We haven't had that in a long time!

I really do love him, and I appreciate everything that he does for our family. While I bitch and moan about the things that he doesn't do/doesn't do the way I would ~ I can't hold him to a standard that I haven't lived yet. The only time I was a SAHM was in the weeks after the girls were born ~ and when the Baby was born he was at home with me to help wrangle two girls. When I was home alone with the Princess it was easy to get things done while she slept, there was no one else needing me! It's not fair of me to constantly compare what I would do to what he does, because it's never happened. While I do remember that 90% of the time & I bite my tongue before I say something hurtful that I can't take back, I do come here and spill my guts openly and honestly. It's my personality, I have to have somewhere to spill it, but I don't want to say the words to him and there's only so many times my girlfriends can hear me whine before they muzzle me. So I come here and write things out ... but I worry that if he was ever to find this place, he would be very hurt to see a lot of things that I've thought/written in the last year.

I am grateful for our marriage. I know that things could be bad, r e a l l y bad. I know that we need some time to reconnect, but this is part of having small children around ~ your time alone gets sacrificed for a little while. I miss having him all to myself, but I love who he's become since our girls were born. I know that we are a strong team, and I know that we are committed to our family & each other. For that, I'm exceedingly grateful.

I won't drop who I am on this blog (especially because I can cuss and cut up here without fearing that my father will see it, as he does on my open blog) but I need to add a disclaimer:

*words said here in anger cannot be held against me later as, while they were true at the time, the anger died .002 seconds after the entry was created. This is an emotional outlet ONLY and 20 minutes of ranting here should not be taken as indicitive of my emotions during the other 1,420 minutes in the same day.

I just wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea about me over here. I am happily married, I do adore my husband and our babies, I do attend church (albeit sporadically lately). I am a breastfeeding, baby wearing, disposable diaper using, homemade baby food making, McDonald's happy meal loving Mommy. I opt to stagger vaccinations and let the kids eat processed foods with organic milk. I occasionally spank & let the Princess watch cartoons & Disney movies. I'm not perfect & I never will be.

And I do love my husband & I would be crushed to loose him. Ever.

Just wanted to make that clear ;)

MckMelodrama

2009-08-11T09:06:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about integrity in blogging lately ~ it started with the great grabfest that was BlogHer'09 and the tweets flying fast and furious about bloggers who are (essentially) in it for the "stuff". Whether it's swag bags, big corporate freebies, the money or even the adoration of many fans and readers ... bloggers who aren't in it for love but for the stuff.

And then MckMelodrama started on a (rather) large blogger's site

It was revealed through public records that a respected Christian blogger is in dire financial straights with having 2 homes in foreclosure in the last 8 months. She's called the police twice last year on her prince of a husband for domestic violence during her high risk pregnancy (both times he pled guilty with a lesser charge dropped). And her youngest child is in & out of dire medical condition of which she tweets. Constantly.

While I do completely agree with the Mckfollowers in that she does have the right not to discuss parts of her life on her blog (financial crisis, marital crisis, etc) I cannot condone her recent desire to downplay the revelation of her husband's multiple arrests for domestic violence/disturbance. It scares me to see any woman brush allegations of this nature under the rug ~ but especially a woman with so many small children in the home. These small children cannot defend themselves or remove themselves from dangerous situations should that need arise, I would hope that at the very least she's able to be honest with herself about the situation for their sake.

I, personally, would be too crushed to discuss one foreclosure on my open blog, two would be humiliating for me. I think at the very least we have to be thankful that she's not playing a "My child is very ill, my husband's job has suffered & we are loosing our house ~ please help! Send donations!" card. (Although that could come any day now, especially seeing as her local Fox station seems to love doing stories on Mcktrainwreck.)

While I don't agree with other bloggers who are crying "Munchhausen's!" over the situation, her son's health and treatment does give her a certain amount of attention, hand holding and adulation that she wouldn't get just being a mommy to 4 small kids & one (apparently stressed & angry) husband. Maybe that's not healthy ~ but neither is the unparalleled dedication and adoration of the Mcklovers

I've been watching Mckblog and several AntiMckblogs, watching the drama unfold and I have to say that I do feel bad for the girl at the center of this storm. It seems that she's trying to portray the life she wants to have and glossing over the reality of what she lives every day. No blogger is 100% honest about their lives - there are two sides to every story & even your IRL BFF keeps secrets about things that are too painful to look at. I would never want my life dissected the way Mckblogger's has been, but that's why I don't even allude to the idea that my blog is 100% of my life. 60% maybe .... 80% on a really good day. My issue with Mckblog is that this glossy veneer is purported to be her real life. She's alluded to the fact that there were marital problems & they are in counseling ~ what she's glossed over is that this was court ordered counseling on his part.

While I can see why her supporters would be upset to have their friend's troubles revealed openly, all of this information is public record and easily found. When Mckblogger stood up for responsibility and integrity in blogging during the April Rose situation, she opened herself up for the same scrutiny. When she began blogging the minute details of her son's medical care and giving blow by blow tweets, she opened herself up for scrutiny of her parenting & her handling of the situation.

All that being said, the venom found in her supporters defense statements leads me to think that "they doth protest too much". There are more people seeing the holes in Mckblogger's story, they just feel guilty - as if they are betraying a trusted friend to think that she's not worthy of the platform they've placed her on. But in truth, no human is worthy of the platform she was on last week.

Why am I working weekends?

2009-07-24T12:25:00.001-07:00

I fully understand that my husband feels his job as a SAHD is a full time gig. Even though I think it's more like a part time job ~ but I'll never say this to him because I would never want it repeated to me should I ever get the chance to stay at home to raise the kids.

Bear with me here ~ I'm not slighting 99.7% of SAHP's, but I think my husband has a pretty sweet deal kicking:

He & the girls don't get up until after 10am.
They do breakfast & then the Princess watches her cartoons in the back of the house while he takes care of the baby & gets himself ready for the day.
They play.
They do lunch around 1:30.
Nap time starts at 2:30 & goes until whoever wakes up. The Princess typically sleeps until 4:30 or so & The Baby ... you know how they sleep! There are days where she'll go down for 30 minutes and then days she'll go down for 3 hours.
I'm home shortly after 5 & the kids are handed off to me.

On a normal day Hubs has both girls awake for 5 hours (25hrs/week). Worst case scenario ~ 7 hours (35hrs/week).

When I get home there are dishes to be done from the day.
Laundry is only ever done on the weekends.
Cleaning is only ever done on the weekends.
Cooking is my department, rarely does Hubs cook dinner in the evenings & never until I get home.

I work (roughly) 8am - 5pm Monday through Friday with a one hour lunch (40hrs/week).

So yes, I get pissy when I get home & he calls out "Mommy's turn!!" and leaves me to handle the girls while he goes to relax.

Yes, I get frustrated when he sleeps in every Saturday and Sunday morning. Every. Until I wake him up sometime between 12 & 1. I don't wake him up before that because it's pointless, he'll just be grumpy & pissy and go back to sleep so I may as well leave him where he is.

Yes, I get ticked off when I have to clean up their dishes - or prepare and clean up dinner when I've barely been home 10 minutes and he's disappeared on me. And then having to hear "I can't cook with them underfoot & crying at me" ... well how the bloody snog do you think I make dinner?! With my magic fairy wand?!

Yes it irks me that weekends are called "Mommy's on Duty" and I am expected to take the children with me wherever I go. I get the guilt trips about "Why don't you take Princess to X, she hasn't left the house all week." Oh don't blame that crap on me - you have the better car at the house all day with car seats loaded up ~ you could leave this place anytime you wanted, but it's too hard for him to take both girls. And yet I'm supposed to be the pro at dealing with them alone outside the home.

It's Friday afternoon and I'm exhausted. I want to go home and lie down with an ice pack and a chilled glass of wine .... and yet I know as soon as I walk in the door he'll be waiting to hand the kids off to me & take his two days off (yes he does pick up the house & do laundry on the weekends and I do not help - this is payback for telling me he can't accomplish sweeping the floors during the week because the girls are in his way.) I know once I get home he will not take charge with the girls unless it's a medical emergency, or I badger him into helping me (for which I get a guilt trip and whining that could beat a 6 year old). I know that he Will. Not. touch a diaper. I know that I am up to bat for 60 hours, until I return to the office to draw a paycheck for our family.

I agree that his gig is full time.

He agrees that my job is full time.

So why am I the one left to work the weekend shift?

And yes, I pointed out the difference in our working hours because I'm jealous. I want to wake up late after snuggling in the bed with The Baby. I want to be able to take the girls to the park and the zoo during the week. I want to be able to be home with my babies ... I want to enjoy nap times too!

29 years after an adoption

2009-06-05T09:17:00.000-07:00

Last week I was contacted by an adoption blog who is looking for an adult adoptee to write about their experiences. She'd seen my posts on my open blog and thought I might have some insight that could be useful on her site. After emailing back and forth I don't think I'm what she's looking for; thankfully she sees this too & we can part as friends with an offer to have me guest blog occasionally.

This is a very pro-adoption website, they want to show the good sides, great results and offer support to bio-parents and adoptive parents (especially the waiting-to-adopt 'rents). She is looking for happy, breezy, supportive people to write ... I am more of the dark, twisty and conflicted style of adult adoptee. I don't quite fit the "happily ever after" image they want to portray.

October 28th will be the 29th anniversary of the day I was put up for adoption. You would think after 29 years I could talk about the birth family without a lot of emotion. Maybe I should be able to, maybe healthy adults can ... but that's not my reality.

I am at peace with the fact that I'm adopted ~ believe me ~ I've seen what I came from & I praise God daily that I was not left in that squalor! I think it's the fact that my daughter is approaching that same age that's bringing a new aspect to my experience. Seeing my sweet innocent girl, knowing that I would stab anyone who put her through those experiences ... I thought I had dealt with my anger, but becoming a mother made me see the bio-mother in a new light.

When I first had the Princess I softened toward the bio, I thought of how she must have loved me, wanted the best for me, had such hopes for me, how happy she must have been to have her third child. I thought of how hard it must have been for her to walk away, how I could never walk away from my baby, how I would never forgive myself and I would miss her every day for the rest of my life.

As the Princess reaches the age I was when that world, that family, fell apart the anger is coming back in different ways. How could she do that to her children? How could she place her children in situations where the state wound up mandating "sign over your children or we will take you to court and revoke your parental rights"?

There is no right way to handle these feelings. I've been through enough therapy to know that all I can do is get them out, face them, accept them and then walk away. It just feels so personal this time - to *know* that these things happened to you as a toddler is one thing - to have a toddler of your own & know that you would do anything to keep her from experiencing that ... I can't forgive her for not protecting me.

I can't forgive her but it's not worth hating her.

I'm not the happy "Yeah I met my bio & we are bestest friends now!" story that every adopted kid wants. That's just not my reality, and I can't forgive her for that either.

Open letter to my spouse

2009-05-15T12:31:00.000-07:00

Dearest Husband,

If you don't want to call your mother and ask her for financial help ~ then GET A JOB.

I love you. I love that you are staying home with our girls. I love that you are able to keep them at home and that you do the laundry, and try to keep the house clean, and occasionally have meals cooking when I get home.

I appreciate everything you do, and I'm so glad that at least one of us has the opportunity to be at home while our girls are so young.

That being said - we are broke. I know that you know this & there is no huge breaking news in that statement, but we are. I think you know how broke we are, but I'm not sure that you fathom the depth that is that brokedness. When I put off paying the light bill it's because I had to have gas to get back and forth to work, or because our daughter's needed diapers for their cute little tushies. I don't play with the timing of our cable bill for fun ~ I don't want to see what would happen if Sesame Street was unavailable for the month ~ I want to make sure that we have enough money to buy the groceries to keep our daughter fed. When I buy the cheap paper towels, it's not to drive you insane ~ it's so that we have another $3 available to buy more bread or cereal. And yes, I refuse to buy harsh toilet paper. If I have to cut every other luxury out of my life I am at least going to be comfortable when I wipe damnit.

You've told me before that you would get a part time job in the evenings to help us out ~ well it's time to step up & pitch in financially. We don't need much extra a month, just a few hundred for groceries and gas money. I would love to have a bit to buy clothes for the girls (or God forbid - myself) but for right now, I just want to be able to stop juggling bill money around & be able to buy groceries without having to pray that the debit card clears.

Please help me out with this. I know that I ask a lot of you & that you are tired by the end of the day ~ but please, don't make me be the one who has to work a second job. If I have to miss any more time with my girls I think - no - I know that I would wind up resenting you, and that would severely damage our marriage.

Either suck it up & continue to sell your soul & ask your mother for help, or go find a job. No more "looking online" or posting online for jobs, after 3 months with no nibbles it's obviously NOT working. Get out, go to the stores and fill out applications.

I love you & I want to keep loving you. All I'm asking is for 20 or 25 hours a week, for you to leave and help our family financially. I need this. We need this.

Your Loving (and desperately stressed) Wife

The Birth Story (The Middle)

2009-03-20T10:53:00.001-07:00

If you haven't seen it yet, you may want to start with The Beginning

After being kicked out of the OB's office we were on our way to the hospital with directions to "Go to the hospital, go directly to the hospital, do not stop at check out and chit chat - go NOW!", we headed off to find breakfast. What? Hubs was hungry & I didn't want to hear him whine about it all day. I figured it would only mean 20 minute delay for him go to Chick-Fil-A, drive through for some food & head on to the hospital. Given the state of my every-4-minute-contractions it would only really amount to about 5 extra contractions and wasn't that worth NOT hearing "I'm hungry, I'm starving, I want food, how long is this going to take I'm hungry all ready" for the next 6 hours before my delivery. 5 contractions or a life conviction for murdering my husband. I picked the lesser of the two evils. Besides, I was in no big hurry to get the IV's started.

By the time we got to the hospital (around 9:30am) to check in I was starting to feel the pain. BTW: VERY different from the first kid. I didn't make it 4cm with her without screaming for an epidural. I was hurting with the Newbie, but nothing I couldn't focus & breathe through. Anyway. Turns out I was Number 12 for check-in that day & there were another 4 scheduled to come behind me. I was number 7 on the c-section list, unless I was bumped by an emergency. They were only on number 2 in surgery at that point. It was going to be a while. We settled in, only to quickly realize that there were no good seating options for Hubs, he was on caffeine withdrawal, and my contractions were starting to ramp up on the pain scale. Quickly. Over the next hour we met several nurses who seemed to be trading off patients as different deliveries began progressing ... we quickly realized that they were short staffed for the large influx of girls who decided to go into labor that day. By the time the anesthesiologist came in I was begging for drugs, sooner rather than later, as these contractions were getting a bit more insistent on working. I could see his eyes darting back and forth to the baby's heart monitor as I was requesting the sweet nectar of a Stadol (morphine, crack, anything would have worked at that point). He left us in peace with a pat on my foot, promising to find something to ease my pain soon.

Twenty minutes later a nurse blew in stating that we were getting this baby out NOW! and throwing a set of scrubs at Hubs' head. He was to change & follow the delivery train quickly. In retrospect I can now see that she thought we were informed as to a major development, while in truth, we were riding blind to the fact that the baby's heart rate was fluctuating wildly with each contraction. The nurse who set up the heart monitor turned the volume down while she was going through her "Welcome to the hospital" procedure, she didn't turn it up again afterward and I never thought to do so. The monitors were sitting behind my head so Hubs and I never gave them a second thought. The nurses on duty at the front desk noted the problem and called my Dr who placed me at the top of the delivery line & sprinted across the street to start my surgery. Just looking back and thinking about those moments causes me chest pains, I can only thank God that we didn't know - and that the nurses did.

I was rushed into surgery and was given my spinal while multiple people ran around prepping the OR suite, Hubs stood outside waiting to be ushered in. I was trying to crack jokes and stay calm, all the while knowing a large needle was being pushed into my spine ... I never question the beauty of an epidural or spinal until THE MOMENT it happens, at which point I almost chicken out, but then the pain reminds me that relief is worth the momentary fear! Within just 3 minutes I was ready to go, Hubs was in the room and the Doctor was flying in with his gown open and flapping behind him. The nurses were rushing to wrap him up as he was testing my spinal and telling me that the baby was ready to go Right. Now. Still, we were in the dark, everyone thinking that someone else had told us she was in trouble. They must have thought we were uncaring pricks for cracking jokes while our daughter was in danger. Hubs and I shared a moment of "I love you's" and "OhmyGod how fast do they do this?!" just before we heard the Doctor saying that he was almost there, he had her in his hand & she was out - I took my first deep breath in 9 months when she let out her first scream, followed by the doctor's words "hold on, she's wrapped in the cord" and the nurse saying the cord was around her neck. I stopped breathing. They rushed her to the isolet to check her and Hubs went to follow, while I obviously had to stay behind.

We were able to see our sweet new daughter for just a few moments and then she was rushed off to the nursery ... again, everyone thought that someone else had told us why.

Birth Story (The Beginning)

2009-03-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

Since I got the plus signs on all those pregnancy tests last May, I had this nagging feeling that we just wouldn't be ending the year with a bouncing baby. I couldn't shake the little voice in my head that kept warning me this could end badly. I tried to chalk it up to fear, since we had lost babies before in miscarriage, but even after as we passed 14 weeks and knew that the baby was healthy - I was still scared. As we entered the third trimester I freaked out any time the baby didn't move for more than two hours. Waking up for potty breaks meant that I couldn't go back to sleep until she moved, for fear something had gone wrong during the night.

I changed OB's at 30 weeks to utilize my medicaid coverage (my original OB wouldn't accept it & I couldn't afford the $2000 we had to pay her by Thanksgiving). I had no idea that changing to a new doctor would likely save the life of my baby.

My 1st OB had been relaxed with my blood sugar test since I was So. Incredibly. Sick. Since I couldn't keep the nasty glucose drink down, she told me to watch my sugar levels for one month & then decide if we really needed the blood test. Two weeks later I was in the New OB's office showing him my sugar tests ... and he flipped out. Within the week I had seen the top perinatologist in our state & was put on twice daily insulin injections. The whole "To c-section or not to c-section" was decided for me when they discovered that the amniotic fluid levels were far too high for a safe vaginal delivery (oh that's why I looked like a beached freakin whale at 31 weeks). At 31 weeks I was seeing the OB once a week & the perinatologist every 2 weeks. I had more ultrasounds in those last 6 weeks than most women get in 3 or 4 pregnancies. I was told that they were worried about the baby's health & safety because of the fluid levels & my sugars. They wanted a NICU team on-call for the delivery & I would not be allowed to go into labor on my own, and so my delivery date was scheduled for December 29th at 9:30 am. The Doctors wanted December 23rd but I begged for one last Christmas with my only child & they agreed so long as I called them the moment I started to feel contractions.

Funny thing about those contractions. I never felt them. I felt a few around 35 weeks and told the Peri about them, who said to call the OB as he was not responsible for catching babies. When I told the OB he laughed & said "Wouldn't that just figure?!" By the next Monday, at my 36 week appointment, I was 3 centimeters dialated. The OB called the Peri & there was a long discussion about the safety of allowing me to continue this pregnancy. In the end it was decided that the Peri would see me on Wednesday & give his vote, I was to return to the OB on Friday for another check.

By Wednesday afternoon I knew I did not feel well. The Peri looked around, noted that the baby had flipped position A G A I N (I think we noted this was at least the 10th time in 2 months). I wondered how on earth she could still flip when I could barely breathe. He voted that her lungs looked healthy by u/s, she seemed to be big enough and he would sign off on an early delivery.

Thursday morning I woke up to snow. In a state where there has not been any significant snow accumulation in over 10 years ~ this was a BIG. DEAL. My office was still open as roads were not closed yet, but my boss agreed that given the state of my contractions, my coming in to work was probably not the best idea. I got to spend that day home watching my daughter play in her first real snow fall. Thankfully she got cold quickly and we were able to come inside before too long!

My best friend came that afternoon, planning to stay the night. She was going to keep the Princess while Hubs and I went to the doctors appointment. I wasn't planning on meeting the baby that day - but went along with the "Plan As If We Are" plan as directed by Hubs. The fear was that the snow would ice the roads & shut down the whole area .... which basically happened. Government offices, schools and most private companies closed. Thankfully my OB opened for possibly birthing girls. Our 20 minute drive became an hour long as we were routed past any bridges (never realized there were 4 between points A & B). During that lovely drive we realized I was having contractions every 6 minutes. By the time I got up to reception, they were closer to every 4.

My OB saw me in the hallway and remarked that I looked like hell. Hubs agreed, and their consensus was that today should be our delivery date. In 20 minutes that was confirmed when I was found to be at almost 5 cm dialated and almost 80% effaced.

We were given our choice of hospitals with 2 having openings at that moment. Since there were 3 more laboring mommies in the office, wherever I picked was where we were all going. I picked the one that could get us in fastest & we all planned on a 3pm delivery. The other option would have been almost 6pm for a c-section .... this was barely 9am .... there was no way I could last that long with no food or water, 3pm it was!

Things I Can't Talk About Anywhere Else

2009-03-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

I haven't been around here much in the last few weeks because well, I've had a baby hanging off my boob & that kind of deters internet access for me ... but I've also had Hubs hanging off my shoulder & that really impedes my ability to come on this little site and vent. Oye. I swear it's like I birthed him too some days.

So. Things that I will be ranting on around here in the coming days & weeks:

Birth control: 'cause I am NOT having another kid for a while.
Sex after pregnancy: 'cause I need to know I'm not the only one.
Sex and breastfeeding: 'cause I need to know how in the hell that's supposed to work.
Hubs UP MY ASS: 'cause I need to come to terms with this whole "till death" idea some days.
Money: Dude, money. Need it & ain't got it. Why can the government write checks with no money & yet I'm not allowed to. How on earth to save it. College fund is a wha' now?
Exhaustion: 'cause I'm living in the fog of no sleep for 12 weeks & none on the horizon
Happy-all-the-time Mommy Bloggers: 'cause I just don't get them.
In-Laws: 'cause there should be a law about how much shiz they are allowed to create/inflict/wield upon your life.

I do want to apologize for the incredible number of "holy-shiz-I-can't-stand-pregnancy" posts from last year. I wish I could have balanced them with other happier thoughts, but on many days, there were none to be found. I stopped writing on my open blog for several months simply because I had no positives posts floating around in my head. I hate to think that some poor preggy girl/wanting to be preggy girl stumbled upon my diary & thought "Holy crap how evil is she?!?!" But in reality, yes, for the large part - I hated pregnancy. I love my happy & healthy child ~ I would go through it all again in a heartbeat for her; but I'm not convinced I would go through it again for some unknown child. Does that make any kind of sense?

This is the space in my life where I am allowed to truly be open and honest. This is where I get to stop the censoring & admit what I'm really thinking. It's not always pretty, and it won't make everyone happy ~ but I need this space. The things I say here are true within the time they are written & my feelings are subject to change, even within the hour the post is made, so please don't judge me based on one moment. But (to quote the former therapist) I own these feelings & I won't change them to make others feel better.

So ~ to balance the admissions of meanness with prettiness, here you go!

I'm so crafty ...

2008-12-14T21:30:00.000-08:00

I made a person!

Big sister seems to be less than thrilled ....

Will follow with details soon ~ we had a rough start, but she's strong and healthy despite the 3 week early appearance. She wanted to beat the holiday traffic so she took an earlier flight!

12/12/2008

11:50am

6lb 6oz

19 in

"Mommy's Little CSection Scar"

Karma's "Kick Me" Sign

2008-12-03T10:05:00.000-08:00

I think the universe has stuck a "Kick Me" sign on my ass, I just can't see it to take the freakin thing off already!

The last few months have just felt like we've been kicked and battered and beaten up on, and there's no end in sight. I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy hormones making the hits hurt more, or if our life is really just at this point and we are really just .... screwed.

I'm trying to remember that my husband is healthy, my girl is healthy & that in 26 days we'll have a brand-spanking new girl (who is rumored to be healthy as well).
I'm trying to be thankful for the fact that we do have a roof over our head & (if these people will work with me) we have electricity & water & phone service for the next month.
I'm trying to remember that there are moms out there who really don't have any groceries in the house ... our pantry may be low, but it's not bare by any means.
I'm trying to remember that there are kids who won't be getting anything for Christmas ... Hubs & I are skipping Christmas for ourselves, but our daughters won't go without.
I'm trying to remember that eventually this too shall pass ~ but how long will it take to pass?

I know that our lives could be so much worse, infinitely worse ... but that doesn't stop my worrying about the money, how we will survive and how we'll make it to the next payday.

Hubs and I batted the idea of putting the girls in daycare & him going to find a real full time job again ... and then I priced daycare for 2 kids. We may as well take a paycheck and burn it on the front lawn for all the good that would do us. Even if he found a job making the kind of money he used to make (HIGHLY unlikely around here at this point) we would still only walk away with about $600 a month after daycare costs ~ then add in the gas / lunches / dry cleaning / pediatrician and prescription co-pays that we aren't currently paying with him being at home. It wouldn't equal out to enough money to make the stress & hassle of daycare worth it for us.

Oh. And then our second car died & any hopes of second jobs flew out the window. We've had it looked at & SURPRISE!!! The last shop that worked on it didn't fix a key thingy & now the car is worse ... it's seriously cheaper to get a new engine than to have the damn thing repaired.

I'm 9 months pregnant. My spouse & toddler are home bound. I work 40 minutes from the house.

My hand to God, if my water breaks at the office ~ I'm going to wind up killing someone.

Setting the date

2008-12-02T11:56:00.000-08:00

Next to setting the date for your wedding, there are few days in a woman's life that will thrill them to no end. With the exception of setting the date of your unborn child's eviction. That date ROCKS. There's no special ring, no lavish celebration, no big poofy white dress ~ but hopefully there is a very sweet anesthesiologist in green scrubs willing to shove a large needle into your spine in hopes of relieving you of any and all pain. *AAAAAAH* I love an anesthesiologist! I should have married one of their people ... they get the good drug hookups.

Come to think of it, when we have to push a 6+ pound person out of our vajayjay's ~ why is there no flashy ring, no lavish celebration or a big huge cake waiting to be devoured at the end? There should be confetti & balloons falling from the ceiling with all manner of festivities and fireworks exploding outside our windows. We just birthed A PERSON. An entire little being just ~~ripped through~~ sprung forth from our body thankyouverymuch. Where the hell is our parade & Vanity Fair Oscar party?! The girls who birth those massive 9lb+ kids should get a freakin check from Ed McMahon. God love you ~ that's a freakin Olympic achievement right there.

The moral of this story is that my tiny renter's eviction notice has been announced & she has 28 days to vacate the premises or we're coming in there after her (literally, we're having a c-section - they are going IN to get her!) As of noon on December 29th, I will no longer be pregnant ~ I'll be fat for no good reason with a belly that looks like a half deflated Macy's day balloon ... but the heartburn & vomiting & insulin shots will be GONE!! WOOHOO!!

Oh yeah ~ and we'll have a baby ...

Um, can I opt to keep her in for a few more years? I may not be ready for this yet.

The post in which I cancel Christmas

2008-11-19T11:20:00.000-08:00

I will be playing the role of "Scrooge McDuck" this year.

Seriously ~ with a baby coming AT Christmas, a toddler to provide for & a house with one income ~ I'm cancelling Christmas for anyone that I haven't given birth to.

I told MIL & my Mom to take our names out of the family hats, don't get us anything - but especially don't expect anything from us this year. We are too broke to be buying presents for adults with their own checkbooks who make more than we do & I refuse to pull out the last of my credit cards just so that they can feel loved. If you don't already feel it ... well bite me, I'm too busy to kiss your tail!

This year is all about scaling back expectations ~ for ourselves, our families and (gulp) our daughter(s). Baby New Year will be getting diapers ... and the bassinet, new (BPA free) bottles, pacis and a stuffed puppy. Basically things she'll need to survive in our house once she arrives. The Princess will be getting a toy vacuum cleaner, fridge magnets, a new bath toy, and a Little Einsteins movie for her stocking stuffer. All but the Little Einstein movie were purchases I made last year & put away for this Christmas when I realized how overboard we went on her at one year old .... ya' know, back when we had money.

Oh, Santa is bringing her an Elmo Live & Baby New Year will be bringing her a Cabbage Patch Doll.

Please tell me this sounds like a respectable showing for a 2 year old ... keep in mind this doesn't include the clothes, kitchen center & play table that her grandparents are getting her as well as any presents that my parents send for her. I may be Scrooge this year, but my kid doesn't need to see that side of me until she's at least 9. Maybe 8.

Hubs & I have decided that while Santa may not love us this year, maybe the tax man will. Since we know that we should be getting a decent tax return this year (thank you my extra little write off!!) we will use part of that money to get a family Wii.

We put our Christmas on hiatus and cancelled on everyone else .... is that selfish?

Divorcing the In-Laws

2008-11-17T12:28:00.000-08:00

I want to keep the hubby & loose his family ... is that possible?

I knew these people were crazy before we got married. I have no excuse for not running far, FAR away, other than the fact that I am head over heels for their son. But that defense is wearing thin lately.

Both sets of in-laws showed up last night (which is weird enough in & of itself) but then they proceeded to basically sling attacks on everything in our life. By the time they left Hubs was so pissed that he's threatening to boycott Thanksgiving & I was in the bathroom in tears. I honestly don't know how much more of this crap I can deal with before I just blow my top with these people.

This time was partly Hub's fault for telling his mother about our decision to declare bankruptcy. He may as well have taken out a full page ad in the local paper & announced it to the entire city. His mother can't keep her mouth shut long enough to swallow water, why on earth he thought she wouldn't tell the entire family is BEYOND me.

His dad took this as an opportunity to lambast him about men providing for their families & how screwed up he thinks it is for J to be staying home with our girls. He told him that he needs to get out & find a job - it's my job to stay home with the kids.

I got lectured for not getting a job making "better" money. Lovely ~ I should be home with the kids, or in a job making more money ... Whatever.

We're not strict enough with the Princess ~ she should be getting paddled with a spoon & she wouldn't be pitching fits. Throwing a temper tantrum is normal for two year olds ~ I'm not spanking her for telling me that she's frustrated. When his dad popped back with "Well I would spank her for that crap" ~ I spouted off & told him "And you wonder why I won't send her to spend the weekend with you."

If we would just put the Princess in daycare she would be talking by now. She speaks just fine - she just doesn't talk to them! LOL Her pediatrician, my mom (a special ed teacher) & my aunt (a speech therapist) have all listened to her & said that she is FINE. She just goes too fast to say one word at a time ~ she's trying to say a paragraph! But according to his family ~ she doesn't say [i]anything[/i]. She said "Thank you Grammy" to them last night, clear as a bell ~ then they tell me that she doesn't speak ~ HUH!?!?!

Hubs should go work offshore to provide for the family ... forget the fact that he's had multiple surgeries on his arms & knees - there's no way he would pass the physical. They harped on this over & over again until I finally said "NO. I did NOT get married to be a single parent. I grew up with military friends & saw how hard those absences were on their wives & kids, I will not live that life. And since Step-FIL couldn't keep his marriage going while working offshore ~ that's not really a shining example for how wonderful that life is, now is it?"

But my favorite of the night ~ FIL telling me that there's no reason for me to have a c-section / no one in their family has EVER had one / I should talk to EvilSIL before I do this ... um, why? Did she suddenly become the top perinatologist in our state? I'm leaving this decision to the two very highly trained specialists who I'm paying VERY good money to get this child here safely. I don't care what EvilSIL thinks & I'm not asking her opinion or her permission.

We ended the night being told that we are ungrateful & rude children who won't take their advice, and won't listen to their elders ... Hubs told his mother flat out that he's not speaking to her anymore ~ if she wants to know anything she can call me (she can't guilt me the way she can with him).

And then I was told that it was irresponsible of me to have gotten pregnant, I should have been on birth control. I bit my tongue before I reminded them that they see their grandchildren by my grace and kindness & that can be changed very quickly ... I would love to say that I would never take them away from his parents, but if they say this stuff TO us ~ what do they say behind our backs, what would they say to our kids?

His mother has been blowing up my cell phone since 10:00 last night when she got home ... his step-mother has had me on redial for the last 2 hours. I'm not in the mood to deal with either of them. I just don't care any more. I know we should probably suck it up & go to Thanksgiving & play nice ~ but I don't think I have "nice" left in me anymore. Anger + Hormones + a carving knife would end in a new headline for the morning paper!

I want a divorce, I just want to keep the hubby in the end ... is that too much to ask?

In case I'm on the news tonight

2008-10-20T11:31:00.000-07:00

Just a shout out to all my Constance Apartment girls ~ I'll be smiling at you in my mug shot.

If this day doesn't hurry up & improve you may well be seeing me on the nightly news tonight. It will be under the headline of "Woman Castrates Bosses". Hopefully they will let me clean the blood off before the news crews show up.

I'm sure bail will be too high for me to pay, so it may be a while before I post again. Just know that I'm happily sitting back and remembering the screams of the men who've pissed me off.

Too bad they can't put me in the mental ward ... but alas, I'm sane. Just a little hopped up on hormones & man-hatred.

I think I may need to take a ~~mental health~~ sick day before I really do snap and loose it on someone around here.

Do you hide your vote?

2008-10-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

After the birthday party that devolved into a political debate this weekend ~ I'm forced to wonder how many of us hide our votes like the vodka in our freezers. Our families may *think* it's there, but they don't need to know the truth.

I didn't hide my political affiliation, but I was surprised at how many family members had hidden theirs. It seems that they were all waiting until there was another member of their "team" to back them in their opinion before they were willing to come out (so to speak).

I don't talk about who I'm voting for in general because I think it's a lot like religion. We all have an opinion, but I'm not in the habit of asking for a consensus before I decide where I stand.

Or maybe this is just my gut reaction to voting for an underdog ... seeing as I don't like the two main flavors being offered ~ I'm going for the strawberry vote this year. He may not win, but at least I feel comfortable & secure in where my vote will be going.

(My after-the-in-law-visit liquor is hidden in the bottom cabinet behind the cat food. Just in case you need a swig too.)

The rocks at the bottom are sharp

2008-10-09T08:25:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what it's like to sit at your kitchen table and realize that you are financially drowning, and that *this* is your rock bottom?

We have been floundering for the last 2 years, seeing the bottom coming but desperately trying to keep our heads above water ... with little success. We've tried a home equity line, we've gotten tax returns, we've used our 401K money. We've paid off our credit card debt twice in the last 6 years, only to have to turn to credit cards again later when another emergency cropped up. We've been faithful in our car and house payments, actually we paid off both of our vehicles 18 months ago.

And still, the bottom of the financial barrel has been coming closer and closer.

We both had good credit ratings until this last year ... until Hubs lost his job & tried to work from home. Doing contract work from home only works when the economy is good & companies are willing to pay you to sit at home and help them out. Turns out Apple is in a downswing & Hubs hasn't gotten any work from them in over 2 months. No need to pay him to help customers build computers when no one is buying them. We've cut back on everything from daycare to groceries. We've cut back on all the house bills that we possibly can (phone, electric, cable, etc). If I slice anything else out of our budget then we may as well become Amish!

So we sat down and reviewed our money situation ... for our family to survive and keep our roof over our head, we have to cut everything that doesn't relate to daily survival. Last Friday we did the unthinkable and sat down with a bankruptcy attorney to discuss our options. Turns out that even the federal government will agree that we are Baaaa-roke. We explained that in our 8 years together we've never been late on payments, we've lived within our means & we've had money in savings. We explained that we've paid off all of our debt twice, just to wind up back in debt months later when emergencies would appear. We've done the responsible things and tried to use every dime that we could scrounge to stay afloat ... but we can't deny the reality any longer. Either we take this step, or we risk loosing our house and making the situation 100 times worse.

I just don't know how we got here ... I thought we did everything right. We put money in savings, we put money in 401K's, we used credit for emergencies, our house has a fixed interest rate. We've both had jobs with insurance benefits and yet my portion of the medical bills for the last 4 years totals over $15,000 - and the kicker? I've had no major illnesses or injuries! My medical bills for this pregnancy will add another $8,000 to that total ~ and I have insurance coverage PLUS medicaid!

It was nice to see that our current credit card debt is less than $9,000 ~ but the medicals are closing in at $22,000 without my pregnancy bills. I'm in constant fear that we will be sued, and several of these bills have been turned over to attorneys who want monthly payments that are higher than I can afford .... when the option is to feed my child or pay their office, who do you think wins?

The sad part is that this really isn't a solid solution. It's not like this will free up $1,000 a month for us, we will still be broke - but at least we'll be able to survive off of my paycheck until he finds another employer.

Hopefully.

I just want to quit

2008-10-02T13:14:00.000-07:00

I just want to quit being the one in charge ... I want to quit being the one who has to be responsible for fixing everything.

I want to quit being the one in charge of the bills.

I want to quit wondering how I'll ever retire when I can't afford to put money in my 401K.

I want to quit being the one who worries about being able to buy groceries.

I want to quit being the employee who has to help all these needy freaking claimants.

I want to quit being sick and tired all the time. Seriously, always sick & forever tired.

I want to quit being the daughter-in-law who answers all the questions about "Why isn't he working?"

I want to quit being the wife who worries about "Will he ever work again? Can we survive on my paycheck alone? How will we afford a second child? What if I snap and kill him in his sleep one night?"

I want to quit being the mommy who's supposed to be happy and make my child's life happy all. the. time.

I want to quit being the gestational host for this little person who STILL makes me violently ill at least 4 times a week.

I want my life to be easy & fun again. I want to know that money will be there, one way or the other & it will all work out fine in the end.

I want to be happy again ~ without happy pills or alcohol. I want to feel free and alive again without worrying about every single little thing in my life.

So far 30 sucks. Being an adult sucks. Being the parent - ok being the parent doesn't suck, but knowing that their little lives and happiness rest on your shoulders, that part sucks.

The part where pregnant women can't take Prozac ... that part sucks big time.

I know I've been a downer lately and all my posts seem to be tainted with fear and exhaustion ... it's just getting really rough to keep being the happy person lately .... I'm sure this mood will swing again & happiness will be back (in a manic way!) soon.

A running theme in the apt complex

2008-09-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

As I've been poking through apartments, reading up on our collective thoughts and lives, I've noticed this running theme that we all seem to have - Money. Or rather, the lack of money & the stress it's causing us.

It's nice to know I'm not the only apartment floating in this particular boat ... and yet scary to think that so many of us look at our checkbooks and wonder how the bills are going to get paid with a bit leftover so that we can eat. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who may have made some stupid financial decisions, or got stuck in a rut of borrowing just to survive, or experienced job loss in a slow market. And then it's scary to know that there are so many other people in the same positions. We're supposed to be the country of opportunities & most of us are barely staying afloat anymore.

It scares me that I actually went to sign up for Medicaid to help cover the costs of having this baby ... I never thought I would have to do this. When we had the princess I had 2 insurance companies covering me & 100% coverage for every dime that pregnancy. I never once had to talk to a "financial counselor" before my OB appointments, I never wondered how we were going to pay the hospital bills & we walked out without worrying about how many new bills we had just created along with this new baby. And the kicker? We both had good paying jobs & could have afforded a few medical bills + daycare.

Now? One of the poorest states in the country agrees that my household is so broke that I need Medicaid's supplement to help pay for the birth of this child. That's just a big old kick in the teeth right there. I have a good job & make decent money, unfortunately it's only enough to keep my household running ... not enough to actually thrive & pay extraneous bills.

Before anyone gets their panties in a wad about my using government funds to help pay for a baby that I created ~ consider this: None of my providers accept Medicaid. My Ob's office doesn't take it. My home health agency doesn't take it. The hospital I want to deliver at? Nope. They won't take it either. I'll have to switch hospitals for delivery so that at least they will take it, hopefully. And my primary medical coverage will still be covering the bulk of the hospital, medicaid will only kick in to cover whatever is left over there. That's fair right? I've paid in taxes for over 14 years, the government can hook me up with 20% of a hospital bill ...

It is nice to know that I'm not the only one in this row boat ... I'm just wondering when that cruise ship is supposed to come in for all of us.

"Shut UP Alec Baldwin!"

2008-09-22T11:39:00.000-07:00

I generally don't care about the personal lives of celebrities, at least not enough to stop watching shows simply because of their presence - but Alec Baldwin has crossed my mental line.

After all of the news/paparazzi reports on his treatment of his young daughter & the voice mail messages he left her ~ I lost all respect for him. Had my husband ever left that type of verbal attack on my child's voice mail I would have been in court asking for all rights and visitation to be terminated. I'm not big on forgiveness when it comes to treating young kids like sh*t. The words that he said to her still play in my brain & I'm a grown adult who doesn't know him ~ so what effect do you think they had on his child?

His "interview" on 20/20 this week was less than forgiving. Blaming your ex for the alienation of your child isn't exactly ingratiating to the general public ~ especially when the story points out that after their divorce he moved across the country & away from his child ... is it just me or do most parents that want to stay connected Stay Near The Child!! Yelling that Kim has systematically alienated your child from you just makes me think that MAYBE if you hadn't treated your kid like crap, she would want to have more to do with you.

Seeing him win the Emmy last night almost made me throw my TiVo out the window ... ugh. So not worth staying up late to see ....

Maybe if I had more faith ...

2008-09-19T11:37:00.000-07:00

I could list out all the things that are wrong in my life right now (dude, the lack of money would SOOO top that list). I could whine about how crappy I feel (and I really do) ... I could tell you how deathly scared I am that something will go wrong with this pregnancy (there's no reason for me to think so, it's just an unshakable fear from nowhere) ~ but all I can think about is how maybe if I just had more faith, then maybe none of this would be wrong.

I was raised in a religious household where prayer was more than just for bedtime & the Lord's name was never taken in vain. If you were upset or there was a problem, you were told to pray about it. If Mom or Dad didn't know how to answer our requests, we were told that they would pray about it and get back to us. We were all in church 3 or more times a week (depending on group meetings, practices, etc), we knew the verses, we knew the songs & we knew the steps we were supposed to take to have a happy life dang it.

Somewhere around college I got off that path & took my own route through life.

I know that having faith & religion doesn't stop life from hitting you (Daddy's cancer, Mom's cancer, Grandmother's dementia, etc) but it's supposed to make those hits easier to bear. Or something like that.

Lately it seems like my little family just keeps taking hits, and while they are nothing large, it seems like I'm less effective at fighting them off. I used to be happy, easygoing person who saw the glass as half full ... now the glass seems to have a leak in the bottom somewhere.

Over the last few days I can't help but think "Maybe if I had more faith .... maybe if I hadn't left that path .... maybe if I really believed again, maybe then my life would be easier."

And then I wonder if even devout believers are beyond needing a little pharmeceutical boost every now and then.

Becoming my mother

2008-09-17T12:20:00.000-07:00

As the Princess has gotten bigger I've noticed little statements flying from my mouth without my brain even registering them ... little things that I heard my mother say ten gazillion times as a child.

Oh. My. FARK!!!

When did this happen?!

Did some gene turn on at her first birthday party that I was unaware of?!

Hubs & I have conversations about discipline ideas & parenting rules, what values we want to instill in the girls, plans of how to handle foreseeable issues ~ and through them all I hear my mother somehow taking over my body and speaking through my mouth. I'm fairly sure she can't separate herself from her body & I know she's in Virginia .... but somehow she's using my vocal cords to raise my child.

It's not that I don't appreciate how I was raised - Bubba & I turned out to be fairly well adjusted members of society - but it's the memories of how much I hated her growing up, that's what scares me.

My mom was ~~a tiny bit of a Nazi~~ ~~was confused for Hitler's daughter~~ very strict when it came to discipline. It was her way & there was no highway option, just BAM! Her. Period. (Daddy was there too but let's face it - he deferred to her wisdom in all things child-rearing.) Mom was creative and calculating in her punishments, you were never quite sure what you were in for but you could be assured it was going to huuuurt! Whether it was physical or emotional, she managed to tag you RIGHT on the ass. It's almost impressive to look back on ... and yet still, a tad hateful. She used her knowledge of our weaknesses as weapons against us & so I stopped sharing anything with her. She used her friends as spies religiously (I still can't believe some of them were so willing to help her out) and you never knew who she had reporting to her.

I don't want my girls to hate me or block me out the way I did with my mother. I know I'm not ready to hear my mother's words flying from my mouth ... I'm just hoping that when they do, they come across with more love and patience than I remember hearing.

I'm moving to an Ark

2008-09-12T12:54:00.000-07:00

Between Katrina, Rita, Faye, Gustav & now Ike ~ I'm thinking I need to move off of the gulf coast & onto an ark.

It would just be so much easier to pull up the anchor & wave bye-bye to the neighborhood during storms. Then we could evacuate & still have all our stuff with us. No calling the insurance company, no worrying over deductibles or flooded sewer lines, and no more listening to the neighbor's generator at 3am. When you are hot, sticky and laying in bed praying for a good stiff breeze through the open windows - the sound of other people's generators will drive nuns to start drinking.

We're not in the path of Ike (we already had our fun with Gustav) but we are in his return tour now. So far today we've had a bit of rain with a LOT of wind. If that's any indication of how big or strong he is, I'm thrilled to not live in Galveston. Early next week is looking good for more rain & wind around my house ... gotta love those flood watches.

Remind me that it could be worse ... we could live in the blessed north where it actually snows, but snow can cave your roof in ... right?

Useless Homeowner Association

2008-09-11T12:47:00.000-07:00

I swear, when we chose this neighborhood I thought a homeowners association was a good thing ... 4 years later I could watch the board members get evicted and I really wouldn't give a good holy crap about them. This board has gone through several members (my husband having been one of them) and the ineffectiveness has remained the same. Thanks to several "reigning" witches, the board is hampered in All. Their. Decisions. that aren't pet choices of the witches counsel. Now apparently the witches have just taken over and it's going to hell in a handbasket over there.

At the beginning of the year our covenants were being changed & they were asking for a 30% increase in dues, which has to be approved by a neighborhood vote. I paid 1/2 the dues and waited to see what would happen before I paid the rest. In their first meeting they were unable to vote because they were ONE household shy of having 60% participation. Fine, we go onto a second meeting with 40% --- but OH NONONONO --- instead they walked around the neighborhood going door to door pushing people into signing the new covenants and the increase into law. Since then they've refused to give an accounting because "It's a secret ballot" ... um, how secret is it when you came to my door & asked me to say "yes or no"?? Dude -- That's NOT a secret!!

Fast forward to this month & I get an unsigned, unaddressed letter shoved in my mailbox stating that they have already asked for our dues & if they aren't paid this week they are going to file a lean on my house ... Um ~ Excuse me?!

Don't worry about violating the privacy in collections laws.

Don't worry about violating federal mail laws in tampering with my mailbox.

I've sent a very restrained, very professional, fairly respectful letter to the board & Hubs is emailing it to current & several past board members. I know you're shocked - but I really did hold back on the full force of my feelings with this letter ... for what it will be worth. I want them to understand how their actions and tone create unnecessary strife within the neighborhood, but I want them to actually hear my words - not just brush me off as a hormonal slacker.

Hubs & I have talked this afternoon and one of us will be signing up to be on the board again next year ... after this letter I'm betting they would rather it be him & never have to see me again!

Diaper rashes and long cuddles

2008-09-10T10:37:00.000-07:00

I walked in the door from my long day at the office only to see Hubs with the universal "SHHHH" symbol of his finger over his lips. The house was completely dark, very chilly and the only sound was of a whimpering toddler somewhere in the den.

He quietly whispered that she had been fussy ever since her nap & he didn't know what was wrong. My brain quickly scrolled through ear aches, teething, growing bones; anything that could hit with no symptoms and leave a crying fussy child. She saw me walk in the door and I watched her slide off the couch to come get me. As I watched her, I saw the one sure symptom - walking bowlegged. My baby had popped her famous diaper rash during her nap. She doesn't get them often but when she does, she makes up for lost time. She gets the angry red, puffy, hot to touch variety that seems to come from nowhere.

She hadn't walked for Daddy so he hadn't been able to see the evidence, and there was no evidence of a needed diaper change when she woke up unhappy.

As we changed and doctored her poor angry tushie I comforted my girl and told her how close we were to done. I promised to make her better, I promised that the medicine would work quickly, I promised that the Tylenol would make it easier. We settled in the den with her favorite blanket and binkie, a cold pack under her tush and rocked in the dark and quiet.

Since she's been big enough to walk those long rocking sessions have been left behind for RUNNING! and playing with her toys. She climbs in our laps for a moment at a time, and then she's off again. The only time cuddles are acceptable is when she's too tired or too sick to run anymore. Last night fit both bills and we spent 30 quiet minutes just snuggling, smelling my baby's hair, feeling the weight of her heavy in my arms again. I knew that she would grow up and snuggling wouldn't be her favorite way to spend her days, I just never thought it would happen so soon ....

Doubting my decisions

2008-09-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

I'm hitting that point in the pregnancy where (at 24 weeks) I know that if something was to go wrong we could *try* to save the baby now, but there are still several weeks until we would really have a good chance of a happy outcome ... and I'm realizing that if something was to go horribly wrong, I would still have to go through labor just to come home empty handed.

I've had miscarriages at 12 & 14 weeks and those were bad enough. I have a friend who's had 2 stillbirths .... while I was in labor with the Princess it struck me that she had to go through all the same work, all the while knowing the heartbreak that was waiting for her in the end. I can't even imagine what that would be like, what that would do to your head & your heart.

A few weeks ago I opted not to have all the blood tests run to see if this baby had any defects. I have an aunt with Downs Syndrome & my mother has been a special ed teacher since the 70's. There's nothing you can throw at us that we won't be able to figure out, and anything physically wrong should show up on a sonogram - so I considered us covered & kept going. Now I'm doubting whether that was the smartest move.

I'm over 30 this time, I'm on more medications for morning sickness than I was last time (higher dosages this time), we have a toddler to think of & how this will affect her .... and wouldn't it be better if my heart knew that this baby was fine?

I keep reminding myself of the doctor's agreement with my decision "Since you don't like any of the follow up tests, there's no reason to scare yourself with blood tests that may be wrong." Hubs just nodded his head with whatever my decision was, he understands my reasoning. I don't want to do anything invasive that would risk the pregnancy & all the follow up tests carry a chance of miscarriage. With my history I would just rather not raise that risk any higher than necessary m'kay?

Suddenly in the last few days I've been plagued with questions of what if something is wrong? Shouldn't we find out now? Would we handle it better now, or would it drive us more insane to have 16 more weeks of uncertainty? What if there is a tiny ticking bomb in there that we need to know how to handle ASAP ... or what if absolutely nothing is wrong & my brain is just on overdrive?

I made the same decision with the Princess & everything turned out fine ~ so why am I so uncertain & doubting myself this time around?

I think we broke a federal law

2008-09-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

Constance the First was talking about needing a prescription, just for a little "as needed" chemical help. It was one of those posts where you know that your response would be a page long, so you just nod in sympathy & plan a blog post of your own to reply.

My best friend went through our area's mental health group last year because she had the same "I think I'm going a little over the edge, I'm not bat crap crazy - I just need a little pharmaceutical help to keep me from ramming my buggy into random cars to vent my frustrations in life" kind of feelings. She went to our shared general practitioner who told her that she could prescribe a daily course but it could take a month to kick in ~ anything stronger than that she really didn't feel versed enough on to feel comfortable prescribing. Hey, at least she was honest & said she didn't know, but here's the number for the people who will.

Best Friend did the "intake exam" where they evaluate your mental status (as in: can you wait a few days to be seen or are you about to take out your family with a 9mm?) She was told that she was sane enough to wait a week before she talked to the doctor. While comforting, it was still frustrating to have 2 appointments with no results. She went to the doctor appointment & was thrilled to be told "You are so normal." And then left with a monthly scrip as well as an "as needed" dosage of help. The doctor even told her that the as needed may be a bit strong & she could break them in half if she needed. She goes back every 3 months & evaluates how the meds are, if she has any new needs & to renew her prescriptions.

Around this same time last year I was having a few problems with Hubs. Ok more than a few. I actually mentioned the "D" word ... not to him, but I had admitted it to friends which, to them, spoke to how depressed I really was at the time.

Best Friend & I sat down and talked for a long time one night and I left her house with 12 of her as needed pills. I had been on that particular pill before so we knew that it wouldn't hurt me & she knew that I wouldn't take them. That's the strange part about my brain. I need to know that the help is available and then I'm able to handle the situation. I kept those pills in a bottle in my purse until my pregnancy tests popped positive this year ... they are now in my bedside table quietly waiting until I'm no longer pregnant or breastfeeding.

I did the same thing when we lost the baby, I did the same thing after having The Princess, I did the same thing in college ... I don't know why it helps me to just know that I have the bottle in the house ~ maybe knowing that I have the salvation available makes it easier for me to function.

So yeah. We broke a federal law & shared a prescription medication. And I have a small bottle of little blue pills waiting for me if I ever feel like cracking up again ....

Funniest part of watching politics

2008-09-04T08:25:00.000-07:00

I love to watch ~~celebrity~~ political kids

Sara Palin's 6 year old grooms her infant brother.

As soon as we saw it last night Hubs & I cracked up ~ he swore it would be on YouTube today ... and there were 10 versions of it plastered up before lunch time.

Kinda gross, very sweet ~ I'm wondering what Mom had to say about it this morning!

The lowering of the glass ceiling

2008-09-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

Back in the late 80's/early 90's girls heard the term "glass ceiling" bantered about as a woman's issue ~ basically, you couldn't see it - but there was a limit to how high we could really go in life. Our mother's may have told us that we could be anything we wanted to ... but that wasn't *quite* the truth. We could be anything we wanted to, but only if we could get past the men first.

Now it turns out that we have to get past other women too.

I was on a mommy forum the other day when Sara Palin's candidacy was announced & I hurried to post that "He picked a GIRL!!!!" YEAH!!! So what that it may be a clear stab at collecting the female votes, and yes the GOP may be using her (and her looks) just to get the under 40 male vote ~ but she's a female & a mom & she can fight for working moms! WOOHOO!!!

There aren't words to express how my stomach dropped when one working mom posted: "Well, I know that as a woman I am supposed to be able to identify with her. I just can't. I'm sorry. ... how can you be second in command of the USA and properly raise 5 children? What do you do when you have a child with a fever and a meeting about war planning? Seriously, I can't identify with her being willing to not be there for her kids."

Um .... WHAT?! I have to assume it would work much the same as the Obama's household, or even my own - the Stay At Home Parent takes care of the fever while the employee goes to the meeting. When she comes home she will give all the cuddles in the world & kiss the booboos & help with homework. Just like every other working parent in this country she will, unfortunately, have to miss some events while the SAHP picks up the slack.

God don't strike me dead for agreeing with Anne Coulter - but she made the good point that JFK ran for office with two small children & no one once questioned his ability to be a good father. Beyond that ~ Barack is hailed as a wonderful father who reads to his children at night & helps them with homework & sits on the front row of dance recitals. No one has posed the question that he can't be a good father and fulfill the job of president -- so why is Sara Palin's motherhood being used as a weapon against her? Mitt Romney has 5 sons & has never once had that used against him - just the opposite, his sons were considered to be an asset for his campaign.

Are we lowering the glass ceiling for our daughters now? You can be anything you want to be - so long as you aren't a mom at the same time. You can run a major corporation, just don't get pregnant while you're there or you may not have a job when you come back. You can be VP, so long as you don't take kids along with you.

Since when is it acceptable for motherhood to be considered a detriment for a woman?

Who's available to help me dig?

2008-09-02T11:11:00.000-07:00

I swear, if I wasn't 8 years pregnant and thought I could dig a grave - Hubs wouldn't be among the living today.

He smacked his knee on the baby gate last night & Oh! My! God!

Two tiny cuts, no bruising, no swelling - but he acts like it's the end of the world & he can't move. At All. This is the same knee he's torn up several times & I know it's his soft spot ~ but still ...

He spent the entire night flopping and rolling in the bed, trying to get comfortable I suppose ~ but every time he flopped, he woke me up. 23 weeks pregnant, having to pee every hour on the hour and you wake me up flopping around?! Dude, go sleep on the damn couch before I end your life.

At 5am I was wondering if I could just smother him & bury the body in the back yard. I'm bitchy & pregnant ~ his family would believe that he ran off & left me right?

I'm betting his mother wouldn't buy it though ... she'd be the one to rat me out to the cops. Nosey wench.

What I did on my vacation

2008-08-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

Not really a vacation ~ but I took a few weeks to stay in the real world and not live in my apartment (I think I need a new maid, this one leaves a lot of cobwebs ... and why is there an empty wine bottle in my trash can?!)

While I've been gone my baby buddha belly has gotten bigger, I've gotten more exhausted and lost another 3 pounds to the joys of morning sickness ... and I wrote out the story of my ill-fated love affair on my other blog.

Part 1: When the love of your life leaves
Part 2: The world crumbles
Part 3: The beginning of the pain
Part 4: The space between pain and healing
Part 5: Time heals all wounds ... sorta

And to top off the vacation ~ I read all 4 Twilight books. Cover to cover. In 9 days.

I think my eyes started to bleed on night 7, it started to get a little painful but I couldn't put the books DOWN!!!

So, that's where I've been, what I've been up to & why I've abandoned the apartment for a while.

On the up-side ~ DH has been surprisingly helpful and in a good mood lately. Stifling my material to spill to you girls ....

Marital Earthquakes

2008-08-01T07:15:00.000-07:00

What happens when the "Come to Jesus" meeting after effects have worn off?

I'm calling it an earthquake.

Hubs is slipping back into his pattern of slackerdom and using all the excuses in his arsenal ... fine. I can deal with that, it's part of the PMS all husbands seem to get, whatever. But when I get thrown attitude last night because "You're ALWAYS exhausted" Oh. Hell. No.

Has he missed the fact that my stomach is getting large? Does he forget that I am currently growing an entire human being with no help from him? Does he not think that this takes most of my energy and by 9pm I am too tired to even think about holding a conversation?!

I need HELP from my spouse right now, not a guilt trip about how rough his life is. Suck it up and keep trudging buddy, I am. I am so tired of hearing how hard it is to stay home with one kid, I really am. I would be so much more supportive if his staying home included cleaning, cooking dinner, doing laundry or paying bills. Then I would be inclined to rub his back or bake him cookies. All his whining makes me want to do is break his windpipe.

I just can't figure out if I'm really upset or if this is pregnancy hormones causing me to overreact. I don't want to loose my mind over minor infractions ~ not when there are so many larger ones for me to go postal over ~ but last night was that last straw in the camel's pack, you know what I mean? When I said that I was too tired to watch tv ~ he burst out with "You're ALWAYS too tired."

The camel's back snapped like a twig.

Much like the animals in California ~ I smell an earthquake coming.

The Great Motherhood Debates

2008-07-31T09:02:00.000-07:00

I never paid attention before I had kids, but in the last 21 months I've noticed that there are few "Mommy" topics that can rile women up as quickly as 1. Stay at home v. Working /2. How I had my baby (Aka Homebirth v. Hospital) / and 3. Boob v. Bottle. I had no clue how polarizing these three topics are and just how deeply the convictions run on each side.

I am a crunchy mom's worst nightmare ~ I work, I had her in the hospital with pitocin and an epidural & she had a bottle from 4 days old. I should be in jail for child endangerment by some people's standards, her asthma is because I was "too selfish" to breastfeed and HOW DARE I take medications while pregnant don't I know how horrible that is for my child?!?! (Take a deep breath people, all that yelling can make a person pass out).

There has been a lot in the press lately about homebirths versus hospitals, and both sides feel equally valient about why their team is best.

There will always be "Breast is Best" ~ but when that doesn't work you have to do something to feed the kid. Either they starve or they get a bottle, which one is preferable there?

And please don't start the SAHM v. WOTHM ... there are just too many initials for me to keep up anymore. My kid has had both options and honestly, I can see both sides of the coin and neither of them is the perfect answer all the time for every kid on earth.

None of these topics have one single perfect answer and every mother will always wonder if she picked correctly. You do the best you have with what you're handed at the time, and then you hope the rest works itself out in the end.

I'm so tired of being given the hairy eye when my decisions don't match up to another mom's, when suddenly they see me as toxic to their way of life and don't want to hang out with me anymore because *GASP* I spanked the Princess for running away from me and getting into the road. I'm sorry but a light and breezy tone doesn't cut it when my child is running into the path of a moving car. (She knew better and she had already been told not to do that once, this was her second [and almost last ever] offense.)

Oh wait ... spanking. That makes 4 Great Debates.

Lovely. More arguments to keep up with. I'm never leaving my house again.

An entirely different Mommy

2008-07-24T12:11:00.000-07:00

I just have so much less energy and creativity with this kid than I did with the Princess. With her I was brimming with decorating ideas for her nursery, name ideas, dreams, desires to shop & things to do ...

This kid has yet to get any of that mommy-in-overdrive attention. I don't even have the motivation to think about names yet. We don't know what s/he is yet so why stress, we'll deal with it in 14 days after the big REVEAL ultrasound. I'm not worried about shopping, I know what we need & we can do all that in one trip a few months from now. I'm not worried about decorating seeing as we already have a nursery set up & we'll just transfer the baby from the bassinet into the nursery after a few months. I'm not worried about transitioning the Princess into a big girl room because 1/ if it's a girl they'll share the room 2/if it's a boy, then we'll move her in Feb once the baby needs the nursery.

All the caffeine I refused to touch with the Princess ~ that's out the window. This kid gets coffee & Dr. Pepper like they're going out of style. I'm not craving the fresh fruits & veggies that I Had. To. Have. with her, this one wants barbecue potato chips & those Popsicles in the plastic sleeves (the ones that cost $2 for 150 of them). Have I mentioned that I LOATHE Dr. Pepper & barbecue chips on a normal day ... apparently this kid is just like it's father too.

Man this kid is SO not getting the same Mommy that the Princess got ~ maybe that's a good thing in the long run. I don't think I could keep up that intensity and have a toddler this time around.

I took Swistle's advice

2008-07-21T08:19:00.000-07:00

Apparently Friday night I turned the Hubs down! I wasn't even conscious, that can't be held against me (can it?) ... We started talking on Saturday after he told me why he was a tiny bit upset with me ~ I took Swistle's advice & asked him for a 3 minute overview.

I'll be darned if he wasn't happy to oblige a girl .... sort of.

My non-participation took 3 minutes .... my reciprocation took 20. Not quite the result I was looking for there.

We wound up having a long discussion on the changes in our sex life as a result of pregnancy & I'm not sure if I'm happy about where this landed.

His points:
Full out sex while preggy freaks him out.
He likes the idea of just the replacement activities.
He wants to feel closer to me, but the whole "baby on board" thing is a line he won't cross.

My points:
When I am in the mood while preggy ~ I'm REALLY. In. The. Mood.
His withholding the full enchilada makes me feel even grosser.
Our replacement activities are limited since I have a horrid gag reflex now.
I want to feel closer to him, but his picket line pisses me off.

And the dude has Got. To. STOP! initiating while I'm trying to get my REM sleep on.

We're trying to figure out a plan which satisfies all parties involved & requires a minimum of mess and time ... maybe we'll get there before Christmas. Is this a normal reaction for hubbies? I've tried to explain to him that he can't hurt me or the baby, even with all my other crappy stuff going on right now ~ having sex won't affect the pregnancy. He won't hit the baby in the head or break my water .... but he will not budge on this line. I would ask my IRL friends, but they already know far too much about my sex life ~ you people wouldn't know me if I stole your buggy in Target! HA!! (I would never commit that sacrilege!)

Is this normal or do I need to seek help for him?

How long is too long?

2008-07-16T13:13:00.000-07:00

You heard me whine about having the sex life of a turtle.

You heard my confusion just days later when, out of the blue, Hubs turned insatiable.

You know the ramifications of that rainy season.

You know that I'm not in the mood to be touched lately.

So knowing all that ... how long is too long?

Let's put it this way ~ the candy store has been closed since Baby New Year's conception. I'm 16 weeks along. It's been a long dry spell & the Hubs is starting to crack under the pressure*.

The problem is that I have NO motivation. None, nada, zip, zilch, zero. I have occasionally handled the situation on my own in a minimum of time (massaging shower heads were sent by God to help all girls. Get one tonight ~ you'll thank me tomorrow.) I'm just not interested in the "activity" itself anymore. It takes too long, it's messy & sweaty & damn it I'm tired & want to go to bed already.

If he could cut the production down to a 3 minute overview ~ I would SO be on board ... maybe.

Should I just suck it up, give it up & hope that the mood catches up with me somewhere before the end? Am I the ONLY pregnant woman on earth who isn't addicted to sex 24/7 and twice on Sundays? (Believe me, this is what his friend's are telling him & I'm going to have to kill them for that)

I went through the same thing when I was pregnant with the Princess. The sex fairy found our house for 2 weekends out of a 39 week pregnancy. Hubs was less than impressed with her visitation schedule then, at this point he's convinced she's just boycotting our house.

He hasn't figured out yet that I've paid her to stay away until Valentine's Day.

*Hubs has been very sweet & supportive ~ he's only mentioned the drought once & he's not harping or guilting me into anything. I just feel bad for him & wonder if this is normal or if I shouldn't just buck up & help a brother out before he starts to grow hair on his palms or something.

Leaked Batman Preview

2008-07-16T09:52:00.000-07:00

These kind of leaks normally get taken down quickly ~ so I can't promise this video will be around for long ~ but here you go!

VIDEO REMOVED BY SOURCE. SORRY!!

I CANNOT WAIT!

Heath Ledger & Christian Bale ~ Oh. The. Hotness.

Honestly, even if I hadn't liked every other Batman movie that's been made during my lifetime ~ I would still go see this one solely to see those two beautiful beautiful men.

If only we had a regular babysitter I would have some clue as to when I'll be able to go see the movie. This is one of those I'm not allowed to even think of seeing without Hubs, so no chance of seeing it until one of the In-laws can get up here to watch the kiddo for 3 hours or so. And since EvilSIL is spawning her 5th child today ~ it could be Christmas before we see them again.

If it weren't for the Batman movie that would be the happiest sentence I've ever uttered.

Visions of punching her danced through my head

2008-07-15T08:04:00.000-07:00

I need to write one of those NBC / Now you Know / PSA things. It will be directed at people who speak to very ill & unhappy pregnant women ...

"When your friend is ill, unhappy & about to vomit on your shoes ~ that is not the time to brag on how perfect and wonderful your own pregnancy has been. (chimes) Now you know."

I made the mistake of walking outside to check the mail & was waylaid by two neighbors who have seen the nurses coming & going from my house lately. I told them what was going on & that it's just my morning sickness kicking into an unholy gear.

I swear to you ~ I didn't get the words out of my mouth & the pregnant one started in on how WONDERFUL and SUNSHINY and INCREDIBLE her pregnancy has been. I think I saw a little fairy dust fall from her mouth while she was raving on how much she loves being pregnant.

Do you know how badly I wanted to punch that bitch? I'm not her biggest fan on my good day (she's one of the women who, while I was pregnant with the Princess, told me if I would just exercise more I wouldn't be so sick during pregnancy. Lovely. Would you exercise with the flu? No? I didn't think so.) Did she really have to say all that as I was explaining why there have been nurses at my house every day for 2 weeks?

I quickly excused myself and went back into the house to break down in tears without them seeing.

I feel so guilty for not already being bonded with this baby right now. I feel horrid for knowing what birth control I want to use in January ~ and yet having no clue what I want to name this child. And where will this kid sleep?! Not a clue. Haven't even thought about that yet.

By this point with the Princess we had already purchased her nursery furniture & it was being delivered. I had already picked out the decor & it was sitting in her closet waiting to be set up. I already knew that she was a girl (we had an emergency u/s at 15 weeks & they were able to tell us then) but we had "known" she was a girl in our hearts for weeks before that ~ this kid? Not a clue. Hubs was already talking to her & bonding with her ~ this kid? We have 24 weeks left, we'll get there eventually.

I was already singing to the Princess by this point & she had favorite lullabies the day she was born. Seriously, the "Little Black Raincloud" song from Winnie-the-Pooh. She's loved it since the day she was born & kicked to it inutero. This kid hasn't gotten any of those yet.

Is this just normal "second kid", less excitement, exhaustion kinda stuff ~ or is this morning sickness changing everything? We didn't have to work to get pregnant with this kiddo (unlike the Princess), does that change the pregnancy emotions?

I hate that girl for bragging on her wonderful (3rd) pregnancy ... I hate that I am not getting to have that kind of pregnancy. I hate that I'm jealous of that.

The poster family for non-traditional parenting.

2008-07-14T14:42:00.000-07:00

By now the whole country has heard that John McCain doesn't approve of gay couples adopting because "children need both parents".

And by now most people know that while, no, Obama won't agree to gay marriage - he will agree to gay adoptions. Although, shock of shocks, adoption is not a federal issue but instead, each state (and even private agencies) makes their own rules independently. So the president has no say in the matter. But it's a nice "stand" for him to make right?

And just realllll quick ... Mr. McCain ~ how does having two of the "same" parent make life any worse for a kid who has no parents ... or only one who doesn't want them anymore? Just a little query. No pressure to get back to me on that one.

So here are my thoughts. (That shocks you right?)

Hubs & I aren't exactly the normal nuclear family ~ He stays home & takes over the traditional SAHM role while I work outside of the home & bring in the bulk of our income. Come February 2009 he'll be SAHD with 2 kids under the age of 3. Send him your prayers as he will desperately need them.

How does it matter who stays home with the kids so long as they are loved, fed, changed, & played with on a daily basis?

Hubs would kill me for telling you this ~ but the guy makes a pretty good mom. He can cook, clean & do laundry. He can change diapers, pull hair up in pony tails & even sew up torn dollies. Granted I do better hair & my slip stitch is a little tighter than his ~ but so what? He can do all of that & still have time to snuggle on the couch watching Phineas & Ferb every afternoon.

He may not keep the house as clean as I would expect ~ but I'm not having to do it so I'm shutting up now.

He doesn't handle the multiple tasks as well as I think I do ~ but again, I'm not having to do it so I'm shutting up now.

If we were a gay couple ~ he would be the "mom" figure & I would play the role of the traditional father. Or we could be lesbian & I would be butch ... Ok I don't like this comparison anymore.

My point is ~ no Mom or Dad fully fits the traditional June & Ward Cleaver roles so who cares what's between your legs while you're doing the dishes or changing the diapers? Kids don't care the gender that their parents fill --- they just care that they have parents doing the job!!

Why is gay adoption a presidential stance? Shouldn't this be a no-brainer?

ANY loving & willing parents are better than shitty/non-existent ones. Even if they do happen to have matching genitalia.

Morning Sickness Hell.

2008-07-11T08:42:00.000-07:00

This is one of those posts where I could just truly be anonymous. Say the words & never see them again, close the book & never think about those dark corners of my psyche.

I hate feeling like this, I hate this sickness. I hate taking every step feeling like I'm on the deck of a boat and the waves are rolling beneath me with no release. I hate feeling like I'm going to hurl at any moment, and yet trying not to hurl because I tend to pee a little when I do (you REALLY wanted to know that part didn't you?!).

I hate being pregnant.

I wish I didn't. I wish I had the fun pregnancies where I only saw my doctor for scheduled visits. I wish I didn't have the fun complications of severe morning sickness & recurrent dehydration. I wish I didn't know what the ER in my hospital looks like, I wish I had made it to the beach this weekend. I wish I hadn't spent 6 of the last 8 days laid up with IV's & medications making it so that I can breathe without throwing up.

I really cannot express how much I hate to throw up.

I wish that I could post this anonymously because I don't want to remember that I said this in another year .... but I'm not sure how much more of this pregnancy I can handle. 15 weeks and 2 days in & I'm ready to tap out ~ and yet I know there are 24 weeks and 5 days of fun left ahead of me. So far I've had 4 pregnancies & each one has involved morning sickness in worsening degrees ... I no longer hold out hope that any pregnancy will get better, that I won't be sick next week or that any of these meds will keep me from hurling every 10 minutes.

I wish there was a color to describe how sick I feel right now ...

My lovely friend, the IV. My constant companion and nemesis.

My poor arm. This was 2 days ago when the IV was in my elbow (for 3 days). This was before they blew out the vein lower in my arm & then placed it in my hand. My arm looks like I have been beaten & I can't move my ring or pinky fingers. Is that normal?

This is the pretty blue Reglan pump. I'm not convinced it's working ~ but it's easier to tote around than the IV pole.

At least I get to be sick at home in my own bed right? It could be much worse & I could be stuck in the hospital, running up a bigger tab & watching crappy cable ... at least here I have my DVR & satellite to keep me company.

And I'm officially in the SECOND TRIMESTER!!!! WOOHOO!!!! One down baby!

Risking it all & running away

2008-07-03T21:28:00.000-07:00

I was put on IV drips yesterday for the dehydration (have I mentioned the horrid world wrecking morning sickness?) I was given a choice between home health care & hospitalization.

I have my laptop & internet connection ~ you can guess which option I picked.

So I have my IV & now my new friend "The Pump". It gives me a dose of anti-nausea medication every 10 minutes, the idea is that I'll never have a down-swing of medication & that should keep me stable & (hopefully) vomit free. I was on the same pump during my pregnancy with the Princess ~ it lasted 16 weeks & cost upwards of $18000. Yeah, I didn't put any extra zeros in there - you read that right. It cost less to give birth than it did to survive the morning sickness.

I'll post pics of my new boyfriend "The IV Pole" later when I get a chance ~ but suffice it to say that living with a toddler and an IV pole is just a ball of laughs. And then a few yelps as she grabs the freakin IV lines. OWW!

Ok maybe I should have opted for the hospital room ... but I wanted to keep my DVR & 300 satellite cable channels. I'm shallow that way.

SO. The home health care nurse comes back tomorrow morning & she's fairly sure I'll be able to come off the IV at that point. The plan is that as soon as she hits the door ~ so do we. We're leaving for a desperately needed weekend in Pensacola. I need sun, wind & ocean waves for a few hours. The inlaws are planning on tagging along & they'll help us with the kiddo ~ DH will be my personal cabana boy & I'll plop my preggy tail in a chair under a large umbrella & zone out for the rest of the afternoon. DH will be busy filling my water bottle & keeping me calm as the inlaws wander farther and farther out into the surf with my child.

As long as the pump works & I don't have to see what the beach ER's look like on the Fourth of July ~ I should be fine.

If not ~ I'll let you know if they have any cute doctors.

HAPPY FOURTH!!!

Constance Confessional

2008-07-01T11:47:00.000-07:00

We need a priest around here ... I think I may need to go to confession. I was really evil last night.

Brace yourself.

I hated my neighbors children.

I KNOW! Pregnant women & mothers aren't supposed to hate other people's kids right? I broke the carnal code of "Love thy friend's children".

But damn these kids bug me!!!

I was trying to relax on the couch with my Orville's cheddar covered popcorn & watching Gene Simmons Family Values (my love for the DVR machine knows no bounds). All of the sudden I hear all this yelling & squealing ... in my front yard. I look out in the pitch black of night to see my neighbors kids playing in the front yard ~ no parents around ~ two 4 year olds and a 9 year old. At 9:30 at night.

WHAT?!? Quit yelling in my yard & go home to your parents!!

To be honest, these three bug me on a good afternoon ~ but at 9:30 at night I don't like having anyone's kids around. Hell, mine goes to bed at 8 so that we can be done before I loose all patience for the night.

Hubs went out & told them to get out of our yard & go on home (right next door, not like there was far to go, but still). This was after I stormed into his office with a 15 minute tirade on small children, dark streets, my relaxation disturbance and several choice 4 letter words and inventive combinations for them.

Hubs thought it would be safer if he sent the kids home. I can't figure out why.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who can't stand other people's children. I realize this could be a handicap for my own kids in the future ~ but I'm just not the mom who loves everyone and makes cookies & has swim parties & lets the neighborhood kids run wild through her house all day. I'm the mom who doesn't like to do playdates with more than one kiddo at a time, and playgroups are like anthrax in my world.

I love my friends ~ but (some of) their kids are my kryptonite.

I'm going to suck when my kids hit the school years, aren't I?

Ok, now she's just screwing with me.

2008-06-29T18:51:00.000-07:00

This letter came in the mail yesterday:

Dear Son-in-law,

We stopped by the "home" of "Smuckers" in Ohio on our way home from the wedding - and came across these cooking gadgets and right away thought of Princess and your love for cooking.

We had such a ball with Princess! She was such a good girl - very tolerant of all the excitement. :-) She is so reflective of the loving care she receives from you. And oh, how she must love her daddy!! She couldn't ask for a better one.

So go have fun making pancakes for little Princess. These times that you two are spending together are priceless with incredible dividends in the future.

Take Care,

The in-laws

Um ... what the hell? Not that I don't appreciate that she's showing my husband some much needed appreciation for staying at home with the kiddo .... but, what the hell?

Even Hubs is a *tad* confused by this one.

Am I taking this too personally, or is letter this just that strange?

(And except for the names, I copied the letter exactly. Quotation marks especially. Just for your reading pleasure!)

Pregnancy skin that's far from glowing

2008-06-27T12:45:00.000-07:00

Unless you consider the green glow of a nuclear reactor pretty ~ this isn't cutting it.

I have never had dry / itchy / scaly / disgusting skin before. And HOW is it that my face is simultaneously dry-scaly-itchy & still manages to have an oil field on my nose & chin areas???

If I don't spend the rest of this year scratching my face off it will be a friggin miracle.

Maybe the puke-fest that was my pregnancy with Noodle was a small blessing. It kept me hot and sweaty so my skin stayed clear ... or I was too sick to care what my skin looked like & no one wanted to tell me that I had the flesh of a dehydrated lizard.

My entire body is itchy. Constantly.

I get razor burn now ~ how is that fair? I'm banning all sleeveless shirts from my wardrobe because the burn from shaving my pits is driving me insane. I look like the cousin of a primate scratching at them all day. Let's just say that the area south of my Bella Band will not be shaved for many many months to come at this rate. My neighbors already think I have crabs ....

I guess I'm just not meant to be the pretty, glowing, happy pregnant woman who makes statements like:

“I love it. It makes me feel like a woman. It makes me feel that all the things about my body are suddenly there for a reason. It makes you feel round and supple, and to have a little life inside you is amazing. Also, I’m fortunate. I think some women have a different experience depending on their partner. I think that affects it. I happen to be with somebody who finds pregnancy very sexy. So that makes me feel very sexy.”

“I had a C-section and I found it fascinating. I didn’t find it a sacrifice and I didn’t find it a painful experience. I found it a fascinating miracle of what a body can do.”

I really, really hate Angelina Jolie today. Why can't she be a scaly puking mess like the rest of the pregnant world??

Momentous Occasions

2008-06-26T12:49:00.000-07:00

Hubs just called to tell me that his dad called to chat (ok that's been happening more & more lately...strange). In the course of the conversation FIL asked Hubs about his training class for the new job with Apple, how the exam went, etc. Hubs told him that out of the 25 peeps in class, only 7 of them passed the final (one of which was Hubs YEAH!!!) .... but then the strangest words ever uttered by a parent came forth from FIL's mouth:

"I'm proud of you son"

*crickets*

I think the world stopped spinning there for a minute.

My first words upon hearing the momentous phrase: "Is he sick?"

FIL has never, but never ever not once said those words to Hubs. I'm not sure that he's ever said them to any of his kids. He says variations ~ you did good, well that's great, etc. But never uses that one word. It's an event that needs to be recorded for future generations.

Turns out his dad is impressed because Apple is trading at over $100/share lately. Go figure, he's impressed that Hubs hooked up with a money company.

But he said the words!!

My mother + pregnancy + the holidays = Oye.

2008-06-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

Someone save me.

My mother wants to come down at Christmas when the baby is born.

She wants to help us out.

Help me out & take that plane ticket money ~ hire me a nanny instead.

She has horrible osteoporosis & is not supposed to pick up anything over 10 pounds ... that would be the baby. She can help with the Princess, but since she's still very much a "carry me" kinda kid, there's not a lot Mom can do on her own, without one of us pitching in to help.

It's not even that I know my mother stresses me out, and Hubs really can't stand being in the same room with her for more than ten minutes at a time. Even that stretches his ability to be nice to the breaking point. I just dread having her there, feeling like I need to entertain her with something more than Fox news, and being exhausted from having a new baby & a toddler to deal with ... all while Hubs hides in the office and tries to ignore my mother's presence.

I can't tell her not to come see her grandchild & I can't tell her that we don't need her ~ but I can't take Valium while I'm breastfeeding either.

Can I just ask her for the Nanny?

Wedding Whining Post #I can't remember anymore

2008-06-25T09:34:00.000-07:00

Brace yourself. You're about to get a glimpse into how petty and jealous a 30 year old woman can be.

So we've talked about how supportive my parents were with my wedding.

Bubba got married last weekend ~ and it was absolutely gorgeous & perfect in every way.

And then I found out how much my parents *really* contributed.

Oh. My. God.

My wedding present was $500 toward the price of my wedding gown & the 3 of them flew down & spent 2 nights in a hotel. TaDa.

Bubba & his lovely bride were given::

A catered rehearsal dinner complete with appetizers and fully decorated.
A photographer. A GOOD photographer. For 6 hours.
Fresh flowers for the ceremony. SIL's parents were going to do fake flowers which upset her, so my mother told her to get what she wanted & just send her the bill for the florist.
Rented tuxedos for the 6 groomsmen.
They provided 6 hotel rooms for 4 nights for family guests.
They INVITED family & friends to the wedding.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?

They didn't lift a finger when their own daughter was THE BRIDE ~ but when it comes to making the Groom look good they are all over it like icing on a cake. Me, Hubs and his family covered every copper penny of our wedding. I looked like a jackass of a daughter-in-law who's parents wouldn't even show up for the rehearsal dinner to meet their son (they couldn't leave town until after work & after Bubba's classes were over for the day) ... they took 5 days off to be at Bubba's wedding ... but hey ~ pull out all the stops for your son's wedding ~ barely show up for your daughter's. That's fair.

Daddy made a 5 minute speech during the wedding, talking to my brother about his responsibilities as a husband. I could barely get him to stand with me long enough to give me away & throw my veil back.

Daddy made a speech during the reception (as best man) ... they barely spoke to anyone at my reception.

After the ceremony Mom was upset that they didn't ask me to sing (insert rolly eyes here) The bride's middle sister sang .... I don't know what SIL did to that girl in the past, but after that performance they have GOT to be even. Wowza! That was just brutal. She did things to that song that a dying cat wouldn't have been able to accomplish.

My parents wonder why we have a strained relationship .....

The kindness of strangers, the pissyness of family

2008-06-24T13:44:00.000-07:00

Why do I long for a vacation ~ until I'm on one? Then the only place I want to be is home.

In my defense, my vacations are always spent as "family" vacations with either my parents or inlaws. Everyone knows that is no vacation. Vacation is defined as getting away from people who bug the ever-loving-daylights out of you ... taking said people with you defeats the friggin purpose.

The wedding went off beautifully, the child behaved PERFECTLY, I was able to relax in the mornings while her grandparents spoiled the crap out of her & showed her off like a beauty queen. It would have been a wonderful weekend, except - you know - the whole presence of family & even fish stink after 3 days. What? You've never heard that saying? "Guests, like fish, stink after three days." They weren't guests, but you get my point.

God love her ~ I couldn't have paid the Princess to behave any better than she did. Her position as favorite child is safe for another six months! She pulled out all the stops to be charming & sweet & cuddly in public - and then passed flat out the minute I laid her on the hotel bed. Poor baby slept naked in a diaper for 3 nights. I wasn't about to risk waking her up just to put pj's on her.

And Northwest airlines ..... Northwest can kiss. my. butt.

3 hours late getting home AND they "lost" my stroller. Great. How do you loose luggage that's been gate checked??

But I'm home, the Princess made it through without falling apart & no one puked on the plane. Even though I wanted to.

Desperately.

Stupid turbulance.

Oh NOW he gets all noble

2008-06-17T10:43:00.000-07:00

For months hubs has been acting like my trip with the Princess will be no big deal ~ we'll hop on the plane, be there in 2 hours & get the rental car - what's so hard about that?!?!

No he's never flown.
He's never been in an airport since 9/11.
He's never gone on a trip with a toddler for more than one night.

I started packing last night & he walked in:

H: You're never going to fit it all in those 2 bags. There's no way.

Me: Well I have to - the airline won't let me take more than this & the stowed bag can't be more than 50 pounds.

H: Well use the bigger bag as your carry on.

M: Um, no - it won't fit in the overhead compartment (At this point I'm thanking God that I'VE flown before - otherwise we would be screwed)

He then proceeds to argue with me about item placement, what bag will hold the electronics

Me: I need to keep them with me because they will get treated like crap by the baggage handlers & keep in mind, I'll have to show them to security.

H: Are you kidding me? Why would they care about your camera??

Me: Preaching to the choir dude.

H: Well put your makeup stuff in the carry on & that will save room in the big bag for your shoes.

Me: Nuh-uh. You can only have like 3 ounces of anything gel or liquid in the carry on & they have to be in the tiny bag that ~ again ~ you show to security.

H: WHO MAKES THIS SHIT UP!?!

Me: Again ~ Preaching. To. The. Choir. And don't forget -- I have to tote all of this crap & our 30 pound child with my horrid aching back & horrid horrid morning sickness.

H: I quit. I wonder how much it would cost to FedEx this crap.

Later, after we spent 2 hours wrestling with bags, item placement, how many times you can fold jeans to try and save space, how many stuffed animals we could shove into nooks and crannies, and still saving room for the last minute "Holy crap I forgot _______", Hubs went to hide in his office.

He's now decided that he wants to go with us, this is too much for me to do on my own & he'll suck up the hatred of my parents to be there for me. NOW he's all noble. 3 months ago when I wanted him to suck it up, shut up & just go along for the ride ~ not so much.

Lucky for him - his nobility isn't being tested. The tickets are now $550.

I need his help, but $550 worth of it?

(Just for the record: FedEx would be a whopping $127 for a 20 pound box to get there on Thurs afternoon. I'll just wrestle with the stupid bags & save my cash.)

Speaking of "Oral"

2008-06-12T08:07:00.000-07:00

So the other day C the 1st mentioned that her Mom spilled the beans about her knowledge of b.l.o.w.j.o.b.s.. I think we all screamed a little inside hearing about anyone's Mom speaking of such things. I mean - ICK. There's a difference in having the general knowledge that anyone's mother *could* be doing such things ~ and then knowing whether your own mother does .... excuse me I have to go throw up real quick.

Ok, all better.

C the 1st got me to thinking: Someday my daughter is going to learn this aspect of sex, and ohmygod I need to hurl again. In like 30 or 40 years the Princess is going to have a guy expect one of those.

There are things that I hope my daughter learns about sex ~ things which I have no clue how she will learn because I have absolutely no intention of being the one to tell her.

I hope she learns that:

It's fun. It's really fun.
It can be a wonderful part of your marriage when the sex is great.
When it's awful it can cause divorces.
Trying new things is never a bad thing ~ but to never do anything she's not comfortable with.
NEVER under any circumstances let anyone take pictures of her - or take pics of herself to give to anyone.
NEVER under any circumstances let the deed be taped. Even in marriage it's just not a good idea. Divorces happen and those tapes get "lost" ... or stuck online for the world to see in an act of vengeance.
NEVER Swallow. It can give you cancer.

You think I'm joking??

Oral Sex Blamed for Rise in Throat Cancer

Go look ~ it will make you very very happy to have been the prude in your high school class.

Nice girls suck.
Great girls ~~swallow~~ catch cancer. Just say no.

I wonder if I can get her godmother to teach her this stuff .... there's no way in Hades I can have that kind of conversation sober ... or without having a heart attack halfway through.

Get your nose out of my maternity bra

2008-06-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

"Why would you have an epidural?" *insert revulsion and disgusted expression here*
: Because I was in PAIN you masochistic heifer. It wasn't like I was snorting a line of cocaine, I had 2 doctors standing there promising me that they would make me feel better. I drank their koolaid & loved every drop.

"Well you are going to breastfeed this time aren't you?" *insert silent accusations of unfit motherhood at will*
: Can you take your nose out of my maternity bra & quit worrying about what's in my kid's stomach please? Worry about your own kid sitting over there eating dirt, then we'll talk about the perfect food mkay?

"I didn't take any medications while I was pregnant with my perfect angel." *again, insert revulsion and disgust*
: Well lucky farkin you. I'm glad you suffered through sciatica and contractions without even a Tylenol. You're Zena the Warrior princess and I pale in comparison. Gimme my Zofran and shut the hell up.

"All induction does is increase your chances of a c-section."
: Really? Oh well. After 3 weeks of near-constant-not-working-for-crap contractions, I was just begging for the kid to come out already. Either way, I didn't care. All I wanted was to have a healthy baby in the end. My induction made that happen ... finally. I'll have to pray the next one goes as well.

"C-sections are only done to make the dr's life easier."
: Hmmm. So when my blood pressure was bottoming out & the Princess' heart rate plummeted for those few minutes, the Dr would only have done a c-section to make her own life easier. Good to know. Next time I'll fight for my heart attack & make the doctor really earn her paycheck.

"Oh, so will you be getting your tubes tied if this one's a boy? I mean, you don't really want a third do you?" *insert innocence and horror*
: Only if I can cut your tongue out first.

"You just need to watch what you eat and you won't be so sick."
: KISS MY QUEASY, CONSTIPATED PREGNANT ASS YOU NOSEY BITCHES.

Why do I even talk to people while I'm pregnant? All they do is piss me off and make me homicidal. Give me a female judge & one pregnant woman in the jury & there's no way I would be convicted for beating these idiots with my purse.

On the upside: I'm down 15 pounds. How am I lighter when I'm pregnant than any other time in my life??

Sex And The City Movie SPOILERS (& discussion)

2008-06-04T07:12:00.000-07:00

I'm warning you now: If you haven't seen the movie & don't want to know details yet - WALK AWAY. I love you, come back tomorrow & we'll talk about sex and something else. I promise.

But today ~ I have to talk to someone about this movie!!!!

If you're still with me ~ let's talk!

While I had heard rumors that there were several boom mike slips in the movie - I still wasn't ready for ALL of them! My gosh! How did the editors miss that many?! About 90 minutes in they were all over the freakin place!

Some of the scene cuts were a little odd. I'm wondering how many deleted or edited scenes we'll have in the DVD release ... there weren't many of those kind of flaws, but they were fairly glaring when they did show up.

They couldn't have shoved one more designer label in this movie if they tried. Good grief. I know it's SATC & New York & Shoes Shoes SHOES - but the clothing designers were never that prominent in the show. Not to the extent that they are in the movie. It was almost distracting at some points.

The whines are over. And whoever was sneaking around to peak "accidentally" at some spoilers has surely gotten bored & left by now ~ so let's talk about the good stuff!!

The story line was PERFECT. There was a big "truth" of the movie, much like the show, and the ability for two dear friends to learn it at the same time, together & not involving the men was truly a SATC girl moment. That & Big were what viewers were looking for - and they captured the magic all over again.

I am slightly confused as to why there was less sex in the movie than there ever was in the show. NOT that I'm complaining ~ I just wasn't expecting the movie to be cleaner than HBO version! I don't recall seeing one pair of boobies in the whole movie. Correct me if I'm wrong (I had my head down trying not to hurl through several parts, I may have missed a flashing or two.)

I've always loved the friendships within the group best, the dynamics of two women away from the pack. Miranda & Carrie have always been the core duo within the group. They manage to have this extra bond without alienating Charlotte and Samantha, that's a balance that makes or breaks many group friendships. It's a hard line to walk and the four of them do it with an enviable grace and ease.

Ok ~ Miranda and Steve: Seriously, Steve cheats & DOESN'T expect his hard-nosed-black-&-white-lines-attorney-wife to take it badly? Am I the only person who was screaming (internally) at him for even telling her? Don't yell at me ~ Everyone uses the line "I felt like hell, I had to tell you, I never wanted to hurt you" ~ well then you should have made sure I never found out & just let this eat away at you. THAT would have been punishment for you without hurting me. Now I have to kill you.

Charlotte ... other than the pregnancy (which they showed very little of except the fake ass tummy) & supporting her friends ... she really didn't have much to do. Her little girl is cute though! And Harry with the baby "It's my lot in life to be surrounded by beautiful women!" God love him ~ I love his character. And Evan Handler does a superb job in the role. He's my favorite baldy!!

Samantha & Smith ~ HONEY! There were women throwing popcorn at the screen when she left him. I get why & I understand & she wouldn't be Samantha if she wasn't a little self centered ~ but DAMN. He was just hot. Hot & Sweet and really freakin sexy. But Samantha was honest, after spending 45 years alone before him ~ 5 years with him was great, but it was time for her to move on by herself and be herself again. But when the dog ate the sushi as it fell off of her ... that was just wrong!

And Carrie and Big .... Chris Noth is just .... WOW. The moment in the library when he told her he couldn't do it was breathtaking and heartbreaking all in one. How she managed to go 8 months with never speaking to him WOWZA!!! THAT was in the script ~ cause in real life she would have been hunting him down and cutting his junk off. You know it's true! After 10 (?) years of on-again-off-again, multiple break ups, all the fears, the Vogue shoot ~ and then he leaves her on the library steps 3 minutes before she was going to walk down the aisle?! Oh. Hell. No. If she didn't kill him one of her friends would have. One of my friends would have at least. He made THE big screw up ~ and he knew it the second he made it & wanted to take it back that very moment. And then he waited as Carrie realized that she made a pretty big screw up of her own too. And sent her love letters until she came back to him *SOB* OK so she went back to a $525 pair of never worn shoes ~ but he was there, with her shoes, and they both knew they screwed up & sigh It. Was. Perfect. It never would have happened in real life ~ but it was a perfect fairy tale wrap up.

Samantha's 50. *eyes bursting from their sockets* Enough said.

Charlotte's "pookipsie" in Mexico was PRICELESS ~ but Carrie's line later, as Charlotte worried about her truly surprise pregnancy, "Honey, you shit your pants this year, it doesn't get worse." was a line that all of the girlfriends in the room could completely see telling their dear friend. And yes, as the pregnant friend in my group I heard "It could be worse, you could have shit your pants!" the Whole. Way. Home.

Desperately searching for a new topic

2008-06-03T12:41:00.000-07:00

I just realized the last 4 out of 5 posts here have been bitching and whining about my morning sickness.

While this stuff is the pits & I do fully believe that I am allergic to pregnancy ~ I'm tired of thinking about it. Yes it's getting worse, yes I'm on the meds, no the old home remedies don't work on me. If you can think of it, in the last 3 pregnancies, I've tried it. And it didn't work.

And if anyone else tells me to just drink ginger ale I'm going to shake up a bottle of it & point it in their direction.

But hey ~ 9 pounds lost! WooHoo right?!

So ... um ...

Holy crap. There's nothing else in my life now.

I've become that pregnant woman who's head is so far buried in the toilet bowl that the rest of the world ceases to exist. I haven't worn makeup in a week. This is quickly becoming a crisis now when I can barely muster the energy to brush my hair or care if the clippy matches my outfit.

I did however drag my sick tail out of the house to see the new Sex And The City movie last weekend!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I spent the first 15 minutes in the bathroom because the obnoxious beast next to me was eating farking PICKLES during the preview ~ even though my girls stared death ray darts through her ~ she refused to stop at just one. I had to miss the intro or I would have spewed on her ... the smell of pickles was bad enough without adding that to the mix.

And to my credit ~ my hair was brushed & my clippy matched my pants that night.

We'll talk about the movie later --- but IT!! ROCKED!!!!!

The male thought process: does it ever work?

2008-05-28T12:22:00.000-07:00

When the Princess was 1 month old Hubs put his foot down and said that she was going in her own room ... this was coincidentally right after he put his big toe into her pack-n-play and cracked the sucker. (Toe, not the PNP) I ~~felt bad for him & caved~~ agreed & spent the next 3 nights sleep training our child. NOT a task for the faint of heart ... or a father as I soon found out. He wanted her in her own room & yet I was the one sleeping on the floor of her nursery as we waged war against closing her eyes and just. going. to. sleep. After the 3rd night she laid down like an angel & we've never had issues with sleeping in the nursery since then. God love her.

Now the Hubs seems to have rethought the process & after 18 months of peace I hear "I wish she would sleep in here and snuggle with us some nights."

Yeah, that doesn't work with her. She sees Daddy & thinks "WOOHOO TIME TO PLAY!!!" And she spends the next hour acting like she ate Mexican jumping beans - as I try to dodge 4 very long arms and legs in the dark.

Last night was a rough one for me, my morning sickness seems to kick in at midnight for some unGodly reason. I was finally comfortably sleeping at 3am until I hear "MOMMA!" Huh? Who? Where? Why are you standing on my bed and what the hell has your father done now?

Oh goody goody gumdrops. A toddler come to share my bed and kick me in the head and flop around as I try not to puke all over the bed. And a husband standing there saying "Well she wanted you. She wouldn't go to sleep for me, she can sleep in here with us tonight."

No. No, she won't. She could. But she won't.

And as it happens every single time ~ he brings her in & I wind up being the hard ass who gets pissed after the 3rd time I've been kicked in the back so I end up toting her back to her crib & plopping her down for the night. And as it happens every single time ~ Hubs is snoring before I make it back to my own bed.

Why does he think that she'll magically sleep this time when historically - She never has before. Why does he think this time will be different? Why do I have to be the one to take her back to bed? I was ALREADY ASLEEP ~ how is this mess my job to clean up?!

Patrick Dempsey Sex Addicts Anonymous Meeting

2008-05-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

Ok so not totally anonymous since most of you know me. But still.

I think Patrick gave me an orgasm last night. Can tv do that for women? I thought that was more of a Playboy-n-beer-alone-in-the-house guy kinda thing.

Eh. There's no way it knocked me up or gave me an STD, so I don't care.

I have never wanted to be Ellen Pompeo before (I like my boobs & she has none) ~ but this scene would be worth trading lives for ... for like 3 minutes. That & the paycheck she gets for all the hard work of kissing Patrick. Yeah, that must be just sheer torture.

I swear that man could have the world's worst halitosis & I would probably still want that kiss.

Or maybe not. They say Clark Gable had horrible breath. Knowing that kinda ruins those kissing scenes in Gone with the Wind for me .... screw it. Patrick's hot enough to overcome the stigma!!

(I know of no reports that say he has halitosis. If I ever hear of any I will be sure to pass the information along to you. PDSAA promise.)

Has he completely lost his mind?!

2008-05-21T07:35:00.000-07:00

I woke up yesterday morning to some bleeding ~ which I was trying not to freak out over. I did the same thing with the Princess & it was nothing major, I called the Dr's office just to let her know. I thought it was probably safer to have it noted on my record just in case it got worse or happened again. Everything was kosher until the nurse made the comment "Well, the heart tones were a little slow last week. With this bleeding, why don't we go ahead and bring you in for an ultrasound and check viability, ok?"

1. No one told me the heart rate was slow. (118bmp)

2. The new ulcer on the upper right side of my stomach just introduced itself as Dave & apparently he'll be the ulcer for this child. Lovely. (The Princess' is named Haley. She's in the mid south section.)

My best friend came with me since Hubs was unable to make it on such short notice. Baby looks great & the heart rate is nice & strong at 140bpm, the yolk sac looks great, they couldn't see any reason for the bleeding on the u/s. Saw the Dr & had the cervix checked ... there has to be a better way to do that than having someone sitting there staring up your hoohah. If men had to do this there would be a camera system & 4 different kinds of technology to keep a dr's head out of that area. It's just wrong. I digress. Cervix looks great. I know you were dying to know that part right?

I went home & laid down, trying to rest & relax as much as I can ~ Hubs was wonderful & helpful about everything.

By 10pm I was spinning & nauseated again so I fell asleep with a cold wet rag, hoping I could keep dinner down for the rest of the night. Again, Hubs was wonderful & helpful.

At 3am he rolled over to "cuddle" .... I know this cuddle move. This cuddle move is what got me in this position. WHAT THE HELL?!?! DUDE!!! NO! Not only have I been bleeding for a good portion of the day ~ I've already had a big assed sonogram wand & a dr's hand stuck up in there today. I have met my weekly quota for things shoved up in me & I am NOT in the mood to be helping a brotha' out.

I tried my best to not have to turn him down & then broke the mood needing to pee ... and coming back to curl up with a pillow. Eventually he rolled back over to his side & I was able to fall asleep.

I knew I should have told him I'm on pelvic rest *picture my eyes rolling all over in my head*

She's so helpful

2008-05-19T14:18:00.000-07:00

I spent most of the weekend propped up in the recliner with a cold rag on my forehead praying for the world to stop spinning. I was trying to eat saltines and keep my Propel down which proved hard to do with a ~~puppy dog~~ toddler standing in front of me during every. single. bite.

Hubs: HEY! You kept down a whole sleeve of crackers!

Me: Not so much. Watch.

Sure enough I pulled a cracker out & the Princess' spidey senses could smell the salt from across the room. She came trotting over right as I took a bite. Knowing the drill I handed her the rest of the cracker & she wandered off to play.

Me: She's doing her part to make sure Mommy doesn't gain any weight in this pregnancy.

Hubs: She did the same thing for you last time too!

Hahahaha

It's all fun & games until Mommy starts puking.

This next kid better come out of the womb knowing how to hold onto some food or his sister will starve him out. (Or her, whichever)

Live to eat, eat to hurl, and start again tomorrow

2008-05-12T14:23:00.000-07:00

more cat pictures

I post this in love for my WW girls ~ I'll be joining you as soon as this sweet little bundle of morning sickness vacates my womb. 6 weeks along & I'm already watching my ass balloon out like the Micheline blimp over the Superbowl (do they still have that blimp btw?) I've only gained 2 pounds so far but none of my work pants fit anymore. They are fine to zip up & walk around my house in, sitting in the car is a different story. I know I have a "muffin top", but still! (HORRIBLE name for that, it ruins the loveliness that is the top of a crunchy gooey muffin ... yuuuum) Anyway. Where was I? Oh yeah. My spreading pregnant ass. Joy joy. I can already barely zip my pants & by the end of the day I look like I'm about 4 months along. This cannot be happening this early!! I have summer clothes to fit into people!

I only gained 9 pounds with the Princess. This was preceded by the loss of over 30 pounds due to 39 weeks of horrendous & life altering morning sickness. I'm almost afraid I will get hit by that again ~ and them I'm scared that I won't & I'll wind up topping the scales at 300 pounds before this pregnancy is over. Then I'll get stuck on the delivery table & no one will be able to help me up because I'll be a fat bloated pig of a mommy with a deflated belly, sagging boobs and overactive hormones which cause me to eat us out of house and home and then I'll wind up on that Discovery show "Brookhaven" or whatever that home is for the really really fat people who can't loose the weight & celebrate loosing 100 pounds even though you can't tell because they have like 600 more to loose. *INHALE*

Yeah. The hormones have run rampant & I'm back to worrying that I'll be the fatest woman the delivery floor has ever seen. But I have 9 months until I get there, so why worry about that today, right?

Until then I'll be reveling in the glory that is mint chocolate chip ice cream, tollhouse cookies and huge cold glasses of milk.

WHAT?! Don't show me that finger! I'll be puking it all back up in 20 minutes anyway. I may as well taste something good in at least one direction!

For all the Daughters-in-law

2008-05-08T12:02:00.000-07:00

Saw this, thought of all the daughters-in-law in the building!

Pass the Febreeze

2008-05-04T20:27:00.000-07:00

Oh. Please. God.

This gas is going to kill me. And I don't mean the kind that goes in the car.

Hubs swears that I had this when I was preg with the Princess ~ but I don't remember this! I know toward the end it was every man for himself (don't you just feel for the people who will be Christmas shopping with me this year?!) But in the beginning ... not so much. Apparently this is the worst time in my life for burping & fumigating small countries.

The joys of pregnancy. This is one of those lovely side effects that no one warns you about.

I don't know how people miss it though.

Oof. I must be gestating a boy ~ girls are just not this mean to their mothers.

Where the hell'd I put that Febreeze?? Please tell me I'm not the only pregnant woman that could shame a restaurant full of truck drivers!!

Why is a wedding an excuse to be rude?

2008-05-03T20:54:00.000-07:00

At any other time in a woman's life we are supposed to be kind, accomodating, helpful & sweet. But slap a fat diamond on a girl's finger & pick out a certain date ~ and she has a Carte Blanche freedom to be rude or generally bitchy until midnight on that date.

I don't get it.

Yes it's a big day. Yes it should be a momentous occasion ~ but that's still no reason to forget common decency & kindness. I mean come! on! Just because the florist brought red roses instead of blood roses for my bouquet ~ I didn't yell at him. I rolled my eyes & then remembered that "I'm getting married! SQUEEEEEEE! That's all that matters."

It seems like more & more brides are taking offense to children of "any" age at their wedding. The general concencous seems to be that either A) they will be noisey, make messes & fuck up my day or B) they will take the attention off of me and fuck up my day.

Oh. My. God.

I just want to take these girls aside & ask them: Are you planning on having children? Have you ever heard of Karma?

Do like the rest of us did & get the Sitters for the church ~ if you don't want kids at the reception then get Sitters for that too. Cheap & easy. Order the little punks a set of pizzas, set up a few videos & let them scream to their hearts content while their parents hug & fawn all over you in the ballroom. No hurt feelings, no missing friends, no one left out just because they procreated prior to your wedding.

Yes my brother & his bride have asked for "No children under the age of 10" ... I didn't know you could make an age cut off there. They've made an exception for my kiddo but my family & I have made arraingements to have 2 sitters to watch her during the rehearsal & the big day. Personally, that was the least I could do for myself, it just so happens to help the couple out as well.

What annoys me off are people who think it's just so stinkin easy to leave a newborn at the house with a sitter. Um. No. Newborns are the exception to "children" rules. They require their mother & not all of them are just happy to be left with Granny or a sitter. This trend seems to be cropping up in more chat rooms, with more bridal discussions, with more people who's babies are refused entry to the ceremony.

If a kid is small enough to fit discreetly into a carrier & can be *basically* counted on to sleep through the event ~ why reject them? They need their moms, you want your friend at the wedding ~ is it that much of a sacrifice to make to have an infant exception?

Weddings are about the creation of a new family ~ new families = kids. So why are people kicking kids out? I had a 1:3 kid to adult ratio at my wedding ~ none of them stole my thunder & none of them made messes or screwed up my day. But again, we had sitters & prepared for their presence. We did this because our friends & families have kids & we didn't want to leave any of them out of our big day.

**I totally get not wanting toddlers in the room ~ anyone with toddlers can grasp that one I think!

A question for the SAHM crowd

2008-05-02T11:29:00.000-07:00

Don't get me wrong ~ I get that being a stay at home parent is rough & that toddlers are no picnic on their best day. I really do get that (That's why I'm here at work in my quiet office! LOL)

But SERIOUSLY!?!?!? Don't most SAHP's handle the housework?

I have yet to have a SAHM friend who leaves the entire day's worth of dishes in the sink! Dude, working dishwasher - not even 3 feet away. That's all I'm sayin!

I adore Dh. He's making a huge sacrifice for our family & I appreciate that ~ but in all honesty ~ he wanted to come home & start this company. It was his idea to keep the kiddo at home & he adjusted so that he could just work a few hours in the evenings after her bedtime. That's all well & fine & I'm happy for you ~

But Oh! Dear! Heavens! Don't expect me to come home & clean up your messes every night!! I understand dividing the heavy cleaning (windows/bathrooms/floors/etc) I'm great with that, I like to split that stuff no one feels jipped. But coming home & cooking our dinner & cleaning up the kitchen after what you guys did all day?! ARGH. NO!! Bad Hubby!!

Quit whining that "You went to bed and left me with all the cleaning" DUDE!!! I made dinner & cleaned up the kitchen afterward! No, I didn't make her sippy cups for today & no I didn't clean up her toys ~ but that's your job!!!

I'm sorry ~ but I'm T-I-R-E-D by the end of the day. I'm just tired of cleaning up messes that are directly related to the two of them being home alone all day. That's all I'm saying.

Am I just being exhausted & mean ~ or is this a valid whine?

Bloggers make me think

2008-05-01T10:47:00.000-07:00

Have you heard of Moosh? The precocious toddler who's Momma is a law widow & names her zits?

Very funny girl.

Anyway.

She had a post a few weeks ago that got me to thinking ... What if the second kid is a dud?

Ok - in all honesty - her post was nothing about the next kid being a dud, it was about her worry that her daughter watching her obsess over her own looks will cause said child to obsess & thus complete the cycle. She made the comment about how she adores her daughter's looks & would never change a thing about her ... but you now see how my brain wanders down roads & takes the one less traveled.

I would never change a thing about the Princess. She may one day curse me for the genes of fat thighs (sorry baby girl, Momma doesn't know how to toss those out for skinny ones!) but overall ~ I have a pretty cute kid. I wouldn't change her blue eyes, dimples, huge smile or blonde curly hair for the world. All of those are things that she will hate come first grade, but such is life.

I was at my best friend's house for her birthday last night & had the Princess in tow. Everyone loves my kid, it helps that she doesn't pitch those fits in public though! She pulls that sweet & nice card when people are around. Little smartie pants.

The grandmothers and great grandmother in the family accept me as one of their own & my child as theirs too. Watching them love on her & play with her curls, stealing kisses and sneaking ice cream cake ~ I started to get excited that Baby#NOW will be able to be part of this next year too.

And then I wondered if this baby will be in the shadow of her sister's bright spotlight. (That would only happen to a little sister right?)

I wondered if the new baby would get the same genes that seemed to pool on the Princess, or if it will get all the other ones. Those would be the genes from my side. Of which Princess has about 3. Maybe.

Will this kid be as genetically blessed as it's sister? I know I'll think the kid is cute (I'm Mom, that's my job!) but let's face it ~ the world has some unfortunately unblessed people in it & I really don't want that to be the fate of my kids. And I really don't want to have:

"Oh Princess is so cute! Look at those curls! Those dimples! OH!! *crickets chirping* And who's child is this?"

I'd hate to have to whoop some grandma's ass over making my second baby feel bad. I'd do it in a heartbeat, but I'd hate to see granny in the hospital afterward.

Yeah yeah yeah beauty comes from within & God made us all beautiful in our own way & that's all that matters yada yada yada. You tell that to a fourth grader who's heart is broken because her sister got all the valentines & the boys pick on her for being ugly. Or explain to a 10th grader why her sister gets all the dates and she sits at home on Friday nights. I don't want my second baby to feel any less wonderful or accepted or beautiful than the Princess.

Am I the only mom who has these thoughts or do I just need to start spending more time in therapy again?

In my defense ~ this is the Princess:

Bring on the hormones

2008-04-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah ~ either I'm pregnant or I'm a freakin teenager again! My hormones have been going berzerk over the last 2 days.

List of things that make me cry now:

* News stories about: baby geese being killed, a baby girl living through a gas explosion in her home, the conviction of a mother who punched her 3 year old to death.

* Not getting back into my favorite Ob's office for this baby. (I'm getting into a different one, I'll tell you about that later)

* Not wanting to tell my family yet, but needing to tell them because if I'm sick as all holy hell there is no way I can fly in a tin can airplane in a few weeks ...

* And 4 friends crying in happiness over my pregnancy ~ made me cry.

Excuse me while I go pass out under my desk now. Exhaustion is my enemy.

The results are in

2008-04-27T13:46:00.000-07:00

(Have I mentioned that I'm impatient?)

I was going to wait until Monday to take the final pregnancy test ~ but I woke up this morning with a nasty red throat, runny nose and hacking cough. In order to figure out what I can safely take, I needed to have a tie-breaker on the whole "Yes or No" question.

3 out of 5 pregnancy tests agree ~ and that whole exhaustion, swollen boobs, no period thing. That agrees too.

Wish me luck, it's going to be a looooong year.

So maybe I jumped the gun

2008-04-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should have waited 2 more days ....

What do you think?

I have no clue what I'm supposed to be feeling right now. I reserve the right to have one really good, blow up, freak out episode once I take the final test Monday morning. Whichever way it goes, that's the last test I'm taking.

(I figure waiting until Monday will give my body time to finalize its answer.)

Wedding Whining Post #2

2008-04-25T06:58:00.000-07:00

Bubba's wedding invitation showed up this week & it requests that you go to the couple's wedding website and RSVP. So you know I wandered around the website and looked through everything!

All of her sisters are bridesmaids.

One of her brothers-in-law, our cousin & my Father are groomsmen. (Daddy is the Best Man)

The rest of her brothers-in-law are ushers, as are several of her cousins.

I am the only sibling not playing a role in this wedding.

Am I the only wedding guest who thinks it's family drama, tacky, or highly interesting when only one sibling is left out of a wedding party? Hell, even ESil was the wedding coordinator for my wedding! She wasn't a bridesmaid but she was running the show backstage & everyone knew it.

The only niece (Princess) isn't in the wedding either ~ Bubba told me a few weeks ago that they thought it would be too hard since she wouldn't be able to walk. HUH!? Dude, she RUNS now! And she can walk an entire 30 feet before she trips now too. But our mother didn't think she would be able to walk the aisle in June so she talked Bubba out of using my daughter.

Isn't that my call to make whether my daughter can walk down the length of an aisle? All she needs is one person to let her go at one end & someone she knows & likes to be at the other end. Besides, flower girls are supposed to be cute & little & distractible ~ she fits all of that. Now there is no way in Hades she could have stood there for the wedding, but she can walk a line!

I'm just ticked that my mom takes it upon herself to constantly make decisions about what to include me or my family in, just like with what she thinks we "need" to know.

This is the only wedding that my daughter could be in for her aunts or uncles & my mom talked them out of asking her. I know it's not a huge thing for Princess (at less than 2 years old) but it feels like we're expected to make an appearance but we'd better not be noticed after we walk in the door. I don't know how to explain it ... Princess & I are expected to tow the line, show up & look pretty & then sit down & shut up while the real family has their wedding.

Clarifying: I do not in any way feel that this is how my brother & his fiance feel ~ but I know that they follow my mother's word as law because they know the penalty for disobedience is banishment. They know it's true because that's what happened to me. She banished me almost 13 years ago & the only reason I've come close to being accepted back is because I have the only grandchild. The kid is accepted, I'm just the begger at the door who changes the diapers.

You're going to need your handy dandy "list of players" for this one!

2008-04-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

"Welcome to the Constance One Million show, today we're talking to wives who try to drive their husbands to an early grave so that they can get the house & the insurance money. The catch in this drama: the teenage step kids who are in on the deal & do what they can to help mommy dearest out. Let's meet our guests:"

So FIL is apparently much sicker than any of us realized & he was pretty much hiding it from everyone.

Since Monday we've found out that:

1. He can't walk across the room without loosing his breath/coughing/passing out.
2. He is retaining water & his feet look like a pregnant woman's.
3. He is having more problems with his wife & step-daughter, and it's getting bad. Again.

Hubs ~~yelled~~ at convinced him to go see his doctor (Tuesday) & they found that he had a reflux episode a few weeks ago & he aspirated some of the *bleck* into his lungs & now they are infected. He has an enlarged heart, fluid in his lungs/abdomen/chest areas, and infection in his lungs. He's on 4 different breathing meds w/ 4 treatments a day, oxygen, antibiotics, lasiks, and they finagled his heart medications again.

And then the world blew up yesterday (Wednesday).

ESil & LSil called yesterday & stayed on the phone with Hubs off & on all day. For all three of them to willingly talk ~ the world has ended & Satan is handing out ice cream cones in hell.

Apparently Step-Monster is not taking care of FIL At! All! The doctor told him that for FIL to recover he has to stay away from stress, stay away from anyone smoking, eat healthier, take his meds on schedule & get rest, rest, and more rest. Well the sister's have found out that Step-monster is not taking care of him, is not cooking for him, causing incredible amounts of stress, and smoking around him. With an oxygen tank in the house, she's a brilliant woman. (ahhh the smell of sarcasm in the morning!)

After they got home from the dr on Tuesday Step-monster breaks the news that she's decided that her 16yo daughter needs to be home schooled ~ and wanted the credit card so that she could sign Teenager up for classes online. FIL put his foot down & said that Teenager will only slack off (he's not wrong) and won't do the work (again, he's not wrong). Teenager stayed in his face bitching, whining, screaming about it & he slapped her. Teenager steals her mom's car keys, runs to the police department and tries to file charges of abuse ... the cops know her & know that she probably earned a smack, so they told her that they would have to investigate.

Then Wednesday morning Step-Monster had to go to court over Teenagers truancy!! The kid has missed almost half of the school year! Step-Monster tells the judge that she is looking into pulling Teenager out of school & homeschooling her ~ Teenager stands up & screams at the judge "How am I supposed to be at home learning when he's always there hitting me!"

Yep, DCFS is back in the picture. This is the second time that they've become involved with the Teenager. Last night the social worker decided that Teenager can no longer stay in that home, but they are letting her pick where she wants to go. (I don't get that, but ok.) Turns out FIL had already said the same thing & that he refuses to have her in his house ... Step-Monster responded with "If my kid can't stay I won't stay" to which he parried with "Fine get out & take your things with you."

We've been through this before ~ this is the 4th time in 5 years they've had this conversation. They always wind up back together within a few weeks, swear it will work out & then bitch about how much they hate each other. The difference this time is that FIL is sick and needs care. We aren't sure how that will be accomplished at this point ~ but something tells Hubs that it's going to be his job to make sure everything is taken care of for his dad & the family restaurant.

What scares the kids is that they have all offered to come help him for the weekend & he doesn't want to see any of them. He has never refused a visit from his kids. Step-Monster is still living there so we know she's still aggravating him on a regular basis. And he sounds like he just doesn't care anymore, he just says how tired he is, how he can't handle all the crap, how he just wants peace ... and he hasn't been to the restaurant in over 2 weeks. NEVER has he done that. This can't be a good sign.

It's been 8 days since my last confession

2008-04-23T11:12:00.000-07:00

Confession ... obsession. Whatever.

**Attention passengers: We have reached the manic phase of the "two week wait", during which our brain will, temporarily, go insane. Please keep this in mind as you proceed. Thank you.**

Monday cannot come fast enough so that I can just find out what, if anything, is going on in my uterus. (Ok, I just had to google the spelling of uterus. My college education may not be worth as much as I thought.) I am technically supposed to, ahem, "start" on Friday ~ but I tend to be unpredictable so I'm not taking that as a sure fire sign.

I'm waiting until Monday night to test because that is my best friend's birthday ~ the only person IRL that knows about this little event. She's also the person who was with us for the Princess' delivery and has signed up to cut the cord on any subsequent kiddos. Hubs refuses to cut cords. #1 squishy things scare him & #2 he's scared he'll screw up & the kid will be permanently maimed & I'll never let him live it down. So the God-mother will be cutting our kids cords from now on, as strange as that may be.

Anyway ~ she feels that it would be good luck for me to wait until her birthday to test because:

1. She was staying the night with us on "the" night. (the beginning of the journey?!)
2. We would find out on her birthday
3. I would be 31 weeks on my 31st birthday on the 31st of October
4. It will be a Christmas/New Years baby
5. She will be there for the delivery. (to complete the circle?!)

She is convinced that those 4 factors together mean that I must must must be pregnant. If the girl knew a fertility dance she would have been getting after it for the last 11 days!

She's also the reason I've started to get excited about this idea. She sent me this email the other day:

Reasons that Baby #NOW would be perfect:
1. Close in age to Princess
2. Not so close that it would kill you in that first year
3. Hubs is at home raising her already, so throwing in one more wouldn't be as hard
4. Having Baby #NOW at Christmas would fall after your classes are done for the year & you could just take a month or two off early next year before you start your bachelor's courses.
5. Having Hubs at home means you could sleep at night while he fed the baby. Yeah, I threw that in just to make you laugh!
6. We would have a Christmas baby!
7. Princess would make such a good big sister
8. You would be 12 weeks pregnant for your brother's wedding, so it would be perfect timing to tell your family in person.
9. You already have all of the Princess' stuff from winter, so if it's another girl there is nothing to buy!
10. If it's a boy --- It's a BOY!!! Yippee! And it's right at Christmas so everyone else will buy the stuff for you!
Hurry up and test, I want my nephew. Or my niece. Either way - I love you!

Can you tell that my girl is a tad excited about this prospect? Her excitement has started to wear off on me, for all of the reasons that she listed & then just because I would love to be able to get pregnant without having to work for it. I know that sounds selfish ~ but I really would. I'm not ready to go through the trying and the charting and the temp taking and the pill popping and the blood work and the stress ohmystars the stress.

I think I actually want to be pregnant. Right now pregnant. I would love to have another little face running around my house, screaming and playing and climbing and even the dirty diapers. Ok maybe not the dirty diapers. Can I order a pre-potty trained child this time?

But OhGod I don't want to be excited about this. I just don't want to get heartbroken when the test is negative ... and I really do think the test will be negative .... and I really do think that it will break my heart. All over again. Why can't I just be normal?! Why can't I just get pregnant whenever I want to & not have to worry about my fertility odds if I wait another 3 years ... Why can't I just be normal & not get sooo upset at a negative test - why can't it just mean "not yet" instead of that unspoken "not yet and maybe not ever again BWAHAHAHA".

I think I've talked myself into wanting a baby that's not even there. And I have NO symptoms, but I don't remember when I got what symptoms with my miscarriages or Princess. When do symptoms start? Which ones did you get first?

This may become my permanent home

2008-04-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

I am finding myself coming to the apartment more & more often lately. There are things I want to say, or just things that I find funny but I don't want to spill those things on my open-to-the-real-world blog. I just don't need my mother to know about my sex life, can I get an Amen?

The more my brain spins about pregnancy, this is where I come.
The more my head spins over my comical sex life, this is where I come.
The more I think about honesty in my blog life & just having one spot where I can bare it all ~ this is where I come.

I always wanted a diary ~ but this way I get feedback promising me I'm not insane! WOOHOO!

It's not that I don't love my family oriented, baby centered, slightly funny home blog ~ but I don't feel as much like myself as I do here. This is me ~ past the wife, mother, employee, and student ~ this is who I am, this is my personality. All 5 of them! Most people have a running inner monologue ~ I have a running inner talk show. Think: brain version of "The View". That's what goes on in my head. 4 (some days 5) voices, all talking over each other, all trying to make a point, all confusing the crap out of each other, some making me laugh at loud for no known reason.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my home blog ... how do you get rid of blogs? I don't want to get rid of the closest thing my kiddo has to a baby book (at least subsequent kids won't feel jipped that she has a novel about her life while they have a post it note!), but I'm not sure if I want to continue that as anything more than updates on her & pics for the family. I know I'm tired of trying to find interesting/funny things in my life that can be appropriately censored. That's hard enough to do on a 3 hour monthly phone call to my mother!

What would you do? Keep both, loose the one, change the one? I'm confused here ....

If you don't know me by now

2008-04-20T13:23:00.000-07:00

My dearest darling husband,

I love you more than life itself, you are my best friend, biggest cheerleader and personal comedy show. You are also one of the 4 biggest pains in my ass, but you do laundry and move furniture for me ~ I let a lot of things slide in exchange for that.

I love that our sex life has picked up greatly in the last several weeks ~ I will never complain about that. But we need to get one thing straight ok? The candy shop closes at 2am & does not reopen until 10am. Don't ever ~ ever, ever, ever come knocking at 6:15AM again.

I realize that this rule has never been stated in our marriage before & I understand any confusion you may have ~ but we didn't go to bed until 3am (Guitar Hero is fun, but we can't keep doing that!) and then to be woken up 3 hours later is just ... rude. I cannot be expected to be a willing and joyful participant when I am in the throws of REM sleep.

The next time your friend wants to play after 2am you need to take him on a walk, or whatever it is you do to help him sleep again ~ because I will be sleeping thankyouverymuch.

Love,
Your adoring wife

BlogHer Ads can kiss my white and shiney one

2008-04-17T14:44:00.001-07:00

My "home" blog has been signed up with BlogHer Ads since last August ~ I have a counter thingy on there so that I can see how many hits I get, where they are from, what searches people use to find me (and btw - who the hell googles "mommy porn"?!?!?! I've had 4 different searches that found me that way. And I don't talk about porn over there. That's saved for the apartment!) Anyway. Where was I going?

Oh ~ I know that I have fairly decent traffic on that site. I mean I am by no means at the Dooce, Bossy or the world renown Ree level ~ but I have a fairly respectable following.

I have never once gotten a check from BlogHer & have never once gotten a response to my "Um, what's the deal with this?" emails that I've sent them.

This is some bull honky! You can't tell me that in 9 months I still haven't had enough visitors to make $25 (they hold your checks until you make at least that much). I did the math 7 months ago & should have had that first check sent out back then!!

I know that their "free" ads have been running a lot through the winter & that's being repaired ~ but dang people! At least send me back a note saying "Hi, sorry but your blog really is that crappy & you've only made $24.50 in the last 9 months by our calculations. We'll send your check out next year."

Since I'm not pimping them on this site I felt better about bitching about them over here.

Anyone else know how to contact / harass / or otherwise annoy the BlogHer Ad girls into letting me know something? This is getting annoying. Much like pregnancy ~ it's been 9 months & I'm ready to see the fruit of my labor already! (the pun was only 45% intentional)

Hubs wants me to ask a question

2008-04-16T14:25:00.001-07:00

Ok so he has no clue about you lovely ladies ~ but I told him I would ask my online girls ... I just didn't say where!

He has one opinion on this subject & I'm not sure I see it as black & white as he does:

When I was 16 I started seeing The Guy (behind my parents back) & he was obviously 4 kinds of wrong for me. So I, of course, adored him. He was 24, divorced, in the military, Catholic (not a big thing to me, but it was used against me by my parents later) and living off base with his friends in a house not far from mine. I met him through my best friend, he was teaching one of her classes at the Catholic church ~ she then babysat for his roommates, they became friends, she developed a crush on him that wasn't returned. She was supposed to watch the kiddo one weekend but had to back out, so she asked me to do it. I quickly developed the same crush & it was returned ~ I became their full time babysitter that summer & spent almost every afternoon & evening at their house with the kiddo ... and The Guy. We had inside jokes, long talks, heart to hearts, and heat heat heat. He was my second kiss and first .... almost everything else. The whole "is she still a virgin" ground was very gray by the time we broke up a year later.

Hubs thinks that because I was so much younger than him & was in a situation of not being in control ~ this is molestation.

While I'm not proud of the things that I did with him at such a young age ~ I'm not exactly ashamed of the relationship either - for a long time it just seemed like that was my experience & we dated & it ended badly & life goes on.

But Hubs says that he should have been prosecuted for things he did ... I told my parent's attorney that I wouldn't testify against him because he never raped me.

Hubs is utterly convinced that The Guy was a pedophile & molester and that he should have been thrown in jail.

It never occurred to me that he wasn't just an older guy that I dated & yes I did things with him that shouldn't happen between people with that age difference ~ but we dated. We were emotionally involved & I still think he really did care for me ... I was of the age of consent, I knew what I was doing & yes I was nervous ~ but I never told him no, I never backed out of a babysitting job (i.e. chance to see him), he sent me roses during my national vocal competition & sent me letters every week when he was out on activities & for the 2 months he was deployed to Grenada.

I do agree that I was much younger & less experienced & wouldn't know what his moves were & I could have been easily coerced into something I didn't want to do ~ but the rest of the relationship negates that doesn't it?

Where is the line? Where is the divider between inappropriate relationship & illegal acts against a minor? Shouldn't I know if I was molested? Wouldn't I feel that difference?

The joys of imagined pregnancies

2008-04-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

Every wave of nausea makes me more nauseated thinking "OMG could this be real?!"

Every cramp makes me wonder about implantation cramps thinking "OMG could this be REAL??"

Every emotional outburst makes me wonder about rising hormone levels thinking "OMG COULD this be REAL???"

Every brain spasm wondering "OMG. Could? This? Be? Real?" takes me back to trying to conceive the Princess. Takes me back to every month that I spent torturing myself for 2 weeks wondering if every tiny cramp, nausea, boob spasm, or lightheaded moment was a clue that I was pregnant.

Wondering if there could be a tiny little person in there takes me back to the hours that I spent hiding in the shower sobbing over the newest negative test, the arrival of my period, the disappointment that I couldn't seem to do the one thing that my body was built to do: have children.

Wondering if there could be a tiny little person's cells dividing and growing takes me back to the weeks I spent grieving the loss of our first little flutter baby. I wanted that child more than I wanted my next breath. Loosing her tore part of my soul that has never healed, and I'm not sure that it ever will. Over 2 years later I still tear up thinking of what she would be doing now, what she would look like, what our family would have been like if she had lived, what kind of mother I would have been with her as a daughter.

80% of my heart wants to be realistic and remember all the hard learned lessons of trying to conceive and all the talks with my beloved Gyno and the Handsome* Fertility Dr. I want to remember that while it can take "just the one time" to get knocked up ~ my ovaries are notoriously lazy and that those two doctors both predicted I would never get pregnant without pharmaceutical assistance. I want to be realistic and remember that even when we were killing our sex life trying to make a baby ~ there were far more no's than there were yes' on those damned Clear Blue Easy Pregnancy ~~Torture~~ Tests.

But 20% of me is praying for that one in a hundred thousand shot that this one time could have worked. Part of me wants that Christmas baby. Part of me is very terrified that this could be real. Part of me is very thrilled that this could be real.

Part of me wants to hide in the shower again and sob that I'm allowing myself to get this hopeful and excited over something that would be so life changing and world shaking for my little family. Part of me wants to hide because I don't want to put my heart through this disappointment again. I'm not ready for this roller coaster again, I'm not ready to be crushed by another no ...

But if it was to be real ... I would be 31 weeks pregnant on my 31st birthday on October 31st this year. And that would be incredibly cool.

I'm not ready to be crushed by another no ... but I have no idea what I would do with a yes either.

I'm going to drive myself bat shit crazy in the next 2 weeks. You know that don't you?

*The Handsome Fertility Dr: I swear to you this man looks so much like McDreamy it isn't even funny ~ bright blue eyes, black wavy hair, gorgeous smile & so. stinkin. sweet. with patients that it would break your heart. He showed up at every one of my blood draws pre-pregnancy, he was there for every single blood draw after the positive HcG test. He held my hand through every step of the process and literally cheered when we saw the Princess' little heart beating at 7wks 1day. I will forever love him for that. But good heavens is he HAWT!

Awwww crap, did I just do what I think I did?

2008-04-11T08:44:00.000-07:00

Seriously, the sex talk has got to stop in my apartment. I think it's subconsciously leaking into the house & I think I may have just been thrown in the deep end.

1. We've had a lot more sex lately. A. LOT. Not a bad thing (pretty damn great if I was going to brag!) but just an observation!

2. I noticed last week that this would be the last month for us to get preg and have a '08 baby. I blame this on the year I spent calculating "If I get preg now then we'll have a baby in ___, but I would be pregnant through the ___ months ..." My brain clicked into that mode earlier this month when I spent 4 days thinking I want to be pregnant again. Then the weekend came, I spent 48 hours with the Hubs & the kid & I realized that we are just fine with one toddler at a time!

3. My cycle has actually been fairly predictable lately & I have felt the ovulation pains the last few months. Couldn't have happened when we were killing ourselves to have a baby ~ but whatever. Such is life.

Do you see where this is going yet?

I've had several of the "Project Egg Drop" signs in the last few days & then I cramped all day yesterday on one side (did Clomid, remember that pain, 90% sure it was the egg landing). Hubs was in the mood again last night. We don't use protection because ... well, it took a year & pharmaceutical assistance to get the Princess here ~ so we've never worried about trying not to get pregnant.

That could prove to be an error in judgement in oh, two weeks or so. And now my brain is screaming "NO MORE KIDS YET! NO MORE KIDS YET! NO MORE KIDS YET! NO MORE KIDS YET YOU IDIOT!!!"

And yet ~ I could have warned Hubs last night that it was a possible baby making night, but I didn't ... that's partly his fault for using all the really good moves on me though. I wasn't thinking straight. And I was slightly drunk from that bottle of wine that we opened. I SWEAR to you, I did not initiate anything & I tried to resist ... but then the wine kicked in & well, he was using all the good moves & I wanted to play!

But I don't want to be pregnant again yet. I need more time, Princess needs more time, we need more money.

But I want another baby and it took us a year to get her started growing ...

But I am so. not. ready. for another kid.

But I'll be 31 this year & if I want 3 total then I do need to get a move on ...

I'm going to be sick.

Why isn't there a morning after test?!

Let me whine about sex one more time

2008-04-09T09:10:00.000-07:00

I'm all for a good roll in the hay ~ stress relieving, relationship affirming, generally a good time is had by all ~ but if both parties aren't in the mood I don't get why WOMEN have to feel guilty about putting out when we aren't truly in the mood.

Have you ever ONCE heard a guy muttering about "Damn I was tired last night, and the wife rolled over wantin' a little sumthin sumthin & I just figured what the hell & gave it up for her." ?!!? NO! Because if the guy isn't in the mood then the train stops there - but when we aren't in the mood the moves don't stop & we either jump on the train or get the cold "why are you so mean" shoulder for a week.

It's not that I don't love to love on Hubs ~ but last night when he rolled over to "snuggle" at 4 am (after I went to bed at 2:30 because I was trying to work on papers that will be due in several days) I just wasn't having any of it. I wasn't mean about it, I just rolled away & kept sleeping!

My mom gave me this "How-to-have-a-happy-Christian-marriage" book when we were engaged & there was an entire chapter dedicated to sex in marriage. It was directed at the wife & only her, listing all the reasons you should make yourself available to your husband & not turn him down & how detrimental it is to your marriage to do so.

Really? 'Cause it will be more detrimental to start feeling like sex is a chore & something I should just submit to whether I want to or not. Granted I'm rusty on my Bible classes ~ but I really don't think that's what God wants for my marriage.

All aboard the roller coaster

2008-04-03T21:39:00.000-07:00

The plane tickets are purchased.

The rental car reservation has been made.

I've expressed to the car agent that if there is not a toddler car seat waiting at the airport for me ~ I refuse to be responsible for my actions. Her dismissive attitude when I asked for assurances that the car seat will be there was disconcerting in my world. This is the one key issue that could screw up & totally screw this whole trip, so yes, I'm obsessing over it.

Well, that & the presence of my mother.

She emailed today to let me know that she's hired the "baby-wranglers" for the rehearsal dinner and ceremony/reception. She knows that there is no way in Hades I will let anyone that I don't know watch her anywhere I'm not able to see her. Maybe it is good that she knows me well enough to understand that. The plan is to let her run around (since both events will be outside), the girls will watch her & I will be able to see her at all times. From what I can tell, she will be the only toddler in attendance. That should prove to be interesting!

I am a little more than slightly freaked out about 4 days, 2 plane rides, and 700 miles alone with this kiddo. Solo. 3 bedtimes and 3 (PleasedearLord) nap times to wrangle. A solo mio. 11 meals and countless snack times of figuring out what she wants to eat and getting it into her before she completely decompresses. All by myself. 80 hours of being the only person responsible for the care, safety and well being of this little person. While part of me is really excited about spending 4 days alone with her to reconnect & maybe override a little of her "Daddy Obsession" ~ the rest of me is utterly terrified that I will screw up and she will pay for my stupidity. I keep having visions of turning around to find her gone, or of landing in the ER at some point. I cannot express to you how bad it would be for me to come home with a broken or dented child ~ her father will NEVER. EVER. let me live that one down. I will forever be the parent who let the child break herself. (In all honesty - I wouldn't truly be able to let him live that one down either. We're mean like that.)

I was not built to be a single mom. Apparently I require more assistance with this kid than I realized.

Am I just a wuss or are these fairly standard fears for trips with a toddler?

Much ado about screwing

2008-04-02T14:08:00.001-07:00

I miss my sex life. Not so much that I'm willing to loose more sleep to fix it, but I do miss it.

We have a great time when we have sex ~ there are never any disappointments, everyone gets to have their fun on the ride (sometimes two or three times!). We just don't think to have sex very often.

Lemme see if I can explain this one.

When we started dating I was working out of town so we only saw each other on the weekends Very little sex time! We never stayed the night with each other, I think it was the ghosts of our (recently) past relationships that kept us apart in those first months.

By the time we moved in together I had a normal 8-5 job and he was working in sales and would be out until 9 or 10 every night and then working most Saturdays. Again, no real time for a sex life. When he got home I was ready to pass out. When I was up and hyper on the weekends, he was drained and ready to pass out.

We were 2 years into our relationship before we had relatively similar schedules. Even in his last job Hubs has always worked long hours ~ the last was 7am - 6pm with Saturday mornings thrown in for extra torture. We fell into a pattern of not having sex on a regular basis and it worked for us.

Then we wanted to have a baby. Thanks to a certain set of uncooperative ovaries (I'm talking to you ya lazy little hosebags!) we were forced to go the medicated/scheduled baby making route. Let me just tell you what wonders THAT does for your sex drive (insert image of buses slamming into the side of a mountain and exploding on impact). And then add pregnancy, early 2nd trimester miscarriage, subsequent surgery, fertility meds /tests/exams, and 2nd pregnancy into the mix. It's a recipe for sexual disaster.

During my pregnancy with the Princess I think the Sex Fairy showed up at our house 4 times. Hubs didn't get anything that resembled a "mouth hug" until 3 months post-partum. That part was just as much his choice as it was mine though, I lost 40 pounds because of severe morning sickness & he didn't want to risk being puked on. I thought that was very kind of him.

Since we had the kiddo, I've had to heal from an episiotomy & hemorrhoids & I'm telling you ~ "the urge" has just not been present in our house. I would love to say that it will show up again in force ~ but it's never been a HUGE presence in our relationship. When it does show up it's a very lovely & welcome family member.

I don't know if we should pressure ourselves to increase the frequency or just live & let quietly live. We can openly talk about our sex life together, we are both satisfied with the type - but we both admit that it would be nice to see more of each other. Our biggest problems seem to be his exhaustion as a SAHD, my exhaustion as a WOOTHM & student.

Should we be worried or can we make it to a 50th wedding anniversary with a lazy sex life?

Wedding Whining Post #1

2008-04-01T09:32:00.000-07:00

I'm sure this will become a series of posts over the next few months. And then at least 2 recapping posts after the big event in June. God help me I am dreading this event more than I dreaded that pre-labor enema. (That's a LOT of dread)

So to understand why this event bugs me there are a few details I need to lay out for you as groundwork:

1. This is the marriage of the perfect son to the perfect-virgin-pastors-daughter. (I am the black sheep and my husband comes from a broken family with issues)

2. They met in the perfect Baptist college and never slept together or lived together before marriage. (Hubs went to community college & we shacked up for almost 4 years before we signed the papers)

3. My family A-DORES her family. (My parents never met his family before the wedding & have never said a word about liking them. This is my fault for venting to my mom about them ONE TIME in four years)

4. My family worships the ground the bride walks on. (My parents never met hubs until the photographer was telling us to all stand together 2 hours before the ceremony. I'm not even kidding you.) Mom helped pick out her gown and was there to help look at bridesmaids dresses.

5. My mother always said that they never wanted to meet anyone I was with until there was a ring on my finger & a date on the invitations. She wasn't kidding. They met 1 guy that I dated in the 10 years I was out of their house. We were engaged, they came down to meet him & then 2 months later he split on me & left a "Dear John" letter for me. I've never heard from him again.
They never once tried to meet Hubs or get to know him in any way prior to our wedding.

Now ~ on to the fun.

My parents are going gahgah over this wedding. I just found out that they are paying for the catered rehearsal dinner complete with paying for hotels for the caterer that they are bringing in from NC to a Michigan wedding. They have invited family & family friends & are paying for those hotel rooms as well since everyone is coming in for the dinner on Friday night & then the wedding is Saturday night ~ so 2 nights of hotels for all those people.

They paid for $500 toward my wedding dress. A dress that was $575 with $400 more after the bra/slip/and alterations. I paid as much as they did by the time it was over. Hubs was PISSED that they wouldn't at least pay the $75 extra to cover the entire gown cost. And even then ~ they asked the store to fax them a copy of the receipt so that they could see it really cost the whole $500 they paid. Cause I just couldn't be trusted.

I asked my mom for a list of family names & addresses so that I could invite my family ~ to which my mother said "Oh I'll do all that just send me the invitations". I sent her 50 invites. I never got one card, present, or phone call from anyone other than 1 aunt & my grandmother. I had no one at my wedding from my family other than my parents & my brother. There were 50 people at our rehearsal dinner & not one single person was related to me. I found out later that my mother never mailed out a single invitation.

Granted I never asked my parents to lift a finger for my wedding ~ but they never offered. They flew into town at 7pm on the night of the rehearsal dinner & never bothered to even try to come in earlier that day so that they could come to the dinner.

I never saw them until I pulled up at the church to get ready for the pictures. My mother never saw my dress until I was standing for pictures. There is a picture of Hubs & I standing off to the side of the church & he's holding me & wiping my face ~ that shot looks like we are so in love and happy about getting married ... the truth is that he was trying to keep me calm & to not cry & ruin my makeup because I was so upset because I felt like they were annoyed by having to spend their weekend dealing with my wedding. I want to love us in that shot ~ but I hate the memories that picture brings back.

During our reception my mother took us aside & told Hubs that "If you ever make her cry we will come back down here and get you" ~ he looked straight at my mother & said "Well what about when you make her cry?" I've never loved him more than I did right in that moment. That moment cemented for me that I had married the perfect man.

I don't begrudge my brother all the love & happiness around his wedding ~ they deserve this day & they deserve to have the perfect, stress free, family supported day that the bride has always dreamed of.

I just wish my parents had thought enough of me to ever want to meet Hubs, ever invited us to spend time with them while we were dating, ever taken any interest in our wedding or being there to support me in the days leading up to it ....

Selective Informing: Exhibit A

2008-03-25T07:38:00.000-07:00

I emailed my mom about hotel ideas for my brother's wedding in Michigan this summer & get a reply that she'll check on the areas I mentioned because she's afraid that some will be too "inner city". I have no idea what she thinks of as inner city, but whatever.

Then amid the note is this gem:

"I didn't mention the surgery (removed ovaries and tubes due to a tumor)because it wasn't a real big deal.I feel better.No cancer!But general anesthesia is a bummer at 55."

What the?!?!?

This is how you tell your daughter that you had another cancer scare? Let's just forget the fact that Daddy has Stage4 Lymphoma, and not even think about the fact that she had breast cancer while I was in high school ~ but she had a tumor that could have been ovarian cancer and she never bothered to let me know.

But I'm willing to bet my next paycheck that all her friends knew so that they could pray for her. Apparently my prayers go to God's voice mail & are ineffective compared to her friends'.

She does this "Selective Informing" crap and it's seriously on my very last nerve. She did this with her first cancer, she did this with my father's cancer, she did this with my brother's heart condition, she did this with my cousin's drug addiction & subsequent expulsion from the family. She does this with everything - if she doesn't think it's important for me to know, or doesn't think it needs to concern me ~ she just doesn't tell me. And she will go on not telling me until the shit hits the fan and I get a message on my voice mail from her: "Hi honey it's Mom. I just wanted to let you know that you need to pray for your grandmother because we aren't sure she's going to make it; we think her jerky husband beat her up and she's in ICU at the hospital; by the way your grandmother married a convicted pedophile, we'll talk about it later." By this point I know nothing of the swelling drama & she wonders why I'm so overly upset by the information.

Yeah my 82year old altizhimer's grandmother really did marry a pedophile. Who's 6 years younger than my mom. We'll talk about that one later! I need a bottle of wine for that one!

How am I supposed to handle this?

A."Yeah Mom, no cancer." And let it drop

B. Yell at her for not telling me so that I could be there for her (emotionally at least).

C. Just let it drop & keep going.

D. None of the above, here's what I would do ....

I'm telling you ~ crap like this is really making me debate spending $1,000 (that I don't have)
on going to my brother's wedding. If I'm not part of the family for the bad crap then I shouldn't spend the money on the happy stuff. Yeah I know that's probably not a healthy attitude .... I'm just tired of reaching for a relationship that will never be there. I'm never going to have the dream mother/daughter relationship with her & I need to be able to let that go.

I wonder if letting go of the dream would make it easier to accept what I have ~ or if it would just be one step closer to throwing in the towel and walking away.

Like I needed to give the neighbors another thing to talk about behind my back

2008-03-24T20:37:00.000-07:00

At Hubs' request I dropped the winter shaving/grooming ritual and went back to my normal appearance ~ I don't like to shave anything I don't absolutely have to during the winter. I figure I spend 8 months out of the year in shorts or a bathing suit. Personally - that's enough torture for the bikini line & the whole entire leg. The other 4 months of the year, they get a break. The calves however must stay shaved clean. I don't know why, it just bugs me.

I forgot how nice it was to let the grooming slack the last few months until that crap started itching like friggin fire. It was quiet and I was alone and fell for the temptation to scratch. At which point I turned and realized that my den window blinds are still halfway up ... at 10pm ... with every light blazing.

Lovely. Now the neighbors think I have crabs or something.

That should be fun at the next play date.

See ~ no good deed goes unpunished!!

Is it bad that I love this blog best?

2008-03-24T19:11:00.000-07:00

I have two blogs & ... I think I love this blog best. Is that bad? Is it like a mom favoring one kid over the other? Should I just shut up about it already?

I just feel like I can be more honest & open around here than I can at home (aka the First blog) That's the one I have to behave on & where people who actually know my face come to find out about what my family is up to. I talk about the husband & the kid & the job & all sorts of things for which they will call & talk to me about later.

Around here ~ I can tell you what I really think of my idiotic in-laws and how much my mother really burns my ass.

And I can cuss here too. I really have to work not to do that at First Blog ... you know, cause my mom will stumble into there eventually. You know I will screw up and tell her eventually. Or my new-soon-to-be-SIL will because it's another way to bond with my mother. (I'll have to tell you all about that one later).

Is it wrong that I love this blog better? I just feel closer to this blog-child, less stifled ~ free to be me.

I love my secret diary blog.

To whom it may concern:

2008-03-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

Person 1:

When you call and ask what I'm doing & I tell you I'm trying to sleep because I feel horrid - PLEASE take that as a hint that I am not in a mood to have a 20 minute conversation with you. Either get off the phone or don't get pissy when I hang up on you next time. And no, I haven't finished getting your taxes together yet, since I only started them yesterday. Which I told you yesterday that I was working on them & since you had not organized one. single. thing. from last year ~ I told you it would take H O U R S. And it has. I'm still not completely done.

It will go much faster next time if you don't throw all your junk mail in the box with every single receipt, bill, and bank statement you've gotten in 12 months. I'm just sayin'.

Person 2:

I go out of my way not to spend extended lengths of time with you because you are never kind to me, my husband or our child. BUT. We bought the tickets to the Disney/Little Einstein concert because my daughter adores that show - you told me it was stupid to take her since she was so little (I never asked your opinion). When we couldn't make it to the show you were offered our 3 tickets plus the set we purchased for the grandparents to go with us (why be petty & let $150 in tickets go to waste - I overnighted them to you). You never once said "Thank you", you never once called to tell us how it was, it never once occured to send my child a toy from the show - nothing to show your appreciation for passing on something that we were unable to use - but GREATLY wanted. Well that will never happen again. You gave my child an obviously re-gifted Christmas present (1 month late with a note to your youngest child slipped in the box), you have never once said that your kids even like the presents I've picked out for them over the last 7 years, you never returned the newborn clothes I sent for you to borrow & never thanked me for them. I'm done with you. We'll send your children "family" Christmas presents - but I'm done with you & your inconsideration for my family. You can treat my husband & I like crap ~ but you won't do that to my daughter.

WHEW ~ I feel better now. I may not be able to actually "say" all those things in real life ~ but saying them here at least gets them out of my head!

Remembering to bite my tongue

2008-03-22T20:38:00.000-07:00

I took the Princess next door for a 4 hour play date with several friends ~ 4 moms & 9 kids all watching 3 husbands put together a new swingset for the "play house" family. You know, that one family who's house every kid seems to want to play at, all day, every day.

Every. Single. Day.

I love Trace, but she seems to run the neighborhood daycare center. Every time her blinds are open all the neighborhood kids seem to migrate there and then stay until she finally kicks them out so that she can, you know - DO stuff, like take of her own family.

As much as I want the Princess to have friends & play well with others ~ there may be upsides to having a shy child who wants to stay home & play quietly!

When we came in I noticed that Hubs had started the laundry ... and placed the piles of dirty clothes on my side of the bed ~ on my pillow. Lovely. I know he didn't do it on purpose, but still - EW. And he didn't divide the loads the way I like them ...

I turned around, left the room & walked away. Why bitch over the details when he's doing it without me begging him to? I'll save my voice for another day.

Proving my mother wrong, one class at a time

2008-03-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

My relationship with my mom is .... strained. Some of it is my fault (crap I pulled as a teenager, my pride at not just forgiving her & getting on with life) and some of it is her fault (constantly bringing up crap I pulled as a teenager, her inability to let. shit. go and constantly treating me like I'm 12).

When I told her that I was going back to school she was happy, if a little less than enthusiastic. She's a teacher & she and Daddy both have their masters (she actually has two & he was working on his second before he was diagnosed with Stage4 cancer last year) so they understand the need for a college education, how hard it is, yada yada yada. As soon as I broke my news, she launched into her speach about how hard Bubba (little brother) worked for his education, how he's working on his Master's while he works at the college & is getting ready to get married, how great his GPA was when he graduated last year (later he spilled the truth - he got out with a 2.6gpa - Mom made it out to be a 4.0)

Then I hear: "Well I just hope you can keep up with everything and having a baby."

Since last June I have never ONCE been asked how my classes are going, how I'm holding up with work/kiddo/school, nothing. In the family Christmas bragging letter she mentioned my brother's graduation/masters program/wedding ~ and "our daughter is married with a beautiful daughter now"

Um, I've been married for 3 years & had the daughter the year before. Alrighty then. My question was "Is this the first time that she's told the family & friends that I'm married or having a baby?"

All that aside ~

I got my grades in today & I have ALL A's BABY!!!! WOOT! WOOT! 8 classes ~ all A's. I rock the laptop baby.

My Mom can kiss my happy butt today. I know she thinks I am still too lazy for school (I was lazy in high school & didn't apply myself & only got a 3.75 - in her eyes I should have had a 4.0 - that was lazy to her. Go figure) I know she thinks that online school is a scam & easier than normal college. I know that she will never be as proud of my 3.86gpa as she is of my brother's 2.6 ... and that stings, but I'm used to it.

But today ~ she can kiss my butt ~ I have all A's!!!!

(I am trying to figure out how I STILL managed to score the "Freshman 15" again & I'm not living in the dorms this time .... bleck!)

Parenting trade offs

2008-03-17T13:14:00.000-07:00

I was neck deep in finals this weekend when I looked at the clock & realized we had twenty minutes to get to the photographers for her (apparently) annual bunny rabbit pictures.

Since we were all still in our pajamas (at one p.m.) this meant I had to get clothes on 3 people, the Princess' hair up in a bow, her dresses grabbed, her bag ready, all of us out the door & on the road for the 15 minute drive.

Suddenly Hubs decides "Nope, I don't wanna go" as I'm running around like a chicken without head or feathers.

Thankfully he caught the look I shot him & took over getting the kid ready while I threw on my own clothes & got her paraphernalia* ready.

I tried to argue my way into getting him in the car ~
"Rabbits AND a small child - we'll need all the help we can get"
"My back is hurting already, there's no way I can handle her through the dress changes & all the chasing"
"She smiles better for you"
"But you're going to miss seeing her with LIVE baby bunny rabbits"
"JUST GET IN THE CAR!"
"Be a pal & help a girl out!? PLEASE!?"

In the end ~ we went without him. And she didn't get a single outfit change & her hair fell out of her bow. Neither of those facts would have changed had he been there ~ but he could have fallen out laughing with me over her crawling after the bunnies as they hopped away in fear of the toddler, stabbing the bunnies with a carrot, and freaking out over the bunny that tried to eat her hair. She did not appreciate that one!

I'm starting to think he has a physical aversion to being present for her pictures. Out of all the times I've had her photos done (OhGoodLord have I had this kid's pics done!) he's only been along for one setting in which he was not personally involved. And I wanted his pictures done with her that time ~ and she refused to smile at him.

The ONE AND ONLY time in her life that she hasn't smiled at her father.

Go freakin figure.

His defense is that he takes her for her shots & I take her for her photo shoots. Both are viewed as torture sessions to a toddler, and she gets lollipops at the end of each ... so close & yet such very different ideas. I think I'm on the better end of this trade for once!

* "paraphernalia" doesn't look like it's spelled right to me ~ but Blogger assures me that's it. I don't quite believe it though.

Why FIL worries me

2008-03-14T10:42:00.000-07:00

I try to get along with my FIL ~ until he pulls crap like telling me he'll take custody & I'll get visitation of my daughter.

Hubs' father worries me for several reasons.

1. He has money. And I don't mean just more money than us ~ I mean the $,$$$,$$$ kind of money. The kind of money that makes an ass of a human being popular and beloved. The kind of money that makes a daughter who hates her father (and has said so to his face several times) turn around afterward and beg for forgiveness so that she's not cut out of the will.

2. When ESIL & EBIL have problems (every few years they threaten divorce) he offers to move her & the kids away to where EBIL can't find them - because they are "his" grandkids & he'll be damned if they are raised around EBIL's parents. ( Who are perfectly normal & lovely people) He's hired PI's on several occasions to nose out information on EBIL - just in case ESIL wants a reason to leave. They never found anything, and FIL thinks they were crappy investigators because "there had to be something going on."

3. He thinks there had to be something going on because he cheated right, left, and sideways on his wife of 28 years. He still doesn't think he did anything wrong.

4. He has anger management issues - he and the EvilStepMonster have had each other arrested ... 3? times now for domestic abuse/violence. They drop the charges the next day when they calm down.

5. He can't stand my parents (for no reason he's stated, just doesn't like them) and had a shit-fit the one time Hubs & I mentioned moving closer to them .... my dad only has Stage4 Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma & is going through treatments & surgery. I have his only grandchild. There's no reason we should live closer to them then the 12 hour drive we have currently.

6. He bad mouths Hubs on a regular basis & then doesn't understand why they have a strained relationship.

7. He thinks he wants to be a pastor (I almost choked on my bubble gum when he told Hubs that one)

8. He beat his wife & kids for years. Y E A R S. Beat. Children.

9. He has never treated women with true respect - he placates them and keeps the attitude that as "the man" he knows best.

10. He doesn't respect me or Hubs.

I have no doubt that if something was ever to happen to Hubs he would spend BIG money to keep me from being able to leave this state & take Princess away. Hubs already knows if he was to die that I would move farther north, I am only staying here for him. What he doesn't know is that if there was a divorce I would do the same thing. In this state a judge will not stop the custodial parent from moving out of state if they can show that they are doing it to provide a better life for the child (better job, better housing, or better education). But FIL would tie me up in court for MONTHS to keep that from happening & I don't have the money to fight him ... and I know that FIL would think nothing of calling DCFS & making my life a living hell. There would be nothing for them to find ~ but I know from watching friends that they don't stop at just one visit -- and when you involve them with a custody battle the judge will plop the kids with the grandparents until it can all be sorted out (we had this happen to our good friends a few years ago).

I just don't trust FIL as far as I can throw him ...

**************

Hubs & I discussed the family crap today ~ he actually said he would be perfectly happy not to see them again any time soon. He likes the idea of seeing them like we do my family ~ twice a year for a few days at a time & 4 months notice to prepare. I offered to call real estate agents outside of an 8 hour driving radius. He didn't say no!! I think we may be on a good step to getting us OUT OF THIS STATE!

I need your objective opinions on this one.

2008-03-13T23:24:00.000-07:00

Lets say you were on a phone call with your father-in-law & he's complaining about not seeing his grandchild enough (because the evil DIL keeps him away from the kid?! Who knows.) This is his chosen rant for the week so just let him go until he tires himself out & it'll all be over soon.

Then lets say during that slightly heated conversation he makes the remark: "Well maybe we just need to take her and you can have visitation."

Would you:

A) LOOSE. YOUR. MIND.

B) Fall on the floor crying.

C) See it as a joke. (Cause when your husband jumps in to take over for you, FIL tells him that you are overly sensitive & it was just a joke.)

*******************************

For the record ~ I pulled A & B. Well I hung up the phone (by way of throwing it into the wall) and then hit my knees in a panic attack/crying. And then I lost my ever loving MIND. He was on the phone with his mother and I was yelling about knowing people in Canada & "I'll take her across the border faster than they can find the interstate." and something to the effect of if his dad felt froggy he better bring it on 'cause I would kick his ass into the grave before he took my child from me.

Hubs proceeded to beg his parents to never screw with me about custody. He saw me eyeing the closet with the luggage. He knew I was already halfway through plotting & on to figuring out how to fit all her stuff & mine into my small car.

Maybe it set me off because it felt like a vision of the future. If something ever was to happen to my marriage ~ I have no doubt that FIL would spend $$$$ to keep me from getting full custody.

Was I wrong? Does that line sound like a joke to any other moms?

My Mother in Law strikes again

2008-03-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

I'm telling you, if this woman lets a week go by without pissing my husband off it's a freakin miracle. She came through town for less than 10 minutes this weekend & managed to rile my house up for the next 4 hours & Hubs has been having nightmares for the last 2 nights.

Thankyouverymuchbigmouthedmotherinlaw. Heifer.

WHY WHY WHY did she feel the need to take it upon herself & tell Hubs that "It pisses me off that you can't keep this house clean!" Seriously - that's my thing to bitch about & no one gets to yell at him about that but ME. Ok? I'm the one who lives there, I'm the one who asks "Honey can you please clean the floors this week?", so I'M the one who gets to yell at him for not doing them. Just an FYI. I'M the Mom in this house - not you.

If you "know" that your son is depressed please do me a favor & shut the fuck up & leave him alone. Quit rubbing salt in his wounds & making him feel worse ~ honestly, it just makes my job harder. He feels like dirt for not being able to find a job, he feels like a failure as a man for not being able to provide for his family, he's struggling with fulfilling the "Mom" role around here & I'm just trying to help him keep his head above water. He does not need you to tell him that "You at least have to work SOMEWHERE. This is ridiculous." You don't say that crap to your SAHM-of a daughter, and you never worked throughout a 28 year marriage (and you had a maid to help you with the kids & the house)!! Don't tell my husband that he needs to get a job to be a man ~ you defend your daughter every time someone says that she doesn't work. You are speedy-on-the-damn-draw to point out how much work it is to stay at home with kids ~ don't you dare pull a double standard on my house.

And for the love of all that is holy ~ PICK A FREAKING SIDE ALREADY!!!

Don't yell at him & call him a slacker & tell him he needs a job to be a real man ~ and then when I mention that I am taking the Princess for a playdate one afternoon "to give them a few hours away from each other" --- don't pipe up with "Well he needs more than a few hours off."

WTF?!? He's a slacker who needs a vacation? HUH?!

Woman you can't play both sides of the field ~ pick a team & play your heart out for them. Ok??

Or better yet ~ shut up & get out of my house!!!!!

To learn or to sit on my ass & eat brownies. A debate for the day.

2008-03-09T14:22:00.000-07:00

I have ONE WEEK until this set of classes is over and I'm seriously debating the joys of not starting 2 new ones the next day. I know if I just start them I'll keep going & just suffer through them ~ but I am so stinking tired of scheduling my life around school. I'm so tired of not being able to relax without thinking "X is due on Xday, I should really get a jump start or I'll be up until 2 am working on it."

By the way I have a 5 page paper due tonight by midnight which I have yet to touch, and yet here I am. Bitching about school. Again.

Yippee.

I really am looking forward to having my degree ... in 29,175 more weeks. Or just 2.5 years. Whatever. But it strikes me that I am spending GOOD GOOGLY money on this crap. Seriously - $7GRAND a year. $800 per class. **CHOKE** This is why I'm so anal about getting all A's. If I'm paying for a used car every year then I'd damn well better get smarter!

Yep, that sentence was written by a college student. *BURP* Gotta love the American school system.

I'm honestly wondering if I will be able to find a job paying enough money that would support the decision to spend this much money. Given the state of the country's economy, I have to wonder if I'm making the best decision ... I guess I just have to hope and pray that these student loans don't drown me & negate the entire financial reason I started the project.

And I'm a little jealous that 2 of my friends are going to nursing school ~ their prep classes (until nursing classes start) are only 2 days a week, they are paying less than $2,000 a year & can sign up with hospitals to pay for their education. They will walk out of this guaranteed jobs, with no loans & making $60,000 plus a year.

And I'm going into business administration.

Damn I wish I could handle blood

Congestion and Mucus and Sneezing OH MY

2008-03-04T20:16:00.000-08:00

I had 3 ideas for blogs in my head & I must have misfiled them ... they are lost in the moosh that is my brain on no sleep.

Between storms & sirens keeping me awake, worries about money waking me up, and that stupid alarm for my work day ~ I am just work out. Worn out.

Dang it my brain spazzed on me there for a second.

Things around the house are getting a little easier ... or not. Who knows, I refuse to pay attention anymore. If the house is dirty - it's his job to deal with, not mine. He's home, not me. It's not my responsibility to deal with anymore.

I'm sucking down the cough syrup with codiene right now ~ I keep catching everything lately. I don't know what's wrong with my system - I got 2 (light) doses of the flu this year, a sinus infection that refused to go away until the 3rd round of antibiotics & now bronchitis. My chest feels like it's on fire & every time I try to breathe it makes me cough.

If anyone knows of a way I can just stop breathing for a few days ~ without dying ~ I'd appreciate the assistance.

Things that make me go YUUUUUUM

2008-03-02T22:36:00.001-08:00

And I don't mean the Triple Chocolate Fudge Lava Cupcakes (the rare thing that I am REALLY good at baking!)

It was a great weekend on the movie channels ~ Can I tell you how much I love my Tivo & DishNetwork?!

Tom Cruise in Top Gun

Cary Elwes in The Princess Bride

and a double dose of Patrick Swayze ~ Ghost & Dirty Dancing!

YUMMY yum yum!!

Oh dear heavens the late 80's had some wonderful movies *sigh* I'm sorry, but I have yet to see any movies lately that match their level. The "Pirates of the Caribbean" franchise was great - Don't get me wrong, love love LOVE me sum Johnny Dep (Edward Scissorhands would have topped off my "Movies I Love" weekend!)

But 80's movies had it all ~ and hot guys to boot!!

Guilt Trip & a "Come to Jesus" meeting

2008-02-26T08:16:00.000-08:00

I JUST hit post on my last whiney piece of journalism ~ and Hubs called me saying he was sick. & He really sounded sick. It's his stomach again (Damn that Evil, Evil Monkey!) He has the worst stomache of anyone I've ever met. He has 4 ulcers, irritable bowel disorder (some level worse than "syndrome") & when he had insurance he was being examined for Crone's. Funny thing is that he's a big guy ~ so his doctors have a hard time seeing him as a typical Crone's patient. They did say that he has a malnutrition issue because of all this crap (HA HA! No pun intended) but that leaves him exhausted and worn out for days after a flare up. In his worst episode ever (last August) he lost 40 pounds before the Doctors were able to finagle his medicine to a working level again. He has continued to slowly lose over the last several weeks, but not at the alarming rate that he was before.

The stomach issues were part of the f'ed up reasons behind the loss of his job ~ and Chase Manhattan can kiss the fattest part of my ass - they know they screwed him over.

Ok now I feel guilty. I really do love my husband & he's a great guy ... I think he is trying to get the hang of this ~ and in his own mind he probably does feel jipped & like he needs the help he gets from me. I know being home with her is a full time job & I know that she is a massive handful (this kid does NOT stop moving from the moment she wakes until she goes to sleep & even in her sleep she's wild!) but I see my SAHM friends & they have clean houses, bathed children, and cooked dinners with their spouses come home from an 8 hour day at the office. I know they need a break from the kids & I am happy to do that ~ but I don't want to feel like I'm the only one working anymore ...

When I got home last night we had what's known in our house as a "Come to Jesus" meeting. This is the "get it together or watch me loose my mind" conversation in most houses. I was kind, and calm, and tried to see his point of view as I explained mine. I told him that I am hanging on by a thread lately & I need to feel like we're a team again. When we both worked, we both chipped in with the house & the Princess. As much as he does love to play his games, I understood the time he spent on them more when he had the excuse of forgetting about a hated job.

I came home tonight to a clean child, a completely empty laundry basket and a semi-clean house ~ which is a huge improvement that I happily accept. I know that I create a mess in this home too & I'm not excusing myself from responsibility around here, but I need to know that he can handle this place while I adjust to my new reality too.

But I have a drawer full of clean panties ~ I'm a thrilled woman tonight!

So much to tell, so little blogging space

2008-02-26T07:33:00.001-08:00

I changed my apartment around some. I can't pick a color to save my soul & the painters are going to start hating me soon ... this red is going to be a bitch for them to cover in a few months. So is that mural up there ~ I did think the diary was cute though.

Anywho.

Another week, another set of bills & another dose of zanax & here we are. Officially staring down the barrel of SPRING! While I would love to cheer, my ass is (yet again) woefully on the WRONG side of ready for bathing suit weather. Yeah, that's not changing any time soon!

The Hubs & Princess are on their 3rd week of co-existing as stay-at-home'rs. That's not a word, but it should be! They never leave the house - ever. If he needs something from the outside world he'll call me & ask me to get it on my way home ... and then calls every 10 minutes after 5:00 asking "when will you be home?" ~ I would have been there much sooner if you could have made your own run for wipes - STOP CALLING ME! I'll be there when I get there - give me a minute.

I have no privacy now that they are home 24/7. Last year when I was stressed I had the option of taking Princess to daycare, shoving Hubs out the door for work & then laying in bed all day ~ relaxing. Quiet house, no demands, long naps followed by a hot lunch & another long nap. It was a beautiful set up. Now that I really need that break it will never happen again. When I have a day off Hubs thinks that he should have the day off & hides in his room all day. When I ask for help all I hear is "I did it all week, just do it for a few hours"

I could deal with "I did it all week, just do it for a few hours", except that your "all week" is payback for all the nights you never woke up to help me out those first 8 months, all the days you weren't here in the first 2 months (when I was home full time) and all the weekends that you skipped out on me & played your computer.

I could deal with "I did it all week, just do it for a few hours", if I wasn't dealing with her & THE HOUSE. The house which you conveniently just didn't do anything with all week. I asked you to do the floors 2 weeks ago ... I asked you to clean our bathroom counter last week ... I can't walk 6 steps without stepping on a cheerio & I have no clue where my favorite hairbrush has wandered off to.

I could deal with "I did it all week, just do it for a few hours", if there were any clean clothes when I leave for work in the morning. I'm just saying, I need to smell & look decent to keep the one income this family is currently sporting.

How many SAHM's have hubbies who come home from work & whisk the baby away for the night - simultaneously cleaning up the kitchen from their breakfast & lunch, then cook dinner, and re-clean the kitchen, feed the baby, bathe the baby, play with the baby for 3 minutes, put baby to bed, start laundry, sweep up, clean the toys from the day, fold laundry and play with bills ... while SAHM gets to play online for 6 hours with her gamer friends?

I'm trying not to be bitter ~ but I'm still doing ALL the things I did while we were both working & I feel like I'm getting gipped in the deal. I still have to deal with bosses & traffic while he's at home sleeping until 9, getting her up at 10 & 2 hour nap to boot. Then I'm home at 5:30 ~ he's dealing with 5 hours a day ~ 7 on her worst day & doing nothing else. Is this normal?

Not sure I'm succeeding

2008-02-11T09:05:00.000-08:00

I'm trying my best to be strong for Hubs right now, I'm doing everything I can to dig us out of this financial hole. I'm trying to bring all the money in that I can - including looking into second jobs. I spend every lunch hour looking for a job for him, sending out resumes, looking into every option I can find for him. I've tried to save every dime I can. I'm doing my best to keep us afloat until we figure out a solution .... but damn I'm tired.

I feel like he's looking to me to make this better & make him feel better ~ I don't have the strength to do all of it right now. I can't keep us afloat & keep his spirits up at the same time. If I think about how despressed & broke we really are - I'll never make it through this. I am keeping myself focused on tasks in an effort to not think about how shitty everything has gotten. If I can make a goal & see it through every day then I feel like I'm at least accomplishing something & getting marginally closer to the finish line.

It's not helping that Hubs attitude that he is a SAHD now. He had to drop his work hours for last week & this week (since they were all during the day) & he has started keeping the Princess at the house with him. Financially this is actually helpful ~ we were paying $500/mo in daycare for him to sit at home and make about $400 ... a month. He always said that he would love to be a SAHD ~ but I think he severely underestimated the amount of work that this would entail.

I'm trying my hardest NOT to ask him what he did all day ... especially when there have been 4 loads of laundry needing folding & 3 loads needing laundering since last Wednesday. Especially when the floors have not been touched, the bed not made, the bathrooms not tended to and the child is still in her pajamas at 6pm. Every day. I know that keeping her safe/entertained/fed is a full time job. But I also know that if the positions were reversed I would never hear the end of his whining if he was to come home to those conditions. I should be happy he has dinner cooked ... he would be pissed off that his boxers weren't in his drawer. She wakes up at 10am & naps for 2 hours a day. You can't tell me that he can't get SOME kind of housework done during the day .... but I don't ask him that because part of me knows that he's trying to adjust to no longer being the bread winner and not feeling like a Manly Man while he plays with dollies and makes horsey sounds and changes diapers all day. Why make him feel worse ... even though it's making my "maid job" harder.

Hubs can pick up new hours next week & work evenings & weekends - his money will actually benefit the house until he can either find a new job or make this one worth the effort. It's just going to take time ... and maybe focusing on work will improve his attitude soon.

I'm done whining. I'm the Mom & the Mom does what has to be done & keeps it all together.

Mom makes everything work & takes care of everyone's heart.

Mom falls apart in the shower while everyone else is still asleep in the mornings.

TGIO ~ Thank God It's OVER

2008-02-08T07:33:00.000-08:00

Whew ... this week has just sucked the life out of me.

I've been (quietly) dieting - didn't really tell anyone because I didn't want the added pressure of the "So how's the diet going?" questions. Those never fail to work just like the "So how are you doing with the whole quitting smoking?" - all it does is make you want a cigarette so badly that you could knock over your 80 year old grandfather in a mad dash for the door & then stab your granny with a fork to steal her smokes. Have I mentioned that I quit smoking 30months ago & I STILL crave those beautiful sticks of relaxation?

Shut up - I know they stink & will kill you ~ but my. god. The peaceful 5 minutes of no one bugging you, walking away from the world (to hide) and just quietly killing yourself .... ooh I miss that some days.

Yes I've been known to sneak one every few months, yes if my husband finds out he bugs me to no end about it ... and yet he still smokes & refuses to quit. Lovely. I get lectures & "Shame on you!" from a man with a lit cigarette in his hand.

How the hell did I get on this topic? Oh yeah. Diets.

Diets suck the life out of you & steal the joy of fat, carbs, sugar and all things gooey from the world.

But I'm down 5 pounds this week so I guess I'll stick to it.

Damn I want a smoke now ..... trading one vice for another probably wouldn't be a good idea, right?

Bring on the migraine

2008-02-04T07:04:00.000-08:00

I hate Mondays. I reeeeeeeally hate Mondays.

I dropped the Princess off at the sitters this morning & was greeted by "Do you have a second, we need to talk."

Turns out that our discussions about "are you sure you can handle my one year old plus your 3 kids?" were just all for naught.

She's been watching the kiddo for one month - I've asked her 3 or 4 times in the last month if everything is alright, if she's sure this is working for her, if she's ok with the fact that I can't pick Princess up until 6pm ... Nope, everything's been fine, she loves having her, it's all great. Her husband even thanked Hubs for letting them keep her because they've been in such a tight financial spot & the income was great for them. They asked US to start keeping her - I NEVER asked her to do this for me, I never imposed, I never asked her to keep her one minute longer than she had to - I've picked her up early several times & Hubs has taken her late several times ~ just to help her out ... all while paying her MORE than we would pay a daycare.

Well they sold their first house 2 weeks ago & now they are down to one mortgage ... and that freed up $$$ in their budget. So guess who no longer needs to work. And now all the little things that I was scared of ~ now they are all just too much for her.

Well yummy.

I'm sorry - but the fact is that I asked her REPEATEDLY BEFORE this started to really think about what she was getting into, if she was sure, if she could handle it ... and now she's dropping my kid.

I know that she & her hubs had a fight last week - in front of my daughter - which was almost enough to make me pull her out, but I didn't want to screw her over based on one bad day & it's damn near impossible to find a daycare in my area that's not filled to capacity with a 6 month waiting list. I have bent over backward to accomodate everything I can to make this as easy as possible on the sitter ~ I don't care if she runs errands with my kiddo in tow, I don't care if she takes her out 3 times a day to drop her boys off at their schools & then to pick them up at two different times. I adjusted to the fact that the Princess watched more tv there than she does at home ~ you have to do what you can to entertain her while you deal with the other kids - I get that. I liked that we got in return - a mommy environment, healthy lunches & snacks, constant feedback on her progress, fewer kids to get her sick, actual one-on-one time with an adult, and that she was with someone that I trust completely ....

Just excuse me for a sec while I throw up.

Moving her again will make the 4th daycare setting the Princess has had in 13 months of daycare time. I never wanted to put her in this position ~ it feels like every time she gets comfortable & happy SOMETHING goes wrong & I have to pull her out.

The first time her daycare closed down with NO notice
The second time the only daycare with spots available on 2 days notice .... well there was a reason they had so many spaces available. They were shitty.
This third time ~ she's being kicked out.

I hate hate hate hate hate this. I feel guilty enough that I have to even have my child in daycare. I feel shitty enough that my husband doesn't make enough money for me to stay home with my child like EVERY SINGLE OTHER FRIEND I HAVE DOES. All I want is for my child to have a happy, safe, comfortable place to go every day while I come to work. All I want is to find a daycare setting where she is loved & cared for - and where I feel comfortable leaving her.

Can I just scream curse words at the top of my voice for a few minutes? I hate this for my baby, I hate this for the extra bonus stress it's putting on my life ~ and I hate this because I know that Hubs will never forgive the sitter for putting us in this position & it will screw up my friendship with her.

Damn it I hate Mondays.

I miss music

2008-02-01T10:18:00.000-08:00

I've always been a music oriented person ~ I put the Periodic Table into a song so that I could pass my high school chemistry class. It was the only way I could remember the stupid thing!

I was raised Assembly of God (a sect of Christianity which embraces music in a way I have never seen since). I was encouraged to sing EVERYWHERE & my parents spent $$$$ to ensure that I was well trained & given every opportunity to excel. I was accepted to NC School of the Arts (and my mother pulled that moment to refuse to let me leave home - we'll talk about that more later). I was offered an audition to Juliard - I used to be good good. That one came after I was in a national competition within the church & placed 13th in the nation. AoG has 10 colleges (if I remember correctly) & they all had "scouts" at the competition. Turns out those scouts (for lack of a better word) shared information with other colleges in an effort to further the kids chances for good scholarships & educations. One of the scouts contacted my mom later & asked for a tape of me, sent it to his friend & I got a letter from Juliard. My mother has it framed somewhere in the house.

There are days I still wonder how my life would have turned out if my mother hadn't pulled her stunts & let me go to School of the Arts, and go on the Juliard audition.

I wonder how my life would have turned out if I hadn't burned out on what used to be my refuge.

I did go to college on a music scholarship and was a "music major with an emphasis in Opera". That's what's on my transcripts. Freaky right? I can sing in German, Italian, French, Spanish and English; I can sit through an Opera and never blink. I can't understand a damn word of German, Italian, French or Spanish outside of music. No one looks at me & thinks "Wow she must be a wonderful soprano." But I was ~ and I miss it so much some days.

I used to spend 3 hours a day practicing, one hour of that was just warming up & breathing exercises. I had tight little abs from all those breathing exercises (that stuff was strenuous believe it or not!) If I was stressed I sang longer, if I was practicing for a competition I would loose track of time altogether. My dad bought soundproofing egg crates & installed them in one room of the basement for me, just to save the sanity of the rest of the family.

Somewhere during my first attempt at college I burned out musically. What had been my refuge, my identity, my one calm spot in the insanity that was my life suddenly became a choking leash on me. I hated to think about it, I was stressed and floundering and my best safety net was gone. I walked away and never looked back ... for 10 years. I knew that I would miss it someday, but I never knew how much.

Since I had the Princess I've felt its absence so much more. I go to sing lullabies and find myself missing my voice. The voice I've abused and ignored for so long that I'm not sure how to find it again. I hear myself now and know that the voice I once was would laugh at the voice I am now.

But the voice I am now has so much more heart and experience behind it. Where before I was manufacturing the emotion, trying to produce it from a teenager's eyes - now I have the life to back up the words. If I can just find the notes again.

I watched my daughter dance for the first time the other night (well, booty wiggle, but still!). I watched her pure joy in hearing music & being able to move to it. Her face as she tries to "sing" along to her songs ~ I see in her what I used to see in myself and it thrills me and kills me all in the same moment. As much as I miss that for myself, I can't wait to introduce all those beautiful songs, notes, trills, runs, jumps, and words to my child.

Watch. She'll want to play clarinet instead.

I needed a drink before this one

2008-01-25T11:07:00.001-08:00

Have you ever run into one of those "know it all big mouthed TypeA has to be right all the time about everything and God forbid you cross her" kinda bitches?

I can't stand the one that I know.

This heifer has found my last nerve & stomped all. over. it. I would SOOO love to tell her off ~ but she's disappeared.

Lovely.

1. she's not IRL, she's a "mommy board" girl
2. she lodged IM's to me yelling at me about calling her out on her bitchy actions (which I did in private) ... and then she deleted her account so that I can't respond. I know that she was hoping I would come out on the open boards & scream (and start crap & make her look like a martyr & me a raving loon) but I didn't so personally, I win. HA!!
3. she's been seen around the boards ranting under assumed identities & then deleting them so that (again) no rebuttal is available

I'm sorry but if you are going to bitch about someone then do it under your own name & quit trying to hide your identity just because you don't want anyone to know just how bitchy and evil you really are. Who the fuck are you, Clark Kent? Ok so that entire line is completely negated by the fact that not only did I not say this on the mommy board, or on my known blog ~ but I waited to come to my secret apartment to rave like a lunatic .. where no one would know just how bitchy & evil I really am. I'm no better than the uber bitch at this point.

Crap.

How exactly is winning by being the bigger person supposed to make me feel better? I took the high road & feel no satisfaction ... screw adulthood. This crap is for the birds!

It's Friday girls ~ let the drinking games begin! Vodka & Tequila shooters at my place!!